A Dream I Used To LOVE

Chapter 29

"Did you know about this?" I exasperated. I was unable to control my anger. Chris stood there quietly "Answer me, did you know about this?"

After a prolonged period of silence, he finally spoke "Yes".

Maybe I was broken after hearing him say yes or maybe I thought he would protect my family like I protected his but I felt short of air but I felt betrayed. It was like the Trojan horse, it was a stratagem that caused me to believe their innocence while I set the dreams of my loved ones on fire.

I had never felt this heartbroken. Maybe this is how it feels being on one side of the black hole all alone just because you invested so much even though you knew there was a high risk involved. 

When you invest in stocks or maybe mutual funds they tell you that they are subject to risk. Like all securities, mutual funds are subject to market, or systematic, risk. This is because there is no way to predict what will happen in the future or whether a given asset will increase or decrease in value. Because the market cannot be accurately predicted or completely controlled, no investment is risk-free. Which was true and now I was standing in debt, heavy debt. I was in a pool filled with my insecurities involving high risk and low yield and I was too invested to walk out or at least it would take all that I had in me to walk away. 

"And you let it happen," I asked angered by his silence. It's like you expect someone to protect you but instead, they abandon you.

"Audrey it was a business decision and I don't think I can interfere" 

In uncontrollable anger, I said something that hurt both of us a lot, him because he knew it was true and me because I knew it wasn't.

"Why am I interfering with your family then? Kathy isn't my sister but I still care because I ..." I was about to say what I was most afraid of saying but I didn't simply because I knew it would be too hard for me to bounce back. The feelings were better off unacknowledged.

He didn't say anything to me, he too was protective about his family just like I was. We were just two humans battling for our families because for some reason we felt they were the only constants in our life. Nana always said this "When two impulsive humans collide they create more disaster which should be avoided. They are like lost stars" She was right, it was like a Stellar collision, our collision was fatal to all around us that it would create blinding light, that was the level of our anger. His and mine.

"Don't ever talk about Kathy like that" and I didn't argue because Kathy was important to me as well and I had said all that in a state of rage.

I stood there facing my back towards Chris not wanting to talk to him for a while till I had calmed down.

"Audrey" he came and stood in front of me "Talk to me," he said cupping my face but I jerked his handoff.

"Are you so blissfully unaware of the fact that you have ruined perhaps forever my father's dream? He worked very hard for that deal and my relationship with you shouldn't affect that. I appreciate the fact that things are getting better between you and Mrs. Scott but that does not give either of you the rights to ruin or harass my father"
I stopped to breathe. I had never been this angry.

You know the feeling of somebody innocent being punished for your sins and crimes, that's exactly how I felt. My feelings for Chris shouldn't have ever escalated. My parents were at the end of the day the only ones for me and I could never deny that.

"My father had nothing to do with my decision. Why should he be punished? I can never dwell on my feelings knowing my father's state. I do not wish to see you henceforth. Please do not try contacting me"
As I started walking away, he held my wrist and pulled me back.

"Audrey, you must know the deal has reneged because it was a liability to my mother's company. She couldn't go bankrupt trying to help your father"

"Your mother? Suddenly, the woman that you have despised for ages is now your mother. She was cheating you all this time... You know what Chris, be happy with your perfect family. I want nothing to do with any of you. I should have known that trying to save your family I couldn't destroy mine but I guess I did just that. Now I can't even face them knowing that they are in this mess because of me"

And before leaving I said just one thing to him"The memory fades but the feeling stays and I sincerely hope that in your case I forget everything"

I walked away without even turning around once. My heart ached but those were the perks of falling in love. I had fallen already and now I had to overcome my biggest dilemma as well. I had chosen family over love I would always choose them. 

Families as like constellations you see, they come together to form something meaningful and mythological, unlike black holes which solely destruct you. I was that star that decided to leave the constellation to collide with the black hole and in doing so I spoilt a beautiful constellation.

There is a proverb in Greek mythology it says "Tantalean punishments", it is used for those who have good things but are not permitted to enjoy them. That was exactly my case, I had a family a very loving one, a father who had done everything for me and a guy I loved but I couldn't enjoy any of it with peace and serenity. If I chose the one I would inevitably hurt the other.

Just like Orpheus looked back while walking back from the underworld after saving his wife unable to control his urge and excitement I had done the same for the people I loved. I knew that my being with Chris would do nobody good yet I did it hurting not just me but so many others.

That's the thing about the pain you feel like you are prepared for it until it happens and when it does you are just left wounded even after thinking that you were well prepared. It just pierces right through your soul making you question every decision. I didn't ever want to ask myself 'Was it worth it?'. If you have to ask yourself that question at any stage in your relationship then the answer is more than clear. It isn't because if it was worth it, you wouldn't ever stop and ask yourself that question. I was on the brink of losing it all... They say right before you die you see your whole life in front of you. Its a representation of life events as a continuum that exists in the cognitive system, and it occurs in extreme conditions of psychological and physiological stress. The good, the bad, and the ugly. All of it and today as I stood in the garden all those moments spent with Chris where I inevitably hurt my family came in front of my eyes. It was like my soul had been ripped apart. I was dying...