Kingdom Come Undone

Brave The Seasons

Walking back into the room the next morning, Alison was just starting to open her eyes in the glow of the lamp on our bedside table. I loved her sleepy hair. The way that layers of her hair faded into cowlicks overnight masking and covering her face. She forever had to brush bangs from her face in the morning. So despite seeing her eyes flutter open, I knew she was still a few minutes from waking up fully.

"Yeah, definitely. I will pass the word along." I whispered into the receiver of my cell. "And thanks for answering my call so early in the morning, Jason. I'm not heading to the airport until around 2, so text me the updates until then." I laughed at his reply, "No, I'm looking at her now. As much as you beg to differ, her sleep did only make her more beautiful. Yeah, yeah. I know we're disgusting. If I don't see you, thank you for everything you've done for your parents so far. If Alison can't say it to you yet, I want to make sure I do." Alison wrapped her arms across her chest as she tucked the sheets around her, looking at me with her head tilted." For sure. It was good to see you. Call me day or night with anything I can help with. Even from Baltimore, I'll help as much as I can." I leaned forward, kissing her forehead. "Sure thing. Bye." I paused, as I looked into her eyes, "Good morning."

Her fingers coursed through the hair at my shoulders, "Morning. What was that?"

"You asked for me to talk to Jason yesterday about the funeral arrangements. I explained it, and it's done."

"It's done?" She smiled, gently.

"Yeah, sweetheart. It's not on your shoulders. I'm answering any and all of his questions until I leave this afternoon. But you're with me today."

"And we are in charge of what?" She followed me with her eyes as I walked around the bottom of the bed before sitting down beside her.

Placing my hand underneath her chin, I replied, "Absolutely nothing." I kissed her tenderly. "Nothing at all."

She nodded, slightly sighing in contentment, "So, we can keep talking then?"

"We can always keep talking. That's what we do."

Alison laid back on her pillow, staring up at the ceiling, "I want you to tell me the story."

I curled into her side, resting my hand against her torso and chest, "And what story is that?"

"I was thinking about it last night, and yes, I respect what you said. I accept it, and I will never push you, Em. But I don't understand it, and I don't think you do either."

She was speaking vaguely because she had promised not to bring it up again until Christmas. She was breaching the subject but without manipulating the conversation. I laid there silently wanting her to continue because I feared if I started, I may never stop.

"I don't think you understand what you saying that shit does to me. That I am ready and willing and able, and you're – I don't know – you're..."

"Stuck." I sighed. "I mean, it doesn't feel great being the one with trauma they haven't overcome either. Knowing that I'm what's holding us back, not an arbitrary thing, but actually me."

She kissed the top of my head, "And so, I want you to tell me the story. I want to understand it."

"Really? We have the whole morning together, and you want me to relive my past."

"Yeah. I want to be able to leave you this week understanding exactly where and why we stand."

Her family's entire world was crumbling and so, here she was seeking an ounce of solid ground. A crumb to cling to. But it had taken me years to not endlessly replay that day over and over again in my head. It had nearly destroyed me. But I was still here, and I was still traumatized. It was still a weight that I carried daily. And part of me figured that maybe if I finally told someone, really told someone, maybe the weight would fade altogether.