Absence of a father's love 💔

Part 15 Journey of a failure towards her passion for Law (llb)

On May 3rd 2023, The ethno-conflict crises or war like situation started between the two communities of Manipur the Kukis and Meiteis community. (I belong to the Meitei community) . The reasons are of several such as historical, political, cultural, geological, issues. One knows now that it was a pre planned war from the Burmese illegal migrants Kukis community (not the indegenous kukis community) in order to grasp the terrirtory of Manipur mainly, Churchandpur and kangpokpi district. But the main reason was diverted as Sts demand by Meiteis as Meiteis has started losing their race n land due to the over influx of population of the migrants and as we couldn't buy land in hills n buy the land back from them in the valley due to the St Amendment act, our people had started demanding to get back our own rights. Also in such reasons include Narco terrorists n foreign insurgants issues as well by their cookies community which was going to ravish the state soon. However, their party claimed as if our people r going to snatch away their rights n land so They held a protest on this day with arms n military weapons on going the protests. They started burning down The houses of meiteis in the churchandpur distrcit (now proclaimed as lamka by them) whi were living as minorities in their areas of hills. Hence, after seeing so much damage from that place, the meiteis also started reciprocating their actions by burning down houses of kukis residing at valley. First it looked like a communal war. ANd they were horrible killings, murdering , rape , gang rape, homicides , butchering of many innocent civilians. Both sides had village volunteers and mothers /torch bearers women community (maira paibis) had to protect their land of both sides and to take part in the war as well. Para military forces were send in the hills and valleys. However, as it was the play of the kryptocracy by the center on our small state, they ended up taking their side n protect them n started harming n killing our own race.. Many of the victims are living at relief camps of both sides till now. Many widows ,children lost their family members in the war. Many rich families of the kukis fled in other states like delhi,bengalore, guwahati,mizoram ,kolkata,etc and other countries and settled there and started spreading false rumors about our community. it has been 1 year since the violence had happened. Now im writing on july 2nd 2024. ANd there is still no room for negotiations or peace talk. The center is still playing our lives and is giving no solution for peace and normalcy. The leaders are also in this play in ruining many innocnet civilians lives both the center n state level leaders. Only a few meaningful leaders like Oja Bimol.Akoijam and some powerful speakers like Oja  Bhagat ,Oja malem, are raising their voice for our people. yes we r still in dilemma for the hope of bringing peace in our state till today yet we are not giving up and are placing our faith on god to be the peace loving manipur once again.

The reason I am telling about the ethno- conflict war in the beginning is because my llb journey is mostly associated with it. It was during my last sem. exams that the war had happened. I had hard time mentally in preparing for my exam especially after seeing many loss of lives, land, properties, people ,temples, hills, etc. Then news of murders, rape, killings, butchering were already surfacing on the internet which already traumatised my mind. But suppressing all my emotions emotionally, I did gave my exams at my best and yeah I did get decent marks in my graduation(ig). But the real struggle begins from here. 

I gave my Cuet pg llb (Du llb) exams with only 1 month preparation on june during the the time of violence. Unfortunately I didn't get in. I expected I would at least get selected in the 3rd round , but fate didn't allow me to be selected and was telling me to learn from my mistakes and pain of failure.

I did get selected for master courses in good universities like du n ambedkar at delhi itself but since my passion for llb was much more I even sacrificed any selection course which was not related with law.
The third round got released n I didn't get selected till the end.
Even in the spot rounds n mop up round my name was not there. Ig god wanted me to face more failures in order to learn the harsh way of life instead of getting things easily with even hard work.. My bipolar disorder ,anxiety attack, depression,mental stress, worsen. I didn't sleep for days . I spent my days crying helplessly. I hurt myself. I cut my left arm with a blade as I couldn't forgive myself. The pain that I got from that scar was nothing compared to the pain of failure that i was suffering from inside my heart. I tried to commit suicide by hanging myself inside my rooom but someone stopped me from that. I cried for many days and nights. My despair didn't ended . For 21 yrs i persuaded my dad to let me follow my own career. He didn't allow me to study law after my 12th n let me study general line for graduation courses instead. If I had studied at least I would be in my 3rd or 4th yr by now even if i took a gapy yr. This was my biggest regret of my life. Of course it was my whole dad's doing. N now finally when he gave me his approval to study law, I failed my 1st entrance exams. The reason of my failure was mainly because of the syllabus. In Cuet pg llb exms for du there is no inclusion of law section and only comprises of computer,maths,logical reasoning, current affairs n gk n english portion which was quite a stupid syllabus for a law aspirant. But yeah that fcking Nta did it n it left students who r weak in maths n computer sc. like me took the fall. Our family was all disappointed at me. Ik it's because I had a dumb brain and im not that much intelligent or intellectual brainy student. Until now everything what I have achieved is only through my hard work and nothing else. No family background support, no love, no connections, no inherited good brains genes from either my grandmother (ex mla) or my dad (who is a genius although he too by his bad luck is stuck with a low paying job). Only he left me his bad luck genes ig. Then , after seeing my passion for my dream, my father n mother encouraged me to start all over my preparation again for my next exmas. determined to fulfil my dreams by my own, I started my restart journey.