Absence of a father's love 💔

Part 14. (my 1st love /crush of 11 years and still continuing ... )

The first time that I realised that I felt in love with someone and it was not just a crush only was when I was in my 7th standard. I can't reveal his name due to privacy reasons but many of my friends knew who he was. I saw him the first moment during my 7th class, when I was playing badminton at one of my close friends' house. He was tall ,handsome, had a pale skin n ig he was also playing hide and seek with the Kids. He lives across my Locality near my 3 best friends' locality. Now he stands 6 ft tall n has a good physique but his good looks has faded a little bit compared when he was a kid where his glow up was real... I accepted the fact that i felt in Love with him due to his looks. But now i won't say it's just only for his looks as he is not good looking anymore to be honestly speaking of but as we can say that First love hits different. The feelings of a first love always become special to every people's lives. N For me, it was only him whom i hold a special place in my heart. Even if i gets married in the future i will always love him more than anyone else , even more than my own husband. This isn't about extramarital or adultery feelings. Its about placing a special person close to my heart forever till the day i die. He had not much good qualities if u asked me n even idk why did i still fall in love with him till today. He was a playboy who used to date multiple girls including many classmates from my school. At my 7th class it might be hard to believe me, but I was also bit popular among boys as people said I was very cute n attractive
(not anymore my conditions got worse now because of my current situation n yeah i got lot fatter as well) during that time n many guys proposed to me. But i rejected everyone as He was the only guy which I choose in my heart. I was going to propose him in my 8th class but unfortunately my parents warned me not to date anyone n focus only on my studies. So I lost my chance to do it. My parents was the typical strict Indian parents. What they want me is only focus on my studies n nothing else. Even I was denied from taking swimming classes, dancing classes , martial arts thang ta classes which I was really passionate about But they didn't allow me in the name of my studies. There was once a time when I was very passionate about pagaentry also. Still I do. But I gave up that dream long ago when I didn't won the school pagaentry n my dad n mom slutshamed me told me to quit any kind of glamor world n called me slut for trying to enter into the pagaentry world. Ever since that i decided to let go of my 1st dream too. But I would alwyas watch pagaents on tvs fone yt.s n admire the woman who came out bravely n contested n even won titles n crowns. Sometimes I would even imagine myself in a rampwalk inside my room n imagine myself winning The international pagaents haha . However, As I was very weak enough to protest against them. I didn't even protest against them So, I only suppressed every passion of my life even my love as well. Then, I got to know he started dating one of my classmate as his 1st love, I was shocked to hear that. I mean I really do want to be his first love . I want to be kis first kiss but because of my cowardness n family's pressure I couln't even propose to my 1st crush properly n lets him get taken by my school friend. I was really happy for them as that friend was a good person although she didn't have that much looks type but she had a good heart so ik she won't treat him as a trash. I congratulated her but deep inside I was crying as ik I felt like a loser back then. I remember i went inside the school toilet after i heard that dating news n when no one was around in the toilet I cried to my heart out as i felt he was cheating on me although it was my own fault.. Then , i came to heard various news about him which i never expected. He broke up with that friend n started dating another school classmate same batch as ours from different sections. After some months later I heard about their break up as well.. I was like wtf is wrong with me for loving a playboy or fckboy. I also remember the time when my friend told me he started taking pills similar like drugs at his 10 standard, n when i heard this I broke down inside the school toilet all alone as it broke my heart thousand times, as the man whom I loved was doing things which I never expected him to do n being just a one sided crush I couldn't even stop him from doing bad stuff n this made helpless double times at the same .. He was also not a student who was good in his studies. N This is another reason my mom never approved of him when i told that i have feelings for him since the past years..