Soulless eyes.

Chapter 14

When everything's meant to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

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3 years ago...

I never really realized how fast time passed. 4 years ago I was the little 10 year innocent girl whose mom committed suicide and now I'm the suicidal 14 year girl that hides behind her fake self. But, I realized she was aging with me. When she first started haunting me she looked the same age as me, 10 years old, but then she slowly started getting older and older as years passed, now being 14 years old as me. Yes, maybe her soul was older than me, than my soul, than my mind, but she looked as old as me, always at the same level.

It's strange how some feelings make you realize so much about a person and make you want to know so much more about them. How it makes you care about someone and makes you want to have them around all the time. It is strange, it is a new feeling for me, one that I don't know if I should embrace or not...

Devily had moments when she'd act very caring, making me feel better for the first time in a another way than causing pain. It was all new, it was something I'd have never thought would work for me. Maybe the fact that there were new things, not the usual known ones, made me feel so. I didn't know, I was lost in the moment every time and couldn't think about it. Maybe I didn't want to.

My mother didn't move on after Michael's death, she continued getting drunk every night to forget all about it in those one night lasting moments. She'd come home wasted and yell at her children about how they can't do anything right while I hid in my room, playing music to distract myself, Devily behind me holding my stomach and making me feel sick. Jenna and Alex couldn't bear it anymore so when they both turned 18 they moved in an apartment together. I was then alone with Alicia, living with her problems and her being one of mines...

Scott has been ignoring me for some time now, he'd stay silent on the way to school and back and would just say he has other things to do when I asked him what was wrong. I wasn't that stupid, I knew he had a reason for avoiding me, but I didn't know what the reason was so, when I hopped on the bus and sat next to him, I moved directly to the subject.

"What have I done that made you start ignoring me?" I ask, trying not to sound scared of the answer, which, trust me, I was, and looked in his shiny eyes.

"N-nothing, just I haven't been... feeling good lately, that's it" he lied but I just gave him a look that told him I knew that wasn't the reason so, after letting out a big sigh, he told me the truth "Remember when I wasn't at school a day some months ago?" he asked and I just nodded, waiting for him to continue "Well, I was sick so I stayed at home. After I thought school was over I wanted to go outside and take a breath of fresh air but when I opened the front door I ju-" he stopped for a second, his eyes fixating on his lap "I saw you and a girl that I don't think goes to our school k-kissing and it was all just overwhelming, seeing your friend with a person you didn't even know existed kissing on your street... And all the situation made me uncomfortable. I didn't know you were into girls and all those things, not that liking someone of the same gender is bad but you never mentioned it and I didn't know what to say so I just avoided you, keeping that for myself and not letting you know for whatever reason. I didn't want to start a conversation about that subject really so I don't know..." he finished and looked up at me, his eyes holding confusion.

Firstly, was I into girls? I didn't know, maybe I wasn't, maybe Devily was the only girl I could ever like. I never really thought about my sexuality and don't want to, I see no sense in that because nobody will probably ask me about it anyway and I didn't need to know, I'd feel. And secondly... did Scott really see Devily?

"Uh, yeah well I didn't know I was into girls or whatever either so I couldn't tell, but she was a friend of mine, we've grown close to each other and that kiss just happened... I don't really know what to say about it, or this, so I think I know why you didn't want to open the subject, it's kind of awkward" I laughed slowly, masking my fear of him finding out about me and Devily.