Absence of a father's love 💔

Part 3

I remember the time when my dad would switch off the lights 💡at late 🌃night when I was studying for 10 exams when he was drunk saying that I don't need to study as I m gonna fail the exams and also he just can't fall asleep with the lights on and also when he ate his dinner at midnight and wanted no one to be there near him. And also during my 12th exams also he would switch off lights in the bedroom when I was studying on bed (as it was too cold to study at the chamber room and we had only small rooms too) and he would complain that he can't fall asleep due to the flickering lights. I mean, I know that it can't get him to sleep but at least as a parent he should be supportive on his daughter's dreams or studies and at least bear with it until the exams were over. He just had to had a little patience nothing else. But he refused to give me that patience towards me. Sometimes I even thought that whether he is my real biological father or someone else...
My life of 12 standard begins here...
It was the day just after my last exms of 11 standard. I talked with my mom about going for my tutions for most of my subjects. She agreed to my idea. Then I requested my father to drove me to the tuition place the next morning at 4:30am. He said he won't do that cuz he was opposed to my idea of going tutions. He told me to do whatever I want. To go anywhere or get lost. He also was lazy and didn't want to get up early in the morning just for my tutions. I didn't say anything after that.
The next morning, I woke up at 4:00 am by myself with my alarm. Then I called chingkhei my best frn. She n I had earlier planned to go to our tuition places at our cycle. She didn't have cycle of her own. She borrowed one from my cousin brother which I have requested them. We just don't ourselves to be dependent to our parents or elders. It's the least we can do. Our tuition places were luckily not so far from our residences.
It was chilly in the morning as it was the 1st of March. We went to 2 tutions in the morning. 1 for history n 1 for sociology.
It was darker than we thought. Both of us were scared at first. But ,We gathered up the courage to drive safely. My anger towards my father boiled me to even forget about my fears.
In the evening. We also went to tution in the evening also for pol. Science and eco.That was lucky as my father agreed to drive me there since it was noon. But sometimes he would complain to me about the petrol and traffic that all they were doing was because of me. I never answered back. Cuz I know gud times will surely come. I just had to struggle first. No reward comes without hard work right.
We were also physically n mentally exhausted from all of our tutions. But none of us complained n enjoyed our moments which we shared together. As a student u should always move forward no matter what obstacles block u.
Then one day after a month passed a bad thing happened. My uncle refused to lend me his son's cycle which we had drive for going tutions. Whatever the reason is I was grateful grateful for the time that they had helped us even a little. Then I was dumbstruck. My father was still in the stand that he won't drive me to tutions early in the morning. Then we come up with the solution. Chingkhei's father agreed to drive us early as they always wake up early in the morning as they were running a hotel. And my father would picked us after our lessons were finished at 7 O clock.
Then the time for paying our tutions fees came. I was in a trance. My mom was having some money problems so she didn't have enough money. For my father. It goes the same. He still wasn't paying. I saved some money from my pocket money from last year and also I got some from our relatives during the Holi /yaoshang season(nakadeng, which is like Halloween for us except we got money though ,instead of candies). So I gave some money for both my 2 tutions history n sociology.
I told my histry teacher sincerely about this situation. She first refused to accept the money at first when she heard me. But I insisted as it was her fee for teaching me. She then told me sincerely this words. I even remember this even today. I would always cry when I remember her loving words to me.. '' malvica, I know u r a strong n courageous daughter. Your father might not have known this. But he is blessed with a wonderful daughter like u. Your kind,considerate,hard working child.You will succeed in your life for sure. Mark my words and also I knew that in the future u will treat your child up to the best and will never harm her like your father did to u. Believe me. "
When I heard her, I almost cried but I kept my tears to myself. But inside I was totally broke down when I heard my teacher caring so much for me.
After some months passed.
Suddenly my father again complain about the traffic at noon and that it was very hard to drove me to my pol sc. Tution. Then I have had enough. I started going upto 2km from my home every day to get an Auto rickshaw to the tution place. I had to take 2 tutions for that. My mom was unable to drive me cuz she runs her cosmetic shop. I don't wanna cause any problems to anyone. So I tried to rely on myself. I sometimes come back with chingkhei n Florence at home by getting an auto from the bazaar(market) together.
I know it's not a big deal that I m saying stuff like this. But there r many people who r in shelter from their parents or should I say overprotective. Life is like a race. U came alone. U will go alone. So u should try to stand up by yourself. U should try to survive at many critical situations. If the situation becomes dangerous,it's ok to take help from your dear ones. But at least try.
At first when I go to get an auto yes I was scared. Being a girl going alone. I even came across a lot of perverts who might took advantage of me. But now I overcome all of them. And also always carry self defense weapons especially for us women. We never know what the future is ahead of us.
Then there was lot of time my father would get drunk n refused to even collect me back at home. So I often would tag along at my bestie's vehicle. I also becomes ashamed that if this becomes a family. I don't wanna be a burden on someone else's business just because of my alcoholic father's irresponsiblity.
Chingkhei n I struggled the most together in many similar ways.

