Drowning Without Water - A Criminal Minds x Reader

Nineteen

TW// eating disorder discussion

"Anytime you hurt her you were really saying," Spence turns his head to look at me, "I love you, I love you so-"

He gets cut off as I fall to the ground and two gunshots ring through the air.

"SPENCE!" JJ yells as she rushes over to him. I feel the warmness of blood pool around me. Hotch and Rossi run over to check on me and make sure I'm okay.

"She's alive but going in and out of consciousness! I need a medic!" Hotch yells, "JJ? Morgan? What's going on with Spence?" JJ is in too much shock to answer so Morgan does.

"Gunshot in the chest! There's a lot of blood Hotch! Where the hell is the medic!"

"S-Spence?" I stutter out softly.

"He's alive kiddo, JJ and Morgan are with him. Just hold on." Rossi comforts me.

"A-Alex?" I try to turn my head but Hotch keeps it in place looking at him.

"He's dead. Spencer killed him. You're safe Y/N." As soon as Hotch says that, I smile.

"Spencer c-can't die... I n-need to t-talk to him."

"Shhhh he's not dying on our watch. The paramedics are taking care of him now." Hotch reassures me.

"H-he can't have p-pain medication. He doesn't like it. You-you have to tell them that Aaron." I never called him Aaron so he knew that was important.

"Okay, I'll make sure they know. Just rest and save your strength. It's been a long few days." I nod as I slowly drift off to sleep. The next thing I know, I'm blinded by these white lights above me and feel hands all over me, touching and poking everywhere. I start to panic thinking I'm back with Alex. I thrash around trying desperately to get them away.

"NO! GET OFF! STOP!" I yell as I continue to kick and punch my arms out full force.

"Hold her down! Sedate her!" A foreign voice calls out. No no no.

"Hey wait hold on!" I hear someone familiar. Suddenly Hotch's face comes into view as he holds my shoulders down. It doesn't hurt like it should. Nothing hurts. "Hey, Y/N. It's okay, you're safe. You're at the hospital. Can you let the doctors take care of you?"

"I- I want Spencer. Where is Spencer, Arron?"

"He's in surgery. You have to let these people take care of you. Alex is dead. He's not here. He can't hurt you." I softly nod at him and he lets go.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room." The same voice from earlier says.

"No!" I object, "I don't give you consent to look at me without him in the room. I need someone right now." I hear a sigh as I feel Hotch grab my hand.

"You're going to be okay. You're going to be okay. You're going to..."

"Be okay." You wake up in Spencer's bed, him lying next to you. Holding you and whispering that phrase in your ear. He notices your awake and stops. "Good morning Y/N," he says softly while still holding on to you. He got discharged a week ago, neither of us could be in the field or fly quite yet so whenever there was a case, we worked from home or the Quantico office. You were still staying with Spence, still not doing the best mentally. You barely got any sleep and you assumed you kept Spence up as well.

Every night was filled with a flashback or nightmare. Spence says you have PTSD but you refuse to look at yourself as a victim even though deep down you knew you were. A victim. A weak, vulnerable, stupid, disgusting, obliv-