Absence of a father's love 💔

part 7

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On 13th july,we got our results of our board exams. I was really nervous on that day. I didn't eat properly on that day because of the tension n stress. They said they were gonna release it at about 2 o clock but the cyber got crashh as there was lot of students who were also looking for their results. I waited n waited n waited for my result. I even went to the cyber cafe but they also said the same ans which is crash of cyber. Then at 5 o clock i receive a whtsapp text from my class teacher on our class whtsapp group. She had forwarded us all our results which was send from the school's side. I then searched for my roll no. When i saw my result. I got really shocked. I didn't expect a lot but i do expect some . I got only 89% . Yes i did got latter marks in all the subjects. But i was really traumatized by the result. Most of my colleagues got more than 90. I m not jealous of them since they also deserve it. They also really worked hard in their own ways. But i was really disappointed. Many people said i was disappointed because i didn't get more than 90% or something. But guys let me tell u the truth today whyyy. I want to make my father proud of me.. ok unlike u guys i have an alcoholic unsupportive father. I have told u all about my sufferings in the past events. This time i promised myself that i will prove to him that i can do well in humanities. But now failed to do it. On that day i fainted . I was unconscious . While many of my friends celebrated their success, i was torturing myself. I tried to hurt myself. I tried to commit suicide again. All my hard work among all this time went down in hell . All my efforts were wasted to nothing.If i didn't studied earlier, i won't mind having got less marks. But i m not like u guys. U live in your parents comfort zone. I live in hell. Do u know how much it hurts when your own father doesn't treat u like a real daughter. We r not the same bro. I heard many people mocked me as i got lower marks. Some people were actually happy with this i know. Ok celebrate. I lose happy now. Even my own father didn't say much on that day. He even mocked me when i got in the 9th position . I m not gonna dream anymore i swear. This is a nightmare for me. God u have cut my wings to fly. I will lie here at the ground as u have always wanted. U can always see me suffering here. Yes i m a selfish person. I accept this fact. So i have to suffer more n more. Even some teachers stopped contacting me as they were disappointed at me. They expected a lot from me n since i failed at the last moment. They have given up hope on me. I m sorry teachers i disappointed u like this. I m not a good student. Baba i m sorry that u have a bad daughter like me. Even if i work hard there is no good result for me. But i did try my best n that's it. I cried a lot while writing this. I didn't talk properly about 3,4 days after my result day. Yeah some of my relatives, friends congratulated me. Thank u for that. Luck was not there for me this time. But on this day i learn from many of my friends who got lesser marks( i don't mean to say bad things here, i will only say the facts that i had encountered on that day), {out of bad luck or something like being sick near their exams,etc} that our real efforts will never be seen or appreciated. People from our society will only talk shit from our results without knowing the whole story. I also join them n together we celebrated our sad day.
And also one really sad thing happened to me on that day. One of my teacher told me that i got less marks because my handwriting was bad. It was like adding oil to the fire. I mean does she have to tell me that at such a time.
Winners r few while losers r many. But u know what not all losers want to be losers all the time. They also wanted to win. They also tried their best. But not everything goes on our way. Everyone wants success but not everyone gets success. Except they will get pain the most. Because this is the real nature of life. N we have to face it. There is even a saying that we cannot see a rainbow if there is no rain.
Some of my readers might wanna ask me why i m so obsessed with marks. It is because dear, India is a country where marks will determine your position n admission in colleges also,your identity n not your skills n talents. My main concern was about my enrollment in a good college.Certificates will identity u n not by your own skills. That's the main reason that i hate my own country. This is also one of the main reason that India is a developing country n not a develoled country.
Some of my close friends consoled me on that day. I even suffered depression again on that day. If this isn't the time for corona, i would have attended counselling classes. I then started watching many of failures stories who got successful through their hard work n dedication like Jack ma, Jk Rowling,Bts,Bill gates,Naruto,mamamoo Hwasa,etc. Their stories inspired me again to move on . Yes i still have trauma sometimes when i remember this event. But i m still trying my best to conquer over my fair. There r few real friends who really cared n supported me when i needed them the most. Who really accepted me for who im even if i m a failure. Always remember not all wants to hear the stories of failure. Most of the. Will only want to hear the stories of successful person. But for me i m willing to hear every part of your story whether it is a failure one or not. Because i know your pain n m willing to give u support from my side .
N i will tell u all something from my side. Not all winners in high school or college will become successful person. I m saying this as a fact. There r many jobless topper in my area. I m not mocking them again. I m just stating the truth . But there r many failures who become successful person in their lives having good jobs of their own n settled happily througj the rest of their lives. I m saying this because i saw some of my collegeues being proud n showing off in front of others for getting high marks. Sis this is not the end remember. No one knows what the future holds u. Don't be such a drama queen. My eyes r stinging when i saw some of their behavior really. Hah. Let's meet at the end n see. It's more fair in that way duh..
The thing i have always loathe in my society is discouragement n mocking towards others. If someone tries to do something they will be mocked out of nowhere. If u tried something n failed even at first attempt, u will be discouraged by your own fam. Or by the society itself. I have always been discouraged so i know how it feels. But since i m used to it. I don't mind. But there r some people who actually take this seriously n got into anxiety n tensions which often leads to depression. This is not really good. Everyone has their strength n weakness . Every person is different. We should all understand this. Even if u love potatoes doesn't mean that i will love potatoes also.(for me i love potatoes btw). Well there might be some similarity. But not all of us r same right. We r not shadow clones like that of Naruto. N also comparison is the worst thing which is always common in our society. Always comparing us with the winners or some successful people. Then i m gonna start asking them this. If my neighbor starts taking drug injection should i also follow his lead. That is a big question. I wish this would be stopped at once for all. I have always appeared with a bright smile on my face on the outside. But deep down i m really dying inside. Sometimes i wanna end up myself n reborn once again. I m trying my best to keep this smile until the end.
For me i really inspired people who have emerged from failures to success n not the people who have come from success to success. Do u know what i mean? As i m a failure myself , i want to learn from them as we have the same stories. So i love reading their stories a lot. N not some fucking nepotistic bitches n assholes. Sorry i used bad word. So what.
Not all people r born genius. Most of us r imperfect n imperfect is not bad cuz it's normal bro. In fact imperfection is good.
Because it makes us beautiful in our own ways.
I wish our education system would change a little bit which focus more on our skills n talents n not by marks only. U can get marks by cheating or by many unfair ways. Nobody knows about it. But u can't hide talents. I heard a new education policy 2020 is made in India. But Our govt . is slow at implementation which is the main problem. I think it might finally happen at my children's time. Who knows because of the slow process. But still little change is good though .
I m writing this guys to relieve the stress which was kept inside my head. I dont know why but writing makes me less stressfull n more confident. I also don't mind sharing with u guys. Cuz i trust most of u. I know a few would talk shit beihind my back. But i don't really care cuz i don't give a fuck to them.
Anyway u can give me comments in the comment section . Any motivating words is always welcome n unwanted comments will be blocked. I will be updating this story only when i get emotional or sad....
Thank u for reading n supporting me all this time. I love u all sm. Byeee for now.
To be continued...