UNCONDITIONALLY YOURS

Letter // 47

After Summer left, I instantly feared she would tell Parker where I was staying. Unsurprisingly, she did exactly that, and every emotion I wanted to disappear escalated once again. With only a mere door between us things were even harder. I still saw him as our best of times as much as I wanted otherwise, so that just made it harder. My entire body was screaming as me, telling me to run out there and be with the man I love, because I was thinking of him as the one who loved me too. I just wanted to feel at home. But home was with him and I couldn't have him because he didn't truly love me. And I loved him.

He talked to me, practically begging me to speak back but all I would do is sit there and try not the cry any more than I already was. Maybe it was just my mind being too stubborn, however, because logically, if he didn't love me, things didn't make sense. He had got what he wanted, he damaged my father's reputation and involved him in a scandal. He hurt me, like he must have thought would happen when he broke things off. What was the use in all the things he had done for me after that if he truly didn't care? But either way, I had been used once again, and I couldn't let myself look past that.

He never left, but I could tell he fell asleep there. My heart blazed in the most agonizing way for him, it always would even after and that had been said and done. I also feel asleep there. It was a strange feeling. Knowing he was there, but only just out of reach.

When I woke up, I looked through a crack in my door. He was gone. I didn't know if to be upset or if to be relieved. It was like I wanted him there, but at the same time I didn't. I really had to pull myself together. I knew that sulking my way through things was no way to go. Any part of me that had started to heal was replenished to its previous suffering. In a way, it was a pain that I deep down needed. Like an addictive burn.

*****

Another two weeks passed slowly and torturously. Things did not get better as I had hoped. I was getting more and more bored as well as sick of the tiny and restricting apartment. Parker decided from the night he spent outside my door, he would not leave me alone like he had before. It made it impossible to move on, because I couldn't let go of the love I felt for him. It was undying and it didn't fade. It was a kind of love to last a lifetime, Parker would always be my everything. Even if I wanted to hit his arm harshly, even if I wanted to scream at him and ask him over and over why he would let me down, it was impossible to deny the way I would forever feel for him. And I don't even mean that I could act like I didn't care about him and convince myself that even though I would be lying, I mean is was physically unattainable. I could lie to myself, but not that deeply. I couldn't even state out loud I didn't care for him because I couldn't force the words out. Not that I had anyone to talk to.

Looking for a job wasn't working. There were barely any job openings, and the very few there were, were not options for me for reasons that involved Parker and my father. The loneliness was making me sad. The having nothing to do was making me bored. I always had been and always would be the kind of person who needs to do something not to feel useless. But there was nothing. Besides, half of the time I was afraid to leave the apartment in case Parker was around. I had not yet spoken to him or seen him. But every few days he would check in on me and reinvigorate my longing for him.

It had been a few days since I saw him, and instead of sitting outside my door he slipped a letter through. I eagerly picked it up, gasping as I did so, and I place it on my bed and stared at it like something was going to pop out of it.

'Thunder xx

Please read this.'

My heartbeat sped up. I wondered if I should even read it but ceased that I would be far more restless from not reading it than by reading anything that letter could say. I opened it and began to read attentively as a tear slid down my cheek.