A Dream I Used To LOVE

Chapter 6

'Life is complicated. I'm so uncertain about what I'm getting into. I can't believe I said yes.
Am I being foolish? Am I letting my emotions get the best of me? I have a bad feeling about this.'

The school corridor was filled with pamphlets. The school was organizing a fundraiser. It was a couple-dance, and I didn't want to go. When I reached class the hot topic of discussion was what one was wearing for the party and who one was going with. 
I stationed myself away from the enthusiastic teenagers to avoid redundant conversation.

Somehow everybody's unnecessary enthusiasm irritated me, why was everybody so excited about a useless teenage ritual that will hold no value in anyone's life after a week.

"Why are people so crazy about this dance?" I looked at Rose.
"Aren't you going? I thought you would be excited about this." Rose asked, "How was dance practice with Andrew yesterday?"

My long pause followed by a sigh was an answer enough. Nobody could possibly enjoy Andrew's company. He was a narcissist with a capital-N. How could he be so full of himself? I mean I didn't see one admirable quality in him. I dated him in the 9th just because everybody was dating and I felt left out and within a few days I realized I'd rather feel left out than suffer from 'Andrew Charm'. At least we were friends back then and to be honest, his Charm only worked on ducks or superficial people. And I had very early on in my life realized that I didn't fit in either of the two categories.

Rose, like any supportive friend, said "Andrew can piss off. Audrey you don't have to beat yourself over this. If you want to change partners then you can do that."

What she said did make sense but if I backed out it would make me look like a loser, which I wasn't. 

"Rose I'm fine. You don't have to bother."
I just needed some space. It was not about Andrew. Honestly, I wasn't even sure why I was in such a bad mood.
"Audrey I get that you are upset about something, but I'm just trying to help. You don't have to take it out on me. Get your shit together."

Maybe it was the thought of my mother expecting me to excel at everything or maybe it was just Andrew's face but I said something I didn't mean.
"Yes, I don't expect you to understand. Nobody has any expectations from you"
Rose didn't get offended easily, but I had been cruel towards her. I was letting my problems hamper my relationship with everybody else.

"I'm sorry that your mother expects you to be perfect, but that does not mean I don't have problems in my life. I choose to handle it sensibly unlike you. Stop pitting yourself all the time. It's not the end of the world."

Rose was one of the few people who had described me just the way I was, she didn't use any flowery language to soften the blow. I did pity myself a lot which was a bigger problem than most problems in my life. Rose didn't want to talk to me after that confrontation which seemed fair after all I was acting like a Jerk. She decided we were better off without each other which wasn't fine. 

While I walked towards my locker I realized what I had done was wrong.  Of course Rose had problems.  At this point, I understood that I was a horrible friend to somebody who was nothing but good to me. I never bothered getting to know her problems I was a Jerk and a big one at that.

This was one of those moments when I sat alone with my diary. 

'I have been very selfish. I always thought that I would never disappoint the people who are close to me, but these days I mess up everything.'

I paused for a moment. Why was I worried about disappointing people when they didn't even bother about disappointing me? I took a deep breath one filled with reconciliation and then wrote again.

'Audrey remember that you are good enough the way you are.'

As I wrote those lines I realized I had to stop worrying about everybody's opinions. I felt as if a heavyweight had been lifted off my chest. My mother's opinion was surely important, but in attempts of being perfect, I shouldn't affect my relationship with others. Especially with people like Rose. Ben came and sat next to me "Where is Rose?"