Soulless eyes.

Chapter 10

It's hard to just be strong,
Not knowing if I've done you proud.

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4 years ago...

Things have gotten worse. The doctors wanted to put me in a mental hospital for my suicide attempt, my scars and my horrible eating habits but after I lied to them and told them I will get better because all these thing's I've done made me feel terrible, they said they're gonna check after one week and let me go 'home'. My parents yelled at me every time I breathed, blinked, moved, thought. Every time I fucked up. They didn't care, but they just wanted to make my life more miserable. They'd kick me every time they got the chance and I always did my best to ignore them and go past them so I didn't have to deal with their yelling and kicking but I didn't have that luck anymore, they'd always wait for me.

At school Scott always wanted to take care of me and talk to me, making sure I was okay but I always told him a nice lie and got away from him before he started wanting to make me talk to him about these things. Yes, maybe he already knew I was never okay, but I still didn't want to let anyone really see the true me, my worst moments, the worst part of me, that was a sight only Devily would see daily.

She has been very... thoughtful. Most of the times after my attempt she'd have a thoughtful expression that got me curious. What could she possibly think about so much? That was the question that ate me up inside. I think sometimes she read my mind and stopped thinking, turning back to her diabolic job.

I was ashamed of myself for not succeeding. Maybe that's what she'd always think about, my attempt? Or maybe not succeeding? My pathetic way? No, she taught me all those self destruction ways, she wouldn't critic her own ways. Anyways, I should have been dead now. I should have been 6 feet under the ground or at least ashes in pure air, polluting the wind but at least not using it anymore and not wasting a place on earth, just filling up the empty space.

I pulled up my hoodie and got on the bus. My body was shaking and my face was covered in my messy hair, hiding from all the kids. The bullies have got a new reason to make fun of me and bully me. Another reason it would have been better if I didn't make it out alive. 

I walked to the back of the bus, in my usual spot, and set down. I saw a few people looking weird at me but I just gave them a small smile and focused my eyes on something outside the window, starting to slip away in my thoughts.

I came back to reality when I felt someone sit next to me. I looked over to Scott near me who was smiling my way and I just smiled back politely then fixated my eyes on anything else than him.

"Are you going to ignore me for the rest of your life?" he asked, breaking the silence between the two of us. Well, I didn't plan on being alive for long anymore so why not... I thought but I couldn't tell him that, I wouldn't.

"No, we just have nothing to talk about" I mumbled, still looking outside the window, watching every house we passed.

"What about what is always on your little mind, the things you keep secret from everybody, including me" I didn't understand how he could still ask that and think I'd talk to him after I ignored him for so long.

I moved my eyes away from the window and looked him in the eyes "There's nothing special going on in my mind, but thanks for caring" I smiled.

"Look Angel, I know there's something going on in your head, I know you aren't fine and I know you know I know but why won't you stop lying to me if I know the truth? Why won't you just open up to me? I'm really trying to help, I have been trying to for as long as I've first noticed you are not doing good and that was the time I found you in the alley. Just let me in, just accept me as a friend. You need one, or at least I'd want you to have one, please let me be that friend" he said, desperation in his eyes while he talked. I could see he was genuine about all of this but I still didn't know.