Drowning Without Water - A Criminal Minds x Reader

Twenty-Two

(Y/N's POV)

The drive back to our apartment is silent. Spencer wanted to ask what happened and I wanted to just... disappear. It's bullshit that this keeps happening to me. I'm not a victim. I don't want to be a victim. I joined the FBI so I'd never feel like that again. I'd be the person hunting the bad guys instead of the person being attacked.

Obviously, there would be some exceptions to that. There were always unsubs who felt like hunting the FBI, but I never wanted to be a victim outside of work. I hate feeling like a victim. I should've easily overpowered that guy and Alex but I didn't. I didn't do anything. I froze as Emily...

Emily. She got arrested. I know her and Hotch are going to have a field day ruining this guy's career but she still got arrested. It's my fault she got arrested in the first place. "Who's getting Emily out?" I ask quietly. Spencer turns and smiles at me, happy to hear me talk.

"I believe Derek called Hotch right before I left."

"Oh okay. Good." It goes back to silence. After about 2 minutes, Sencer speaks up.

"It wasn't your fault she got arrested."

"Yes it was. She wouldn't have been out there if I didn't make it so fucking easy for that guy. I went outside, by myself. I'm so fucking stupid..." He pulls into his parking spot and turns to me.

"You're not stupid Y/N. I don't even know everything that happened but I know it wasn't your fault."

"You wanna know what happened? That guy at the club knew that I was a vic... that something happened to me. He felt the scars but he didn't give a fuck, he saw me as an easy target because of that. He knew how weak I really am. And he took advantage of that. Right outside that bar. Then Emily, being the badass she is, punched the guy off me, fought him some more and a cop showed up. He lied, she told the truth, the cop took his side because of what I was wearing. He arrested Emily for attacking him and let him go. You wanna know what happened Spencer? The fucked up system we work for happened."

I exit his car and slam the door behind me. I know he's following, but I continue running up to the apartment. I go up the stairs, nearly falling, two at a time. When I get to the apartment I pull out the key he gave me, unlock the door, and walk inside, not bothering to shut the door. As soon as I am inside, I fall to the ground and start bawling. Everything hits me all at once. It all catches up.

What happened outside of the bar. Where Emily is. What that cop said. What Alex did. What Alex said. What happened when I was 14. Everything. It all comes flooding to the front and I can't stop it. I hear the door shut and feel Spencer wrap his arms around me, sitting next to me on the floor.

I can't move but he knows. He knows I know he's there. "I... I'm tired Spencer," I whisper out between sobs.

"I know, but you have to keep fighting. For me. For us. You can't give up now." He says back in my ear. I want to... I want to just give up. It'd be so much easier than going through this hell everyday. I hate myself everytime I think of Alex. I hate myself everytime I see myself in a mirror. I hate... I hate how much Spencer cares.

"Why does this keep happening?"

"I... I don't know. But Y/N, you will be okay." He lifts up my head so I'm looking at him in the eyes. "I promise you that I am never leaving you. Life is hell sometimes, you know better than anyone, but I will always be at that hell with you. I will get you through it. Just please don't give up on me." He looks at my lips, but just pulls me into a hug.

That's how I know I love Spencer. Any other guy would have taken advantage of this moment. Any other guy would've used this emotional state to make a move. Any other guy would've kissed me just then. But Spencer wasn't any other guy. He cares. He knows I'm not ready.