Absence of a father's love 💔

Part 12

Its already July and we are having a lockdown in my area. Today another sad incident occurred in my life again. My parents are willing to pay for my elder Brother's MBA courses in a private college with a fees of over some bucks...... even if our family is facing lots of financial crises admist the pandemic . My weak mom is so ready to sacrifice her life just for her son's welfare. Even nowadays i can't ask mom more about my wants after seeing her health getting deteriorated as days passed. I have got anxieties while thinking of her health all this time despite my academics tension. I just asked mom that why do she have to face this double burden at such uncertain times of the pandemic with all these financial issues , why do we have to enroll him to a private institution like we r normal rich family while we barely gets to eat properly at the pandemic. Instead he should study hard n appear the Government college entrance exams to enroll at a Govt. college instead like normal students. Mom further continued that because of the ongoing lockdown ,he can't go to coaching classes physically for the preparation of exams and as he has a weak brain , his life will be ruined if we don't do this sacrifice for him. I was so shocked when i heard all this bullshit. Due to excessive showering of love n support by my parents, really my brother is getting spoiled day by day, especially by my mom. He could have worked hard sincerely and proudly appear the exams with his own hard work, instead of escaping like a coward cat. He only played games and sleeps 24/7 all day n night. He never even studies or takes his online classes seriously but instead wasted all his time. On the other hand, I m bearing all tensions for my college life and plus reading(if i got extra time) for my LLB entrance exams. Being born in a support less family, i have to bear extra burdens than others.

When I requested mom to let me study Law and gave me financial support from her side ,for going to coaching classes for the LLB (Govt. college) entrance exams preparation, she still refused to give me her financial and emotional support. She said she won't give me any money if it is related with studying law but will give me financial support for UPSC(civil services) coaching fees , the career which is not even my dream at all. it's a normal desi family, where the parents choose their children's education/career according to their wishes n also appropriate with their family income lmao. Both Mom n Dad still haven't supported me till now n never believed in me n my dreams. i was always the black sheep of the family according to their perspectives as i wasn't the ideal obedient daughter that the society wants n instead am a rebellion daughter fighting for her wishes. I know dad has already lose his faith on me since the day i had chosen humanities stream. But now, my only support mom also stood against me . When i told them if i failed without taking the coaching for the exams preparation, will they let me get into a private college which is double times the money burden which is gonna imposed to them. But mom was still on the firm stand that she won't provide me anything related with law. Neither for coaching or private college fees( even if she is willing to sacrifice for her son's career). I have never seen so much gender biasness discrimination in my life . They don't believe me as their child as I was a daughter. What kind of parents does this to their own children? Sometimes i thought, i may be not their own child but their adopted child according to the circumstances i have faced in my life. I have never been insulted by another family member ,next to my dad. I have trusted her a lot, I have always thought about her welfare all this time but, now she let me down by showing her true colours. I know dad's the same as always . He is still the worst. He even considered me as a lunatic and told me to give up my studies and should become a whore/slut instead as he saw no success in my life or to end my life soon by myself. I don't give much focus to this as this is quite a normal reaction for me and u guys can say i m used to it. But i never expected this from mom. I was planning not to enroll in a private college as i knew my family's current financial situation n my mom'/s health condition more than others. But seeing my brother's easy academic life infuriated me a lot after what mom have done everything for him all this time. Yet he didn't even made a single gratitude by repaying to her with his sincere hard work. I have faced a lot of struggles in my life since the moment i was born. And all he did was fail, fail, fail and only brought shame in the family. Mom has lost 80% of her everything because of him. And even now, still he is living his lavishing life shamelessly while sucking mom's blood alive. I have never seen such a hideous creature in my life. I even am ashamed to call him my kinship. I haven't forgive him till now after what he have done to us.

Now, i know , I don't have any choice except to have full self study with my own had work only. I can't have anyone to ask for doubts during my studies. this thing did hurt me a bit as i have no one to rely on . I don't know why life is so unfair for me. Since childhood, I haven't got much father's love as I only suffered mostly from his abusive alcoholic behaviour. Nor did i received any cousins, family 's love that has made my lonely childhood. Since, adolescence, I haven't got any parental support in my academic work till now n still would be continuing. I felt in love with some celebrity who could never be mine no matter how much i work hard. I can't even rely on my man when i m having my hard time as he is not mine in reality except in my imaginary world and this pains me the most. Loving someone too much more than yourself, even though he won't be yours forever still hurts me the most too. I have no one to rely upon my life for support , except my few real friends who gave me emotional support all the time , including mostly Katis Exo.Ls members .

I don't know if I don't succeed in my exams at this rate. Neither do i have any one for financial support. I can't even work outside by myself as there is an ongoing lockdown curfew for the pandemic (at North east India, Manipur). Nor do I have any Plan B . I can't even pursue my dreams freely . I will suffer a lot in my life as I was fated to suffer a lot. But I promise that if I have a child with Tamocha (dear in Manipuri) Chanyeol in the future, I swear, I will give him/her all the support she/he needs. I just don't want my child to suffer like me. It's completely inhumane torture. tears can't stop streaming from my eyes while I m writing all this stuff. I have always wanted to become a good lawyer who gives justice to lots of victims and also a lawyer who does social work too. I have always wanted to help the poor, needy, the disadvantaged, the marginalized people, etc. Being born in a middle middle class family, I know what is being poor. I have prayed to god daily for the health of the people. I don't why things keep on happening like this. I guess fate is not by my side as i might not able to get my dreams in reality no matter how i tried. I don't have much faith on myself anymore from now onwards. Life do goes on, but not for me. Bad luck Malvica. Dear readers, please don't get shocked if I passed away on any random day as all this circumstances is already making my limits reached. Yes, i will try my best to carry on with my life. But god knows what behold in the future. Stay healthy guys, wear mask properly, wash yr hands with soap frequently. take care of yourselves.

thank u for reading my boring story all this time. This is the only platform that i can share my dark past freely as I trust u guys. i received criticisms for dis shaming my family But guys, u won't know how much i have gone a lot through all this time by myself. The pain is getting more n more instead of getting less and sharing here makes me feel a little less burdened. Being an extrovert, i tend to socialize with my readers more than anyone else. But don't be judgemental towards others. be kind instead. everyone has emotions as we all r human beings. no one knows what he or she is going through until n unless he/ she had expressed her felling openly like me. But not anyone is the same like me. I tend to be straightforward n direct towards others as i m a straightforward person. yes it might hurt few people, but i don't like lying mostly. U have to accept the fact no matter what as it's already a fact.

I make dance cover videos while wearing many outfits, n most people in my social media see me as a happy girl enjoying her teen life, growing up in a well off family. But only my wattpad readers knew who the real me. I just put on a happy mask as i don't wanna show my pain to the judgemental ones. there is a saying that " the one who smiles the most is the saddest one'' . Most of us including me r wearing a happy face mask in order to face this cruel world confidently. But As life is still going on, we need to move forward no matter how hard the situation becomes. Let's be kind. no one knows who will leave the world sooner or later at this time. Let's try to be happy together. Dear readers, If u r think u r the only one who is struggling in this world, don't worry I m beside u. Let's run this painful journey together. we might come across good roads too sometimes. I hope i m inspiring u guys too. I will also try my best in my life, N u all, my dear lovely readers should also try yr best too. XOXO. Love u all...

To be contd....

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