A Dream I Used To LOVE

Chapter 32

Chris POV

As kids when we were given something we always wanted like a toy or a book or something we desired most ardently we would always want to hold onto it. Well, my state was no different than a child wanting to hold onto a loved one. Dad would often say 'Love comes as easily as it goes' and at that age, I didn't understand what that meant but today when I did understand what that meant I wished I comprehended it earlier.

I don't believe that people need other halves. I feel we are complete the way we are, with or without somebody but for me, I was born in halves. Not literally. I was incomplete because of many reasons but she, she was a complete person ready to share half of herself with me so that I could thrive. I was nothing but a parasite, living off of her love and hoping that she would never find out my reality but alas I was wrong. 

I felt more betrayed after doing what I did to her. She once told me one of her biggest insecurities in life, she was scared that the person she loves wholeheartedly may never reciprocate or share the same feelings for her. It was as if she had chosen them completely but they didn't and I did just that to her.

When you love someone it is your duty to comfort them and normalize their insecurities. Our insecurities are like the paintings we keep in hiding because they can narrate stories of our lives we wish never to relieve. It's like we age and with age, we are supposed to attain wisdom and stability of mind and emotions instead with age our insecurities and baggage just keeps doubling. 

I was very insecure about myself, because of Mrs. Scott and so Audrey very loving told me "Your insecurities are mine as well because you are that important to me". She believed that only when we love or adore someone we are ready to make their insecurities our own and fight and I believed that, I just didn't realize when I burdened her with all my baggage. 

I remember when Audrey had abruptly left to meet Mia and she wasn't answering my calls I didn't know what to do. I drove to her house even though I knew she wasn't there. I saw her cycle parked in the usual place, her favorite flowers Jasmine were in full bloom. I sat inside my car looking at the house wondering what I did wrong. That day Ben unexpectedly approached me for the first time. I had spoken to him before but we weren't friends.

"She isn't here," he said standing near the bonnet.
"Do you have any idea when she would come back?"
"A week tops" he laughed and I wondered why
"Ben can I talk to you"

Audrey told me how Ben and she practically grew up together and I knew that he would be of great help to me. In these past few months I had opened up a lot to her but she hadn't and I didn't want to rush her. But I wanted to be able to share her burden like somebody who cared for her.

"What do you want to talk about?" Ben inquired
Audrey was all I said and he got into the car and we drove to the place Audrey had taken me trekking.

Ben and I sat down and he started even before I could ask him anything
"You know when I was small and if I ever fought with my parents I would run away from my house and go to Audrey's house. Nana, Audrey, and I would have a blast..." he paused fidgeting with his diary "but whenever she had a problem she never came running to my house"

I could understand what Ben was trying to say.
"Chris because she is like that. She has always been that way. She finds it hard to share things about her life"

"Why?"

Ben laughed as if to mock me for asking that question.

"Her parents left her when she was a child at her Nana's. Every PTA meeting she would sit with me and smile at all the parents who had come with their kids. At parties, she would be the only kid coming with her Nana while everybody else had their parents around. And with time she grew fond, very fond of Nana, and then again she was separated from her"

"Why did her parents do that?"

"They had their problems and growing up she felt she was a burden to them. She is scared to get close to anybody because she knows she will lose them"

"The first time she ran and came to my house was after Nana's death. She hugged me and cried all night. I have known her since we were kids and she took almost a decade to open up to me but she is trying, believe me."

"Why is Audrey so very afraid of love?" I asked still not knowing why

"Because very few people have loved her without any expectations. Meryl is very sweet but she doesn't realize that sometimes she demands a lot from Mia and Addie. The transition from Nana's to Meryl's wasn't easy. She stopped talking to people for over a year. She became so quiet that everybody was worried..."

And when he said that I shuddered. Audrey was so talkative that I couldn't imagine her not speaking.

"Her family is so very important to her that for them she has and can sacrifice a lot. Don't hurt her Chris. She is so precious and you are beyond lucky to have her in your life"

She had such a magical effect on the people around her that everybody loved her yet she loved only a few. Maybe just a handful. And she believed that nobody loved her even though that wasn't true.

"For many years she felt nobody would love her. Meryl and Paul visited her once or twice a year and growing up without parents is hard"
I knew that after all, I had grown up without my parents.

"Nana was very loving but she was her grandma, not her parent, and now living with her parents she constantly wants their validation. I know that's stupid but she feels that is her only shot at being loved by anybody. She is insecure and so are we but she will never let you feel the burden of her pain..."

Today I remembered what Ben said to me that day knowing that I had done what I SHOULDN'T HAVE.

Love doesn't make you choose selfishness does.