Kingdom Come Undone

Mine To Lose

Disclaimer: I know it's hard to believe, but I am NOT a doctor. So in this chapter when Emily is describing things about her job... that comes from like 20 minutes of research, not a Ph.D, so be gracious. Maybe? Or feel free to correct me, and I'll do my best to make it incorporate. Idk. Just wanted to make it abundantly clear that I am in no way qualified to be writing paragraphs of cancer research or genetics, and yet chose to do so anyway. Haha.

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Our conversation went over like a nightmare. And as it replayed in my imagination, my eyes shot open multiple times throughout the night trying to retrace where I went wrong. Was it the lie or was it what I was lying about? My fingers massaged through my scalp as the small curls from my disheveled hair shaped around my fatigued face. Her face as she walked away forever imprinted. Her eyebrows signaled confusion and hurt, while her eyes screamed dreadful memories meeting her present. Her sunken dimples once mesmerized by our conversation, disappeared into the crowd around us. I had hurt her without attempt. I had impeded our future before it had even begun.

My mind wracking for answers, I waded downstairs in the twilight of night to cuddle into the corner of my sofa. The bright light from my iPad hit my dark brown eyes, forcing them to briefly close as they adjusted to the black around me. My Google search for 'Alison DiLaurentis' returned minimal results, but it took my breath away to see her face again. Clicking through to her LinkedIn page, I waded through her work history. Minimal work experience filled the page between her receiving her Masters at 24 and joining her father's foundation at 28. I wanted to fill the gaps. I wanted to know the nuances that made her... her. She lived a much more glamorous life than I did, probably due to her family's wealth. But that isn't what fascinated me about her. It was the way she appeared forever open and yet forever closed off. The way that she gave little away about herself in person or online. There was no apparent link to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. No desire to be in the limelight other than the events in which she was thrust into the conversation. She preferred to be known amongst the shadows.

I knew the feeling well. The past few months had been a whirlwind of all of my least favorite social outcomes. I went from relatively unknown to a new name in medicine. It would be overwhelming, to say the least, for anyone who chose to search my name in the middle of the night. Startling to Alison for sure. I met her six hours before and was already anticipating her emotions and deeply desiring to help regulate any misconceived notions gathered from the copious press releases flooded with my name. I wished I could tell her my story without the introduction of the outside world. I wished that when you searched 'Dr. Emily Fields' or even plainly 'Emily Fields' that my photo didn't appear. Not that it wasn't an excellent photo, but I spent my life seeking anonymity, hiding behind books and explanations of mitochondrial fission in cancer cells to escape from the pressures of the world around me. It was surreal to see.

Emily Fields, M.D., Ph.D., Cancer Genetics and Epigenetics, Co-Lead Researcher in Pathology and Mutation at The Sidney Kimmel Comprehensive Cancer Center for Johns Hopkins Medicine

I hadn't yet learned how to lead with that mouthful. How do you announce your well-earned accomplishments while remaining humble? How do you project your intelligence without belittling the gorgeous woman in front of you? How do you ensure that she sees you as enough of yourself before realizing that the event you met her at directly impacts your work day to day? I may never learn. Because beyond someone who worked incredibly hard to be where they're at, I was simply someone who never learned how to feel comfortable in the ever-growing world around me.

It's not that I was a prodigy. Or even a genius. I was a woman who worked hard from the word 'Go.' Who invested every waking hour into being better than I was the day before. I received a full-ride to the University of Texas at Austin purely because of my SAT scores. From there, my Bachelor of Science in Biology with emphasis in Cell and Molecular Biology, combined with my extensive research experience made me a shoe-in for UT's Medical Branch programming. I met the right people at the right time and receiving a M.D. – Ph.D. in Experimental Pathology at the exact time Johns Hopkins lead researcher was in the planning stages of retirement was fate. Working underneath Dr. Huang, one of the most prolific researchers in the nation, during his sabbatical research project in Austin changed my life and put my name on the short-list for my current role. One of the youngest in the field, I relished in every moment spent building cohesive reports for cancer patients and making strides toward potential genetic and epigenetic links that could be found in the research for years to come.