UNCONDITIONALLY YOURS

Return to hell // 9

The car journey was quieter. It was not awkward, however. I had plenty to say had I wanted to, but I was lost in thought. Parker noticed that, he let me think. I wondered how I let the entire day slip through my fingers so fast. My days tended to drag on, this one was different, and I wanted to know why. I could not fall into this trap, I simply couldn't. No, I had gone through way too much, worked way too hard for thick skin. No one would take that away; I would never give anyone the chance to hurt me again. He wasn't that special anyway, right? That's what I told myself, repetitively ramming the words through my mind though my attempts were in vain. It seemed to have no effect. Surely I was simply surprised by how different he was to how I expected him to be. Or the smile, the laugh, the caring, the making me smile, the chatting for hours, the generosity. I scrunched my eyes closed and shook my head as he pulled up outside the gate of my house.

"Thank you for taking me home." I said, quickly gathering my jumper and undoing my seatbelt.

"I had a really great time." He replied and he waited for my answer. I could have lied, but there was truly no point. He could see through me and he knew I also had a good time. Besides, maybe I needed to get it out of my system. I sighed.

"Surprisingly, me too. Thank you." I opened the door and hopped out. He quickly grabbed my wrist.

"Wait." He frantically spurted the words out. "When am I going to see you again?" He said more calmly.

"Like I said, it was just lunch for today. I wish the best, I truly do, but it's goodbye." I tried not to think about my words too much, the less I considered it the easier it would be.

"You're kidding? You literally just admitted you had a good time, I thought that was progress or what?" He was confused. I was confused as well. I just needed to get out of the situation, the sooner the better.

"Goodbye Parker." Rather aggressively, I yanked my arm away from him, turning my head and walking through the gate back home. I did not look back. I felt a sickening urge to, but I knew it was an urge better ignored. I strode on, facing the dreadful hours that proceeded me head on.

"Let's get this over with." I thought to myself.

I quickly changed into something nice, something my father would like to be more specific. I was going to be a bit late, there was no need to add the list of reasons he was angry with me. I even put on lipstick and eyeliner, that way he would have no reason to complain on terms of my presentation. It wasn't because I cared what my father, or the Eriksons thought. I honestly could not imagine it possible to care less. I did not see it as worthwhile not to listen to my father at times. Sometimes I didn't listen, of course, but it tended to be for a good reason. It was only a couple of pretty torturous hours, I had had worse.

I ignored everyone whilst I sat down at the table, making extra effort not to greet anyone or make eye contact. I sat next to my step mother and father.

"Nice of you to finally join us." My step mother scowled.

She had always been a witchy sort of woman the way that I thought it. Only a few years younger than my dad, but with the amount of botox and lip filler on the face it made her look a fair bit younger. She had been pretty in her younger years, but now when I looked at her face all I could see was plastic. She obviously married my father for his money, any idiot could see that. My father must have known, but he had plenty of money to spare and he wanted a pretty wife to look good to the public. And as for her opinions on me, there were no good ones. She would probably give anything to have me out of the picture. I am not quite sure why, maybe she wanted to be the sole recipient of my father's money, however, she knew I wouldn't want it anyway. I guess you could say at the few events my father manages to force me to I outshine her, she was always the jealous sort. Most likely, she was just a witchy person and she hated me for the sake of hating someone.

I rolled my eyes at her, I spared no impolite gestures.

Dinner was living hell. I dreamt of being able to tell them all just how much I despised them with no consequences. I mostly ignored everyone and ate. Every now again when it was evident I was not at all engaged in the conversation my step mother or father would nudge me and I ignored them. Ben tried to talk to me unfortunately. I didn't know what he was going to say, I didn't give him that long, before standing up and going to the bathroom. So much for trying to stay out of arguments with the father. I ran upstairs and locked my bedroom door as soon as they left. I wanted to rest.

After taking a shower, I chucked on a vest top and joggers. I tied my hair in a messy bun and brushed my teeth before climbing into bed. As I stared at the ceiling I began to get a sense of deja vu from the night before. And then I had the sickening memory of the text I had got. I had pushed it out of my mind for the entire day, but I knew it was not something that should be ignored. I was not an idiot. However, was could I do? I have no one to tell, and it was not like getting the police involved would be suitable. That way my father would know, it could only get worse from there. I toyed over what to do. I faced the truth that there was probably nothing I could do. I just had to wait and see. I knew I was strong, I could defend myself but I did not know what kind of thing I was dealing with. Gosh, how I hoped it was an empty threat. I found myself lacking breath. I jumped out of bed and ran to my window, opening it and take a deep gasp of cold air. As much as I always wanted to be tough, I could not help feeling the stress hoarding my brain. I got a little panicked at times. Seeing Ben and thinking about the message was too much. Not to mention, saying goodbye to the first person who stood out to me in years. I climbed onto my balcony. I kept a blanket out there for bleak nights. I wrapped myself in it and sat, gazing at the stars. I finally felt alone.

It was non-preventable. Suddenly a surge of tears screamed at me to let them out. I hated crying, it made me feel weak. I simply could not collect myself any longer, I wished I could just be happy for once. I didn't need money, a big house, fancy cars, or anything like that. All I wanted was to be free and make choices for myself, I wanted to be a nobody.

Three positive things, I forced myself to think.

One – I was lucky. I was born in a wealthy country into a wealthy family and I never had to worry about food or where I was going to sleep.

Two – I had a surprisingly nice day away from my house and the city centre.

Three – Three... I couldn't think of anything. I tried. But I was just really, very miserable.

After star gazing for another hour, I went back inside and tucked myself into bed. I had cleared my mind a little. All I could think about was how today could have been if I weren't me. And if I weren't me, when would I be seeing Parker again?