Then also there was another incident that I almost got into accident when my father was drunk driving after we were coming back home from my economics tuition. That day was very horrible. A truck almost hit us. I cried and was very scared. I then called my other cousin brother to pick me up from that place as I ,no longer trusted my father's driving.

Every time my father got drunk n torture us. I would always cry and locked up myself in my room n would write down all the incidents and pain in my diary. It just makes me feel a little better. I even finished almost 3,4 diaries while writing about my conditions. Just imagine if 3,4 dairies have finished with it my hard times. That how much I was going through my whole childhood n youth. There were also my times that I didn't write down as I was badly depressed.
I would also called my dear ones when I needed the most at my hard time. They include leisna, chingkhei(ALU),florence,emilia,Che teena(my senior colleague),che daina ( a senior student) ,and some of my close friends,etc. I would burst into tears and let all my emotions go during our conversation. They would always encourage me to stay strong with their encouraging me. With their loving words and care towards,today I m happy as myself. Who knows I would have ended my life if I had no one else there to rely upon my hard times. I sincerely thank them all.
When I started writing this autobiography ,I had thought many times whether I should expose my private dark life or not? What would people say to me, a daughter exposing one's father's name in not a good way. I myself even don't want to expose our private relationship. I still luv him a lil even though he hurt me a lot. The fact that he is still gonna be my father will remain unchanged. I can't exchange him for other kind father like a broken toy for a new toy. Life is not a joke. But this is going out of my hand. I have suffered many times. I have had enough. My patience level has numbered at last. I want to let the people around me know that I wrote this as an inspiration that no matter how bad or how good your condition is right now. There r many people like me struggling or suffering in silence. For the those people who r also suffering yet in a different way whether in poverty or mental stress, ur not alone. I m here too. Together we can make our future bright by encouraging n supporting ourselves. We also can make our future bright by moving forward no matter how much failures or obstacles blocked us. Only losers wine remember. And also failures r the pillars of success.
For the well off people message..
Life is not all so good as u imagine. There r many people who r like me in similar perpitual state. You should learn to help other people. Instead of enjoying by yourself. Great satisfaction comes from sharing with people. If u r born as a person learn to help people first. U should always remember u do not live alone. Man cannot live alone. He needs a society to live in. We r in a society. Even Mac Weber stated that Society is a web of social relationships. Sometimes your own happiness can often harm other people who are deprived from any opportunities. So there is no harm in sharing. It only creates happiness.
While I was writing this, I cried a lot. No matter who much I tried to conceal my past. It just got out sudden like the blister of winds . Having no support is the worst of a person, u can't ever imagine in your life. I tried to make myself happy with a fake smile on my face. But yet there r many moments that I have happily shared with my close friends. My only ray of sunshine ☀️ is only my mom. Nothing else. Who will be even there for me even if I got infected with covid 19. Instead of practicing social distancing with me. Love ❤️😘 u sm mom. Ur the best.And happy advance mother's day to everyone.
Thank u..
The next part will be a request made by a daughter to an alcoholic unsupportive father.