Absence of a father's love 💔

part 10. body shaming judgements

Hi guys, it's been a while since I updated this book. Yes I have started my new life in college through online mode. Yes I did faced lots of difficulties here through communication with my teachers for my academic studies as I studied in abroad. But I just let it slide as it is my own problem and never complain about this as fate as destined me to be in this situation. But the biggest threat I have received during this lockdown is more about body insecurities. I received lot of body shaming judgements even before the lockdown starts too. I am also an over thinker so this problem gives more tension to it.
Frankly to say,I have big breasts
. I know there r many male readers here. But I just want u all to give awareness regarding what kind of problems some women also faces in this judgmental society.
As in our society, most women have flat chests and only few woman have big chest,The ones having big chest r seen as slutty sometimes. I even received comments from mostly girls itself that I have big breasts n it looks too slutty.
I mean is it my choice that I have big breasts. I was born like this n I have to live like this as I can't change my body. This is also part of my inherited traits. Even some boys also sometimes look at me in a vulgar attitude n indirectly told me about this. I even cried a lot after they told me like that n my depression problem also got worse sometimes. I even think of cutting them by having breast cancer of something. I also had lots of negative thoughts because of this and my over thinking also adds to my problem. I also lost most of my confidence because of this. Most of my close friends would encourage me that it's not my problem n they r the main problem n I am beautiful n sexy as I m. Yes I like sexy,hot,Savage,badass,swag style a lot rather than cute stuff. But if people start calling me names like that it feels really uncomfortable n insecure. To be frankly speaking,Who wants to be called a prostitute if one is even not being one. And also I don't really get encouragements a lot when my flat chested frns consoled me as they n I are not the same. And I feel the pain while they don't feel it. It really gets hard at this stage. If another woman having same chest or big breasted women had consoled me,it would have been a little better than the worse. I would always cursed my myself and blamed my mother for birthing me like this. I tried to hide them but it would always turn out. I can't even dance freely to my enjoyment as it gets really uncomfortable and also others would mock me for it. I even thought of saving money to have breast reduction surgery. But the surgery would also affects my body in the later on period. So I suffered depression instead n tortured myself more n more.
Even when I look at many flat chested female kpop idols, things got even worse. I really hated myself n can't stop comparing myself. Instead of gaining confidence, I suffered mental health problems. Only Jessi was my hope. I only gain confidence only after seeing her.
Why is our society so toxic? They never know what a person is going through with their body or other else. They just talk shit whatever they want to make the other person bad. If only people were more open minded, it would have been better. Especially in a conservative society like mine in Manipur, things like this got worse. People be like shouting feminism n bodyshaming or backstabing others.
I really envy my frns or girls having flat chest as they r really free while I faced lots of insecurities.
I would always cry whenever I see my body in the mirror or just by looking down. I even tried to hurt myself many times because of this. I develop many mental disorder problems due to this. Most of their comments even made me question to myself, Am I really vulgar? Is it my fault the way I was born like this? I have suffered a lot before, how much I have To suffer more ? Not only my college,family ,financial problems but also this as an additional case. How much more do u want me to suffer?
I used to get love myself lessons from BTS. But now everything is faded n now I m back with my earlier body trauma.
Life is really harsh, I swear.. Suffering depression is not a joke. No matter how much I want to hide it, it will eventually pop up again.
If only more women stands up to fight against these body shaming movements then most of these problems will soon fade away.. Not just Bts Rm shouting " every one is beautiful, it's just that we r living in a judgemental society." Is gonna be enough. We need more people like him to give awareness regarding this situation. Many teen girls suffered depression from body shaming. We need to talk regarding this issue to a more serious way so that every voice can be heard in all around the corners of the world. We need more men and women like him. So pls stand up n make a voice regarding this issue. I don't want lots of people to suffer like me.
I have written this as I couldn't hold it any longer to myself . As my mind is gonna blast soon ...
For me,I will let this go. But my dear readers before u give feedback regarding something else to other people, do not hurt them by using offending words. Remember cyber bullying is a huge crime. Pls do not write or give any comments even if u don't like that person, instead of hurting them. Just keep your opinions to yourself n just ignore them. Pls do not let the 2nd person suffer. U don't know how they r going through after a few bad words from yours.
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If ur gonna give me bad comments pls don't give me any comments... It's better to not write one instead of writing one which could hurt other people. But if u really love me and give me positive feedbacks, I will keep it as a motivational strength for myself. Will really be grateful if u leave me motivating words here.