My Hana

7☘

Day 19 

Happiness. Something that can be so heartwarming, secure, loveable....but it can be the pit of your downfall. Sometimes I dream too much just to get my hopes crushed. Is it really my fault that I wear my heart on my sleeve? Or how I live just to breathe in life's existence? Is it really my fault that I use my heart to love others rather than being selfish for myself? Is it? 

Is it so bad that I just want you to love me, even just a little bit? Show me the affection you've given me the first time we met. Is it such a tragedy to yearn for what I cannot obtain? I spend my days wondering what would it be like if you could just love me...why can't they love me? 

It's just that when I look into their eyes, it's as if they're dancing with the stars, but your view is always somewhere other than me. It's as if I'm trapped in limbo in an abyss where I'm always yearning for you. But it's never the other way around. I'm always chasing after them. I'm chasing after the love I know I won't be able to get. 

Sometimes I wish the days would pass by faster so I don't have to think anymore. So I don't have to see them anymore to the point where my heart feels like it's crumbling. I wish that maybe I could sleep forever and never wake. I wish that maybe in your heart you could love me back...even if it's just a slight affliction of infatuation. 

Day 17

I wish I just knew what I could do. I promised my mom that I would live my life to the fullest, but how can I do that when I'm living life without you. It's as if the air surrounding me has become dense and suffocating to the point where I can't breathe. It's where the sounds of taunts haunt the back of my mind telling me that you'll never feel the same. It's where I am exhausted to the point where I lay on my bed, sobbing, coughing petals. 

It's where I'm scared. Scared of leaving. I'm too afraid to get up anymore. To look you in the eyes and tell you I'm dying. I'm too afraid to tell you the three words that I dread the most. "I love you." I'm afraid of what the world has become. I'm afraid of what it will be like when I'm gone. I'm afraid that everything will change if I tell them. I'm just afraid. 

Day 15 

I wish I could hold your hand. Caress it gently with the back of my thumb. I wish I could smile at you with joy, love and affection. I wish I could hold you tightly in my arms, caress your face, play with your soft locks. I wish...I wish I could be with you. I wish I could take your hand and run off into a flower field. I wish I could smile ever so happily, making a flower crown for you. To show you how life isn't just a mere fantasy. I wish I could. I wish. I just wish.

Day 13 

It's funny how people tell you to live life to the fullest. How we have so much time. But what they don't know is that time is slowly slipping away. How it's leaving my grasp. How it's running far far away because I'm just so pitiful. I don't have time. There is no time. I can't. I just....can't. I would rather die than feel this way. Now all I can do is wait. Wait for the time to slip away again. Wait for it to leave, wait for it to go flourish with someone else. 

Day 11 

Nobody understands my pain. I wish I could just seek some advice. I wish that maybe I could get some guidance on how to stop feeling this way. On how it feels to not feel. I want to stop feeling. I hate this. 

Day 9 

It's kind of funny how I thought and dreamed of being the greatest volleyball player of all time. How I had admired the little giant for so long. It's hilarious that now I know that I'll never be able to achieve these things. It's sad, isn't it?

Day 7 

One week left. Pfft, how funny. 

Day 5 

I saw you both again. It's funny how I dare not to tell you both, how I wish that I could just let go. It's...tragic? I'm pitiful. 

Day 3 

The graduation for the third years had come. I went there plastering a smile across my face. I congratulated them smiling ever so joyful. 

Day 1 

We wave goodbye and say our woes. I smile as if I can't smile anymore. I am the sunshine I wish to be. I am the person who is always happy...right? Ironic, isn't it? It's just funny how I'm happy. It's funny. 

The last day of school has come. The last day to live has come. After saying our goodbyes, I rush towards the shrine upon the mountain. I gently sit down by the steps, staring up at the sky. I let the breeze flow through my hair, wondering what life would have been if I told them I loved them. 

It's my destiny. Crazy, right. I'm destined to die from unrequited love because I'm too afraid to confess. I'm afraid. I'm a coward. I wish I could be selfish enough to want to hold you close and have you whisper sweet nothings. I wish that maybe if I was selfish, you could love me. 

Soft tears stream. "I love you...all of you."