Soulless eyes.

Chapter 17

What do you see when you close your eyes
Do you sleep
I know you do and I'm not surprised
While your ego keeps you warm
It's burning
All the bridges that you start
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2 years ago...

Alicia started to ignore me after some time. I think she got bored of me, her only toy to get her anger off on, the one that never responded to her hits. Maybe she wanted me to so she would have more reasons to be angry at me but I didn't do that, I wouldn't intentionally make this ten times worse by becoming mean towards her, it didn't feel right even after all she did. I tried putting myself in her shoes, her children left and her husband died, her parents didn't want anything to do with her and the only other person in her house wouldn't react to her hits and wouldn't make everything the way she wanted it to be. I would be a mess as well...

I was 15 now. A small teenage girl at the age of 15. Only not any teenage girl at the age of 15, but a suicidal one. On my 15th birthday I tried to kill myself again. Of course, as you could tell, I failed miserably. I took a cake knife in the morning and went to my room, not bothering to lock it because my mom wouldn't care and no one else was in the house, then slowly cut my my wrist as if it was my birthday cake, slowly but deep, making sure to at least get near a vein, and I did. The knife cut the thin blueish vein in my wrist and I just smiled, proud of my accomplishment. I got back in the bed and covered my body and hand with the blanket, getting back to sleep, only this time not planning on ever waking up again like I did the first time. My plans were ruined by Scott coming in my room, and my house because he had the keys, to make me a birthday surprise. I was half aware of what was happening when Scott sat on the bed and tried waking my still awake but soon-to-be dead self.

What made him find out? My stupidity, I didn't pull my sleeves back so my hand was in full view. Of course, like he did the first time, he got scared and immediately called 911, saving me, but I didn't want to be saved.

Devily was by my side almost all the time after my attempt. She was, in a way, taking care of me. We've grown closer to each other, our love growing bigger and the pain growing along with it. As we got more and more affectionate towards each other the poison in her hands became worse and worse, causing an indescribable pain go through me at her simplest touch. I didn't know how this worked but I wasn't against it. It all felt like an explosion of every emotion in me. She knew that, she could feel that, just like the way I could feel her pain, the pain she was causing me which was more the pain she was once in, she could feel my mix of emotions every time. We had an empathy going through us, creating a bound between our damaged souls. We became more relaxed with each other, we acted like a couple, which we weren't. I don't think we could ever be. A demon and her little toy, together, as a couple living in the real world, being each other's only source of smiles. No, that only happened in books. In romance fantasy books, most with happy endings and plot twists. But this? This was reality. This wasn't any story about love, this was the reality about life and suffering, about what life could do to you, how life could destroy you, how it could change your thoughts about everything and knock you down. We were going through that together, we weren't fooling around like lovesick people, doing nothing but laying in each others arms and holding on to them like it was their life time.

Ok, maybe I lied a bit, we were sometimes fooling around. We couldn't help it, it was our way of escaping, it was our way of forgetting, our own personal gate out of our thoughts. She got more playful with me, tying to tease me in every possible way she could. She liked doing that, a lot, and I liked the teasing smile on her face when she did that so I let her.

We were free when we were together but when we were apart my mind would always drift to the thought of death. I didn't know why, I just didn't want to be alive anymore, to get through all of that. Maybe I was selfish, but seriously, who else cared except for Scott? If I'd die I'd still be with Devily, only she wouldn't be my demon no more, just the one that has captured my bruised, beaten, raped, stabbed, abused soul and that was taking care of it in one way or another.

Matt got expelled for sexually abusing a poor younger girl from our high school, the principal found out when he practically admitted it to the whole school around him and the girl he was beating, the one that has got abused by him. The principal got them both in his office and after a few minutes police cars pulled up in front of the school and Matt was seen leaving, hopping in one of the cars and driving off with the police officers. I didn't know why he'd do it. Not the sexual abuse part, but when he admitted it. He knew the all the students were there but still he was stupid enough to make a 'joke' about it and give himself away. I couldn't say I was going to miss him, I was just going to say the bullying won't be the same without him, and that was good for me.

I was thinking about Matt and the fact that he wasn't there anymore, seeing a huge difference between when he was and now. I wish it was like this from the start, that he wasn't there too uselessly amplify my pain and just bruise my fragile skin daily more than my mom would bother to. I wanted to understand his reasons, to try finding out what fucked up in his life that he got this way, but I never had the chance because he wouldn't talk about this or listen, he'd just act.

The ring of the bell signalizing that the last class was over, meaning school was over, brought me back reality as Scott looked at me for a second thoughtfully before getting his things but not leaving yet, waiting for me.

After all the other students left we headed outside but when we got to the door Scott just closed it and turned to me with a worried expression.

"What were you thinking about so much?" he asked me, the worried look in his eyes never leaving.

"Just about Matt and the differences around this place without him here." I said, half true, like it was nothing, because it was. Matt didn't matter to me but I was a bit worried that he might still somehow come after me or something, I was unnecessarily paranoid but I couldn't help it.

Scott's face relaxed a bit, but the worry still there, as he pulled me in a hug and held me tight while I hugged him back, trying to relax "Don't worry Angel, I know that you're worried, but he can't hurt you. You're safe now and he won't annoy you anymore or do anything to you, ok?" he said, his nose in my ear and my head on his shoulder.

I just nodded. Inside I knew that but I couldn't stop it. We hugged for a while before he slightly pulled away and when we were face to face he kissed me and took me by surprise. I froze in place, I couldn't move and when I finally did I pushed Scott away and awkwardly took my bag before running out the door and saying bye to him, going nowhere in particular, just wishing I could lose him on the way...