Kingdom Come Undone

Dare To Sit

A/N: Wanted to post this before heading out for the evening. Hopefully through reading this chapter you'll understand why it took so long to get out. Thanks for your patience. :)

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The last words he said to me were I'm scared.

And I don't think the reality of that settled into my bones until hours later. Until I stood through opposing glass above him on that operating table barely able to hold myself together. I had found that I wasn't quite able to look down at pieces and parts of the child I considered to be my own being removed. So instead, I opted for sitting, my head tilted to rest against the wall before me, silently praying that if I were needed, they would buzz me immediately. My whole body shook as though running a fever seconds from breaking. From my hands to my flipping of my stomach into my feet, I couldn't piece those parts together to create a cohesive person.

It's why I was still in the observation deck and not in the waiting room with Carter and Alison. That and my promise to Jacob that I would stay with him as much as possible. But I knew I couldn't go out there. Be by her side. Be confident. Be together. Not like this. Not stripped at the seams. I couldn't go out there when I was scared too.

That's the reality that settled in. I felt the same way as the child who was trusting me. Who had put faith in everyone else in hopes that maybe something would turn out in his favor. The child I promised to be with every step of the way. And I had been thus far. I held his hand as he was wheeled into the OR following his bout of anesthesia. I looked and relooked at Dr. King's surgical plan. I took in the stares from Dr. King as I watched over his shoulder to make the marker's incision line in the appropriate place before apologizing and taking a few steps back and then being dismissed seconds from the first incision point.

Alison exhaled as I walked in the waiting room moments after that dismissal, extending her right hand to feel some sense of peace once again, "How is he? In surgery now, right?"

My left hand cupped her face as I nodded, ensuring to make eye contact with Carter as well before speaking, "He is. I held his hand the whole time we were back there and may have promised him ice cream in a small moment of panic. So when he's able, first meal's on me."

"Good. And Dr. King seemed confident?"

Carter stood stoically while speaking, his jacket crumpled in his hands. Through the stoic façade though, there were small cracks. Like the way his hands faintly were crushing the jacket in his palms as though seconds from reaching a breaking point. Or the way his eyes fluttered from one thing to the next around the room, trying to not digest too much of environment around him so that part of him could remain intact outside of today.

"He did. I read through the plan multiple times, and it all seems to be what we agreed to. And I'll be there making sure it all goes accordingly like I promised J." Alison nodded, squeezing my hand tighter, "It should be about an hour and half to complete the biopsy, maybe two to get the full results. And from there, we'll know more about timing. I'd assume that he'll be out of surgery around three or four."

"Okay..." She exhaled. It was in a way that felt like she was saying, 'I trust you.' That despite her nervousness, it potentially would have been far worse without my presence. "Can you text us from the observation place?"

"Definitely. I mean, his doctors could technically use their phones during surgery, so there's nothing stopping me for sure." I watched as Carter and Alison's eyes went wide, "Oh, well, use of cell phones is rare! But like – they could in case there are other emergencies or cases that they... " I gulped. "I'll just stop there. I can tell that I'm not helping." Lifting Alison's hand to my lips, I looked in her eyes pleadingly, "But yes, I can text you short updates if you'd like."