Kingdom Come Undone

Purple Pink Skies - Part 2

We spent most of the rest of the evening sitting in my living room sharing stories back and forth about our twenties. Despite her being a mother and me a student at the time, we could relate to the other's experiences more often than not. A little before 11, I carried her bag upstairs for the evening before we both settled into bed.

With Alison, I had learned to stop expecting things. It didn't matter how long we had been together or what date number this was or what the events of the night entailed, our relationship was in the moment. We didn't go by expectation. Our actions were completely dependent on the other. So as we climbed underneath my comforter, as she wrapped her arms around me so I could lay on top of her chest while looking up at her, I knew to expect nothing. Alison was my only priority. Anything else was secondary in her arms.

"I love your eyes." I whispered in the glow of the side table light.

Blushing, she replied, "You're incredibly endearing, Em. Sometimes I look at you and wonder how you don't see it yourself."

"See what?"

"How breathtakingly beautiful you are. You are seriously one of the most attractive human beings I've ever laid my eyes on, and you're lying in my arms tonight after cooking me dinner? I could've never dreamed to be this lucky. And I don't think you even know it. You've been so taken with your work and your purpose that you've neglected the inner you. I don't – I don't mean that in a bad way. You have self-confidence of course, but I look at you and see magnificence. I see indisputable beauty."

I knew what she meant. I wasn't oblivious to my looks; I saw myself in the mirror each morning and understood how the world found me conventionally attractive. I've dealt with harassment and cat-calling. I got it. But I also learned early on in my career that my looks wouldn't get me anywhere. I l learned that flaunting my looks were unimportant. And as I left my looks behind heading into college, I soon realized that my obsession with them faded as well. Time without that obsession made it so Alison's focus on my beauty sometimes came off as a surprise. It was unintentional, but the way she looked at me made me forget who I even was 80 percent of the time.

"But you're dating me... doesn't that introduce implicit bias?"

"Okay, I know what bias is. But implic – whatever, you're smarter than I am. Quit getting me off topic!" She swatted my shoulder while kissing the top of my head, "I'm trying to shower you with appreciation."

"And when do I get to do that for you?"

"Well, you're not dating someone who could moonlight as a model in her spare time..."

It was my first impression that the way Alison carried herself was part of a bigger façade. That the makeup and the perfection donned through her outfits was to protect something she'd rather keep hidden. That overtime she had been taught that some part of her was better off concealed. I wanted her closed off. I wanted her wide open. I wanted her regardless. But it had been so long that I stuttered through my next sentences trying to find my place.

"What's going on, Alison?" I brushed a tendril of hair from her face as we turned toward one another, "You're usually so confident and rightfully so. It's one of the many things I'm falling in love with. But because I know how you typically talk when we're together, it feels like you're trying to open a new door. Like this is vulnerability masking itself as self-deprecation? What are you trying to tell me?"

"Nothing." She closed her eyes, trying to lie while staring right back at me was too difficult to face. Alison's hands moved up to cover her face before she spoke again, "I'm af – to – you." Her words were muffled as she let a bit of one eye sneak through the slits between her fingers.