Clueless [h.s]

[35] Home

My mind had yet to process what had just happened as I walked back stiffly into my apartment. There were no words to do justice to what I felt, that I was certain of.

My heart seemed to slump a bit deeper into the cave in my chest as I slowly passed by Harry's apartment. Before I could even process what I was doing, my feet led me to Harry's door; my hand ghosting over the doorknob. I shake my head and clear my mind of any thoughts that Harry wants me in his life as much as I want him back in mine. He'd made it perfectly clear with his words and actions that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me, much less love me into the way I'd fooled myself to thinking he did.

The pain that still lingered behind as I lifted my hand from the doorknob and let my arm drop back to my side as I walked back into my cold apartment.

I pull my sweater over my head and throw it onto the floor, not caring where it landed. I slumped down onto the couch and rested my back against the sofa, my head throbbing with a sharp agonizing pain.

I was home. I was where I truly belonged. Alone. Home was supposed to be a place where you are known for yourself and the only place that you are truly loved. Home was where you were safe, happy, and alive.

Harry was my home. Being with Harry felt like the best version of myself. Being with Harry was the happiest I have ever been in my whole existence, and there was no part in me that denied that.

The love I felt for Harry remained, lingering and burning through my veins to mock me for what I had just lost. Agonizing bolts of heartache raced through my heart, ripping it to shreds only to mangle me and destroy me further. But what hurt me the most was the only thought that seared a hole right through me; Harry didn't love me back.

My issue wasn't that I did not know where my home was, because I did. But my issue was that Harry is my home; and I had lost him indefinably.

Strangled sobs pushed past my lips as I held tightly onto my aching heart, the painful feeling absolutely indescribable. All the confidence that I have built up my whole life seemed to be crashing down in attempt to destroy me as I held tightly onto myself. All the heartache and pain I have been set through this past month crashing down onto me and completely crumbling my walls down along with myself.

But this is how it was. This is how the rest of my life was supposed to be. Living without Harry felt like a part of you is missing, a certain emptiness in your heart that just cannot be filled because you do not have Harry. And possibly never will. It was just not that I missed him, because I truly did, but my issue was that he might not ever come into my life again.

I might not ever see the light he created into my life, I might not ever wake up to his burning emerald eyes, I might not ever wake up to his beautiful dimpled smile that made my heart flutter, I might not ever hear his beautiful laugh and the way his eyes would wrinkle to the sides and the way his nose would crinkle up when he laughed hard enough to make my day just a bit brighter. Harry was not in my life anymore, therefore, there was no more light, happiness, joy, laughs, and love.

When I had Harry, I thought nothing about these things. I thought they were natural feelings that you felt whenever you simply wanted, but that's just not the truth. Now that I do not have Harry, I do not have these simple feelings of joy.

I had missed him. I had missed the way he would lay down beside me, tease me, hold me, kiss me, talk to me. I had missed his presence and the way he would constantly make an effort to make me happy, but did not care if he was satisfied. He only cared about everyone else, what others thought of him. He did not give himself a single thought about his own happiness, he is a man with a heart of gold that loves to provide as much happiness to the world and not enough happiness to himself. He is incredible. Far too good for this world actually, far too deserving.