Absence of a father's love 💔

part 6

My biggest dream is to become a Judge (Chief Justice). But i never got any support from my family even until now. In the previous part of my story about choosing humanities, my mom still supports me right. But this time both of them doesn't give their support to me in studying law. They have shattered my wings of freedom. Now i m a flightless bird. Every time i talk with them about studying this field, it would always lead to a heated argument. They would discouraged me. I know this field is a bit nepotistic n bit patriarchal or hereditary. My father's once said to me that if i have to study law ,i must be financially strong for building the chamber which would worth about 1lakh(half a million) for the books, drawing room,etc n must also have famous lawyers or judges' grandparents or great grandparents or Father or mother. I have neither of them on my side. Even my own father is an underrated lawyer. He advised me not to become one because he is afraid that i might be end up ruining like him. But there is not confirmation that i might end up like him. He studied law because it was his last choice. I wanted to study law because it is what my heart desires. Even my mother always tries to discourage me saying i might become lost even if i m a good student n if i study that field. I tried to convince them that i will try my best to make them proud n prove them wrong. But none of them refused to support me n believed me. Everytime i tried to start this conversation, we would end up getting up into a fight. I would always cry. When i heard my other friends talking about their carrier lives n getting support, i would always cry silent ly not knowing what to do. Even my father refuses to give me any advice regarding this field since he is strongly against it. My mother tried to persuade me to study hard to take the civil servant examination i.e., the UPSC exams since now i already have choosen Humanities. They said both will support me if i study hard to take this exams both financially n physically, in everything. But if it is for law they won't provide me any. For days ,months ,yrs, i have only receive discouragement n nothing else. I m trapped inside this suffocating environment. I wish i had got the wings to fly freely even if they took them away. Since i m financially depended to them, i don't have the courage to do anything. I m weak now. I don't have any elders to give me support or advices regarding this field. I only have few friends who supported me. But the same goes for them. Being in the same age group lined, they also don't have the courage to help me even if they want to. The only thing we could do is just share our feelings n cry over it. But i m really thankful to them for just loving me . It feels warm when u have people who really loves u n supported u.

I even remember the night when my drunk father shouted at me when he overheard me about studying law in the future with my mom that i should become a prostitute to earn money for the fees to study law. He was in the stand that he won't give me any support reagarding parental, financial or anything. He said he will remove me from the family list if i study this n throw me out of the house n won't let me enter the house if i m still a disobedient daughter.
It really breaks my heart when a father called his daughter prostitute again n again even though he is not being himself for a while. I cried the whole night of that day as i couldn't bear anymore. I even tried to hurt myself....
I even thought to myself "Did i do something wrong? Is choosing my dream a wrong idea since it doesn't match with my parents liking?
Even my mom said she won't support me financially if i study law since it would take a long time n being a poor family they won't be able to do it. N also since she doesn't want, she also refuses to provide me any money about studying this field. I must be a very bad person in my previous life i know that i have deserved such a cursed fate. I swear i won't hurt anyone so that in my next life i won't suffer like this again. When people asked me what field/ carrier i was going to choose n study,i would always keep silent . Because i don't really know what to answer. I would always tried to divert the question. This is the only question which will really breaks my heart...
When i passed big houses or buildings belonging to judges,senior advocates while going for morning or evening walk or while going to tution or ciaching classes, i would always stare at them thinking to myself, will i own something like this in the future. Will i become a successfull or remain a failure? Regarding this part. I will be honest, i don't care being a successful lawyer or judge or even if i remain a underrated advocate by becoming a failure in my life. I just want to follow my dreams no matter how it is big or small. I will be satisfied while working the job i love rather than regret while working the job i hate. They said if i work really hard to become an IPS (Indian Police Service) officer , i won't regret living my life n also they will fully support me. Yess at one time i did like IPS officer. But it was like one time crush type not what my heart wants. Even if society n other people mocked me for being an unsuccessful lawyer, i would always remain happy because i was able to do the job i have always wanted. I mean i m not living for them. I m living my own life. They don't have the right to judge me. They don't really know me, my pain, everything. Yes i can't make them shut their mouths,but i can ignore them because it's gonna be my choice.
I was really at the verse of giving up my dreams because i see no light coming inaide my world.
But fortunately Bts saved me again.
The day when Bts class 2020 came out, I listened to their speech attentively.
Even i cried my eyes out when i listen to their motivational speech.