Drowning Without Water - A Criminal Minds x Reader

Eighteen

<One Month Later>

"Y/L/N. We have to talk about this."

"Hotch. There's nothing to talk about. He's dead and I'm not." Hotch glares at you and you sit back down on the couch in his office.

"Y/N... you lost someone close to you. I know what that's like and I know how hard it can be."

"Our relationship was complicated... it wasn't exactly like you and Haley... sorry."

"It's okay. We're here to talk. Anything is on the table."

"Hotch," you sigh, "I don't know. It doesn't feel real. Like the last few months didn't happen to me, didn't happen to any of us."

"Y/N. For this to work, you have to be honest with me. Have you seen him?"

"I am being honest with you Hotch! And... no. Not since he's woken up." Hotch sighs and writes something in his notes. "What am I supposed to say here? I know you're evaluating everyone, not just me but I can't stop feeling like it's my fault."

"It's not. It's Alex's. But we got him Y/N, he got him."

"Yeah but at what cost... I should be dead right now. It should've been me who got killed. Not him."

"But it wasn't. You are alive and from what I hear, doing okay. Could things have gone better in the takedown? Absolutely. Are all of us still hurting because of what happened? Of course. Do any of us wish you got killed? No." You sigh and ignore what he said. It's all psychoanalytic bullshit. Doing this interview with a profiler is hell. "I'm sure you're aware he's been asking for you? You should see him. It'll help."

"I... I don't know Hotch. After what he did? Should I really go and see him?"

"I think you should. But it's you're choice. He's doing better."

"That's... good I guess..." There was an awkward tension in the room. Both of you were walking on eggshells, scared to say something wrong.

The truth is... his death was killing you. He shouldn't have had to die. All you had to do was warn the team so they could update the profile and maybe... maybe he'd still be alive. It's been a month and you still couldn't get over it and go back to your job. Everything reminded you of him.

"Y/N... I know I'm your boss and definitely not the person you go to for this but... I think you're an extremely valuable member of this team. I know what a death like this can do to a person and it shouldn't happen to you. Alex nearly killed you and then..." he trails off, "I know how close you two were, even with everything that happened, he knew things about you I didn't even know. And I have your FBI file." You both let out a small chuckle.

"Is it bad I'm going to miss him?" Hotch contemplated his answer.

"No. It's normal." You nod your head.

"Am I good to go now? I think I'm gonna go visit him. Plus I'm tired of being profiled." A small smile creeps on Hotch's face.

"Yes, you can go. Just, be careful. Everything is going to hit you, hard. And when it does, you'll need someone. I'll be that someone if you need me. You're special and important to me and I've lost too many special and important agents to something like this."

"You mean Elle and Gideon?"

"Yes but you're nothing like either of them. You're a hell of a lot stronger. I know you can get through this. I'm here, off the record, if you need me." You smile at him.

"Thanks Hotch." You stand up to leave, wincing a little at the pain in your leg as you put full pressure on it. You had healed enough to go back to work, as long as it wasn't in the field. You walk out of his office and head down the stairs. Passing the rest of the team, Derek, Emily, JJ, Penelope, and David, but you get an overwhelming sense of sadness when it hits you who's missing.

It always did.

--

The hospital wasn't that far from the BAU, only a 20-minute drive. But it felt way longer. Especially when Hamilton came on your driving playlist. It just made you miss him more.

You walk up to the nurse's station to check-in. It hurt to say his name while doing it.

"Ahh, you're the one he's been asking for. What's his story anyway? What's your secret? How do you get a guy that obsessed with you?"

"Honestly? I have no idea." She nods and leads you to his room. She opens the door and you see him. He looked better than he did when he was in the coma but still didn't look the best... He locks eyes with you.

"Y/N? What are you..." You take a step towards him.

"Hotchner said you've been asking to see me."

"I'll leave you guys to it," the nurse says before leaving and shutting the door. You pull up a chair and sit next to them.

"They said you weren't gonna come... but I knew you would. I knew you wouldn't just leave. Especially since I was told you visited me every day while I was out." It was true. You saw him every day but as soon as he woke up you stopped. "Why did you stop seeing me?"

"I... I didn't know what to say. It was just... complicated."

"Because I killed him? I'm glad I did."

"You can't say that!"

"I can and I will. I don't regret what I did. Any of it." How could he... how could he even say that?

"You realize I wish you shot me instead most nights? I lay in bed thinking how much better everything would've been if I just... died that night." He looks at you upset.

"Don't ever wish that you were dead. I'm happy he died and you didn't. I always will be."

"Of course you'd be happy! I'm not! No one should've died or gotten hurt except for me. I caused all of this. I was the only one who should've paid." Tears started to well up in your eyes as you spoke and he looked at you, hurt.

"I made my choices. I killed him. I killed him for you, for us."

"I know your intentions were pure but... you still killed him."

"Do you want me to say I'm sorry Y/N? Because I'm not. I can apologize for hurting you because I am sorry I did that. I never wanted to hurt you." You could tell he was telling the truth.

"I don't hate you. Everything's just... complicated."

"Complicated?" he says at the same time as you, "yeah, that's what I thought. Look... I miss us. I'm sorry."

"I miss us too but..."

"But?" he looks at you sadly.

"Things won't be the same."

"I know. I don't want them to be." You were about to answer when your phone rings. It's Hotch.

"Y/N here."

"Look, I know you're with him right now but we just got called in. You can keep talking with him and meet us on the plane or-" You interrupt Hotch.

"It's fine, I'll be right in." You hang up and look at him. "I have to go. We'll talk later though."

"Okay..." He watches you as you get up and leave. You stop in the doorway.

"And Spence?"

His face lights up at the nickname. "Yeah?"

"I love you too."