My Hana

15😷

I live in a world filled with germs. Everybody is a germ, and it disgusts me. Well, at least, until I met you. You were different, I didn't know why. I wasn't repulsed, disgusted, I was intrigued. Why didn't I feel as if you were a nuisance? Why were you different? Why didn't I feel as if you were just another germ? 

And then it happened. He turned around and smiled, shining brighter than the sun. And at that moment, I knew, that Hinata Shoyo was different. In a world where I feel suffocated, he brought sanctuary. Like an oasis in the middle of the Sahara desert, he was paradise. 

He is paradise. My paradise. He should have been my paradise, but all good things come to an end, right? Nothing lasts forever...

He took off his mask, somberly, as he looked at the note that laid in front of him. The last remains of his paradise, his sunshine, is light. He picked up the note, opening it gently. His hands caressing the parchment, not feeling disgusted, as it was from his sunshine. 

He smiled softly, as he unfolded the paper, holding it between his fingers gently. He began to read it, the words from the person who lit his curiosity. 

Gwaaaah! Hi Hi Omi-San! It's Hinata Shoyo! How are you? How's your germaphobia? How are you feeling? Well, that's kind of pointless to ask, because I know I won't get an answer, after all, I'm dead. So, to Omi-san who's reading this letter right now, I am dead. I Hinata Shoyo am dead. 

The reason why I'm writing letters is that there's one thing I regret not saying before I passed. I promised to live my life to the fullest, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed. I just want to get this off of my chest before I pass. 

But, sometimes I feel terrified to tell people this, because what if they don't feel the same. Sometimes, I wonder what if I told you guys earlier, but that's not the point. It's time for me to swallow my pride and speak the truth. I love you, Omi-San. I know, you probably feel disgusted, or feel as if I'm another germ in your life. 

I just wanted to tell you these words before I pass. I don't know how you'll feel towards me, but please don't hate me. I just wanted to let you know, to not have remorse. I don't want to regret anything, so no, I don't regret telling you. It doesn't matter if you don't want me back, or like me even, I just wanted to let you know. 

Honestly, some things I wish I could have done for you was to help you overcome your germaphobia. I'd be with you every step of the way, little by little until you no longer felt disgusted about the beautiful world surrounding us. I believe that the world is beautiful and that you shine brightly as a star in our galaxy. 

So, to Omi-San. I love you. 

Hinata Shoyo. 

His heart pattered, as he read those words. 

"I know you probably feel disgusted, or feel as if I'm another germ in your life." 

"N-no, you're not. You're the best thing that has happened in my life. I-, Shoyo...Why did you let go?" 

He had a pained look on his face, he grimaced at the words that stabbed through his heart, shattering his bones. He never knew that words could have been tainted with poison. 

His hands were shaky, as his heartbeat fastened. His breath was staggard, as his shaky fingers gently took out the picture. 

"This thing called love is so cold, it can be miserable, or it can be beautiful. Sometimes it's amazing...sometimes it's crazy..." 

He remembered this memory that seemed to stop time. He held the sunshine in his arms, confused as if how he was not disgusted. Instead, he felt as if he was holding the sun. He felt as if the other glowed softly, warming his whole world. 

Sakusa clenched his fist, feeling the cold air surrounding him. He could no longer feel the warmth of Hinata in his hands, he could no longer feel the warmth in his fingertips. His heartfelt heavy as if it was sinking to the depths of the cold sea. He was drowning in the cold air that no longer had his sunshine. He no longer was in a paradise, an oasis. He was frozen in the deep Atlantic. 

His breath sharpened, as he was gasping for air. It felt as if the air surrounding him had become fire. He felt as if his lungs were on fire, burning just to feel the warmth of his sunshine again. But he knew that he couldn't. There was no sunshine anymore. He had lost his sunshine, his only sunshine. 

Why didn't he stay? Why didn't he just tell us? Why couldn't he just....

With so much regret, Sakusa sulked in the darkness of his empty house. His sharp intake of air, his cries for help in the distance, his salty teardrops, was all for him. It was all for him; Hinata Shoyo. 

If only he could hold him in his arms once more if he could feel the warmth of him in his fingertips. If only he could see him again. But now, he's left in this sickly world. Disgusted with everything surrounding him. He wanted to drown inside of alcohol, feeling disgusted with himself. He was disgusted that he didn't tell him, how he lost his sunshine. How he caused his death. 

"I thought the world was disgusting until you opened my eyes, but now the only thing that's disgusting is me."