Who We Once Were - A Jolivia Story

Chapter 18

"I don't hate you Olivia! Fuck!" He said throwing his head into his hands. "I don't think I could ever hate you, for god sakes I'm pretty sure I'm in lov-" he quickly cut himself off. Olivia froze. 

The tension in the room was indescribable. It was dead silent, save for the sound of both their anxious breaths. It was as if the whole world had frozen around them and all that existed was this moment, Josh and Olivia. 

"What?" She whispered softly and uncertainly after what could've been ten seconds or ten hours. 

"I- I um" Josh stuttered, not being able to form a sentence.   

"This was a mistake, I should go. We can forget anything ever happened." She declared suddenly turning around to leave.

"What if I don't wanna forget?" He said before she could open the door. She turned back around to face him. "Olivia I can't do this anymore." He said furrowing his brow while he looked at her.

"Do what?" She breathed. 

"You're gonna hate me Liv, but you need to know the truth." He spoke sounding defeated and sad. She was nervous now, very nervous, probably more nervous than she'd ever been before. She didn't say anything but she didn't leave and he took that as all the confirmation he needed to keep talking. "Back in 2019, we were close, very close. Ever since that stupid audition, something had always drawn me to you. Then we started hanging out a lot and we wrote our song and I realized just how much I'd screwed up. I cared about you Olivia, a lot, like more than a friend should. Everyday I came to work and I saw your face and saw your smile, I just felt myself falling deeper. It was stupid, it was so profoundly stupid and I was so mad at myself. I was going to ruin our friendship and even if by some miracle that didn't happen, we were coworkers, you were younger than me, nothing about any of it made any sense." He finished letting out a shaky breath and Olivia couldn't bring herself to move, in fear of ruining the moment and having this all ripped away from her. 

"So when quarantine hit and we all had to stay home, it was kind of the perfect storm. I got some time and space to clear my head and I realized just how stupid that whole thing was. I shouldn't have fallen for you, it was probably about the worst thing I could've done in that situation. We had some time apart and I figured maybe it would be best if we didn't talk as much anymore, let our relationship fizzle out a bit. I knew it was stupid to fall for you Liv, but I also knew if given the opportunity I'd do it all over again. I wanted to make sure our relationship wasn't in the same place we left it because come time to film season 2, I couldn't let it happen all over again. So I pushed you away during quarantine, I tried at least. Every time something good happened, every song lyric I thought of, every time I was upset, all I could think was I should call Liv and tell her. I stayed away from you because I thought it would help me, I know it was selfish okay? It was so selfish but I just didn't see another way. I convinced myself that if we were just coworkers who were friendly sometimes, it would be a lot easier to keep my feelings in check." He sighed.

"Then that first day back to work, I realized just how badly I'd screwed things up between us. We weren't friends anymore, you hated me. It hurt at first, a lot. I was so mad, mostly at myself. I thought I could just put some distance between us and fix all my issues but the second I saw you again I knew I was so wrong but you hated me then and it was too late. I decided maybe it would be better that way though, if you hated me you would stay away from me. You would be safe from me and my mess as long as I kept up the act and so I told you I wanted to be professional with you, nothing more." His eyes were red and full of tears and her cheeks were wet from tears that had long fallen. 

"Nothing ever changed for me, not the way I felt about you and not how much it was killing me to have you hate me. It was okay though, I thought it was all worth it because it worked, you avoided me. I was okay keeping up the act to keep you away from me if it meant you were okay but then Ethan showed up. I didn't want to get involved Liv, I promise I didn't but then I saw the way he was treating you and I couldn't just stand there and do nothing. So I drove you home last night and when we went back to my place and you told me what you did... You thought I hated you Olivia, I could never hate you and it was killing me that you thought that. You were never the problem, you did nothing wrong it was me, all of it was me. I wanted to tell you that, I wanted to tell you all of this last night but then you ran off." He said running a hand through his hair.

"I get it if you hate me Liv, I don't blame you but I just couldn't live with myself another day if I didn't tell you everything. You deserve the truth and nothing less, it's the very least of what I owe you. I'm so sorry though, I never meant for you to get hurt so badly. I was trying to avoid that and in doing so, I managed to hurt you anyways. I will never forgive myself Liv, but I still care about you, so much." He finally finished, emphasizing the last two words. Olivia stood still as a statue, breathing laboured and tears flowing freely. It was silent for a little while before Josh spoke again.

"Olivia?" He questioned as he took a small step towards her.

"No." She said immediately pulling back. "No, no you're lying." She said shaking her head slightly hysterically. 

"I promise, this is nothing but the truth Liv." He whispered softly. "I won't lie to you again, I care about you too much." He said taking a deep breath.

"No you're lying." She said again. 

"Liv -" 

"What about Sabrina?" She asked quietly. She didn't believe him, she couldn't. None of this made any sense. He cared about Sabrina not her, he hated her. 

A/N - So there we go. That was quite something. Anyways this convo will be continued in chapter 19 so get ready for all your questions to finally be answered (I hope). Also, two chapters in one day, crazy right? Haha I was just really excited about these last couple chapters and couldn't wait  to release them! As always I love hearing your thoughts and comments and votes are always appreciated!!! ILY ALL :)