A Dream I Used To LOVE

Chapter 35

I was supposed to fly back that evening and Dad came and spent some time with me. He was the kind of person who understood me so well that sometimes it scared me.

"Mon amour, you can move on only when you forgive someone" and as soon as he said that my heart started racing fast. I didn't tell him about Chris then what was he talking about?

He kissed me on the forehead and then left, but I was still confused as to what he was talking about.

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The reason I am the way I am is because unlike other kids I never got the opportunity to be a child. I lived in denial all these years. I could never voice out my insecurities, I was too busy trying to portray a happy face. But the thing about insecurities is that there is always going to be someone with bigger insecurities than you but that doesn't make your insecurities smaller, or less important.

I was back from New York. Things were better with Papa and after weeks I stopped blaming myself. At school, I did see Chris but I avoided him, maybe I needed more time. What do you call a person who knows something is wrong but still does it? According to Google, that person is called immoral or amoral. It's the feelings you miss more than the person but after coming back I missed him. Everything about him, the feeling, his smile, everything. I thought once I return I would be able to make things better but I just kept remembering him. 

I sat by the window sill, in my empty house wishing I could hug someone. It was raining heavily and I sat there watching the rain. When I was a kid, I asked Nana why does it rain and she said "because the sky needs to cry too" and today I could feel the gloominess. I rested my head on the window exhaling heavily my heart still feeling heavy. I felt very depressed and I didn't even know why maybe it was the rain or just the general ambiance. After spending time with my family coming back to an empty house was hard.

You know when you crave something and when you get it you stop craving for it instead you start craving for something else. That's exactly how I felt. I wanted to see him but I knew if I saw him I would want to talk to him and then I would want to hug him and hold him close to myself. It's like when you like a song and you listen to it on repeat, it's a loop.

While I sat there watching the rain I saw a car parked outside my house. My phone rang, it was Chris. I didn't pick up and so it went to voicemail.

"Audrey Martin I'm outside your house"

I got up and looked closely, he was standing outside. He didn't bring an umbrella and it was pouring heavily.

I called him back "Get inside the car"

"If you come down to see me I will" I exasperated annoyed by his behavior. Why does everything have to be so forceful?

"Chris please"

"Martin please" was all he said and maybe I was out of my mind, but I decided to go. I wore my father's coat because I couldn't find mine and now I knew that every time I tried doing something remotely stupid I would be reminded of him but as a matter of fact, I looked stupid. My father was so very tall and his coat was a gown for me. Oversized was an understatement.

I walked outside with an umbrella in my hand only to see Chris already had an umbrella in his hand. He just held it, while he got completely drenched in the rain. I stood beside him, both under the same umbrella. I stretched my hand to reach his height so that he wouldn't have to bend and he took the umbrella from my hand and held it for me.

"Please get inside the car" which was followed by a "Pleaseeee!"

He held the door open for me and I sat inside. I will not stay for more than 5 minutes was probably the biggest lie I told myself. I saw a basket which was kept behind, covered with a soft blanket and I wondered what that was. Soon he got in too.