Absence of a father's love 💔

part 11

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Lots of incidents has happened during this 2nd wave of pandemic. even our family faced a lot. I know this is something not proper to say in the public. But sometimes, keeping this all inside my brain is ripping me alive. Even my depression came back again after encountering all this incidents. Even on Sajibu Cheraoba i.e., the lunar new year of Manipur, our family had a fight at nighttime. My father while getting drunk started a fight with my mother by saying lots of horrible things to her. My mom was feeling unwell at that time and the fight had made her more mentally exhausted while she was not physically well. my dad would made her cook whatever he wants to eat even though she was not well at that moment. if she didn't do the work, he would threaten her by throwing utensils all over the house to start a civil war within the house. After doing the work, my mom got exhausted and got extra emotional due to her condition too. She was crying the whole time while doing the work. i did stop their fight at first. But how long am i going to do like this. what will happen to my mom when i left my home to study at Delhi. i have been in this situation all my whole life. I won't lie to the part that Yes, i m used to this. But as the incidents has occured frequently, sometimes i also feel heartbroken as i have feelings . Being a human and not a robot , yes i have feelings. I feel sad, helpless, heartbroken most of the time. I appeared happy on the outside but deep inside im like a broken doll. At extreme conditions, i feel suicide is the solution, even though it isn't. Cuz the pain got inbearable as it had gone beyond certain limits. The pandemic has hit our family a lot. Mom is having lots of financial problems as she has low sales admist the pandemic. As she was the main breadwinner of our family, we had to depend on her. I got my college classes on online because of the pandemic situation. I just admitted to Kamala Nehru College, Delhi University. being on an online course, I had to deal with both my academic life and also my personal family issues at the same time. I did try my best to balance the two, but sometimes it gets hard due to my Abnormal family condition. I tried my best to divert from this harsh reality by loving a Celebirty ,Tamocha (honey in Manipuri) Chanyeol who could never be mine. I have loved him like my own lover. When things go out of my control, i just watch him and tries to calm myself down from this harsh reality. Yes, it pains me a lot that I won't be able to be with my love one because of this evil destiny.

Another thing that hurts me the most is that ,whenever I tried to start a conversation about me to study law after my graduation, both my parents would always discourage me and turn my request down. They would never have faith on me no matter how hard i tried to convince them. It is true that being born in a lower middle class , I didn't got much privilege of having a famous lawyer as my father. I know this occupation is related with hierarchichal system of occupation. And I , being a daughter of a copper spoon family , doesn't have much chance to achieve such an expensive dream. But i m willing to give my everything, even if i fail on doing it. i Just wish to be a gud lawyer who takes care of her parents and give gud justice to the victims of our society and also a person who helps the ones in need. But until now, they r still opposing my dream. I don't have anyone to give me guidance for this law field. I did ask some of my acquaintances and friends to help me in this field. But i know this won't be enough for me to walk on my dream, as My parents' support is a must. Even after my 11th class, i didn't receive much support from my dad due to my subject stream . And now, in choosing my life carreer still he is opposing it. dear god! pls have mercy on me.

On 8th May, 2021, I lost my cousin brother from Covid 19. this terrible incident has made all of us heart broken. The 2nd wave of covid has made many people lose their dear ones and also made all of us suffer. the condition in India is really serious now. I was broken for many days after that horrible incident. I never expected him to leave all of us this early. Fortunately, my online classes got suspended admist the 2nd wave of pandemic. Otherwise, I won't be even able to concentrate on my studies. My main concern is mainly about my old parents, especially my Mom. She is weak, old and also has lots of illness (includes backpain,Blood pressure problem, migraine,stomach ache,etc) on her body. So, if she sufferes from covid, she is likely to pass away very soon. She is my only ray of hope. I m here because of her. She is the one who cares about me the most. Not even my father does this. I will frankly says this. I just want to work hard and after i become an independent person, i just wanna take care of her and also help lots of people who r in need. But I don't think I won't be able to do because of the fear from this virus. I would always pray to god for this and also to end this pandemic soon for everyone. And also, another main thing that concerns me is that, I won't be able to meet Tamocha Chanyeol. I had planned to just meet him after some years later. But i don't even have the hope to even think of this dream to happen because of the terrible things that was happening around me. I sometimes think , i might die without even meeting my love chanyeol. And, this thought alone kills me the most alive. Im trying hard to recover myself to my real self again even though it's really hard during this time. Yes we r taking many precautions to save ourselves from this virus. My parents will soon gets vaccinated. They r still waiting for their turn to come. Even i will also gets vaccinated soon. I have already registered my name for the vaccination. I posted dance videos on social media to divert myself from my bad thoughts sometimes. And that's all for now for me to share to all of u. I know its's hard times. For those who have lost their dear ones, i gave my condolences to u guys. I know how it feel to lose someone dear to us as i have under the same roof like some of u. No matter what it takes, we will fight this together. We can get this through together. Stay home, stay safe. Get yourself, yr family,etc vaccinated soon. Life will always goes on . There will be better days coming soon......

to be contd....