Kingdom Come Undone

Wanting Was Enough - Part 2

Not saying any words, she interrupted me with an action. Despite looking sick to her stomach, she found enough within her to pull out her phone. And pressing the power button, she held the main screen up to my face. To a screensaver that immediately caused me sit.

Because there he was. Carter. It had to be him. Tall. Incredibly handsome. Dark hair. Light eyes. Smiling. Christmas 2019 in typed cursive in the right corner. Ten months ago and here she was with her hands resting gently on his back. Laughing. But despite all of those details, it wasn't the important one. Because Carter stood there, his hands extended in the air above him as he was tossing a smaller version of the marvelous woman in front of me into the sky. A smaller her in male form.

"Alison –"

"I don't give a fuck about Carter. I don't have a good relationship with him because I want to. I have a good relationship because I have to." She sat down next to me and immediately put her head in her hands. "This is too soon, isn't it? I've never had to tell anyone I liked before. I don't know how or when is the right time, but I can't have you mad at me. Not for this."

A child. A whole kid. The girl I was falling for didn't just go to church with family. She went with her actual family. Hers. Belonging to her. A child. And not a small one either. Not a tiny baby, but a what? Elementary schooler? I zoomed in on his face trying to get a better look in my silence. Alison placed her hand on my leg, letting me attempt to absorb what the fuck was going on. She was a mother. She fulfilled roles I hadn't even yet considered for myself. She was responsible for a human life while I barely kept plants alive during a good stretch of mental health. If I thought I couldn't breathe around her before, it was damn near impossible now. Had I blinked in the past minute or was I just sitting in front of the woman I had known for a week's time malfunctioning in front of her?

"What's his name?" The only words I could muster in my brain's stupor without remaining completely silent.

She inhaled, reaching for my hand, craving solace I didn't know if I could provide. "This is my 7 year old son, Jacob, or Jake for his favorite few... Say something, please."

The phone calls after 9. The having to rearrange her schedule to make room for today. Needing to make introductions before going to church. The incessant mentioning of Carter. It's because he sure as hell wasn't going anywhere. But here I was next to the woman who less than two hours before I silently claimed wanting togetherness. With her. I wanted to make mine and hers simply ours. She was that same person, right? I mean, she wasn't a cheater. She hadn't been thrown off by the word dating. She just couldn't figure out how to tell someone becoming important to her about the most important thing in her life. Her son. Alison's son. Jacob.

She wasn't looking for me to have all of the answers in this moment. There's no way that I could. She just wanted to put us on the same playing field. I would be a trash human being to walk away in the face of her honesty. I wouldn't be the woman I claimed to be. Someone who 5 days before preached vulnerability and honesty. Empathy... I had said that too, hadn't I? Don't be a fucking hypocritic, Emily...

"Tell me more." I turned my entire body toward her on the bench, seeking any and every detail she was willing to share. I needed time to figure this out.

"Well, to start, he's my favorite person. He's the happiest child and makes me so proud to be his mother. He's my greatest accomplishment. He's incredibly strong and brave. His favorite thing in the world is to be with both his dad and me, so we try to make that happen at least once a week. Usually Sundays because of church –" she interrupted my opening mouth, " – Nope, nope. Don't say anything. I'm here with you today because I want to be; we hung out yesterday instead to make up for the change. He also loves cars. All types: tractors, BMX bikes, 18 wheelers, ambulances, flat beds. God, so many that I can't even keep track of. But he's so smart, Emily. He knows so many facts from the books he reads and stores them all so perfectly. He amazes me more than he probably should. But I stare at him and I feel..."