Absence of a father's love 💔

part 4

Today I decided to talk to my father. He was still drunk though. But i thought i have to do this. I have to tell him..
Then i approach to him and finally said " Baba, don't u love me anymore. If u really love me. Pls stop drinking. It's not good for u. Baba is above 60 yrs. So it will ruin your health even more. We are still kids. We r not even yet adults. We r a poor family. We can't even afford to built our own house too. We r just living under uncle's house in this cracked up space rooms. If u r gonna continue drinking, then who will respect our family. If u die suddenly then who will take care of us. Who will make us become a person in our lives? Who will built our house? Who r we gonna depend on? Baba ur the head of our family, it is your responsibility to look after us. Yet ur only ruining yourself. The past is in the past. U should let it go. Let's think about the present, our future. Pls stop drinking i beg of u. I said this because i care about u Baba.. " i just burst down in tears after saying that. I knew it won't be effective while he was drinking. But i just couldn't hold it any longer.
He then shouted on me saying " Shut up daughter of a b*****. Just get the hell out of here. Mind your own business." I know its common to say things like that from him as it's like my daily routine. So i don't feel hurt anymore. Really. I just gave up and went into my study room n cried again...
The next day..
I went to him when he was normal and told him again ... But he just ignored me n went to do his own work.. after that incident, i decided not to say anything to him and leave him alone in his life. Even my mom told me that it was already hopeless. She had tried talking about the whole time. But society would look us ,his family ,that we are not making him stop from his drinking habits. Even my relatives complain to us for not saying anything to him. They just don't know what is actually happening here in this chaos situation though.

Even near my 12th standard (highschool last year ) exams, i ,even got into a major fight with my dad because of his drinking behavior. I even didn't put his signature on my board exams admit card as i was soo angry and was even close to put my father's name with late(dead). I had already considered him dead. He didn't even considered me as his daughter. My rage was burning during that time. My limits has been crossed. I couldn't hold my anger. It was then my mom stopped me from putting that.at firat she consoled me to calm down at first. But me being a stubborn child i refused. It was then She told me where would the death certificate come from? I was speechless. Then i just let her put her signature at the parents signature place. At first she refused as i have a living father right here, what would aociety think of me when people saw this. But my mom was responsible for my everything, from my birth,taking care of me,feeding me,looking after me,being my financial support,until now. I don't give a damn shit to this stupid patriachy(male dominated) society. In my world, it would be matriarchy (female dominated). So I let her put her own signature....

I remember once telling my mom to get a divorce on domestic violence as the torture he was giving to us was getting worse. I even suggested we could live at our granny's place. But she said she won't. She told me that she had once thought about that earlier long ago as she couldn't hold it anymore. But she said if they get a divorce, then me and my brother will never be able to have a proper place called home and also won't be able to receive the love from a parents even when they were still alive. She further stated that there would be no peace from all the cases regarding the custody of us siblings. And also since he already knew the law completely,he will try many means or tricks to get back us even though he will not treat us well. She said she had enjoyed enough in her pre marital life from her rich parents. And it will be only for moments that we will suffer like this , he will just stop when he wants too. Even though the same habit woukd be recurring again though. This part is true. My father has a special quality, if he wants to stop drinking, he would stop drinking for even 6 months straight. But if he starts drinking he would get addicted to it even about 3 months. We would always hope to wait for the time when he would stop to do so... from that day i knew my mom wasn't weak but was fighting for all of us ,for the sake of our happiness while sacrificing her own life. We even cried together that day. It was really hard to recall back these memories back. Yet i gather up the courage to do soo...

I know my mom has suffered enough. I remember when she was sick and my drunk dad after coming home,would force her to get up at late night to cook for him even at her weak state. But still she would get up n took pain killers and force fully do the work so that he won't get angry at us. Now all the sideeffects from the medicines came as she is getting older. All her body is not working out properly. She is getting weaker day by day. I feel like i m in a broken state when i saw her weak body. I even got dark thoughts whethwr she would go along with my journey for how much long. And also I m in no condition to support her even financially as i m very young. I m a weak daughter i know. I m sorry mom. But i promise u mom when i become an independent person i will make u happy and take care of u. U don't deserve all this hardships by yourself. Until then, pls hang in there and pls don't leave me without saying anything. (i broke down when i write this. It just breaks my heart😢.)
There was also a time My dad would even scold my mom when he was drunk for selling cosmetics at evening time. Even my society, my relatives would mock my mom for selling goods.
I mean what the hell is wrong with this f***ing society. She is the breadearner of our family. She earns to feed us. My dad being an undereatted lawyer he can't fully support our whole family. Hence mom had to help him from her side. I just wanna slap those people seriously at that time but i was too young n weak to do soo.. i even heard calling my mom names.... It was then i decided i would prove those losers out there when i become older....for now i had to stay quiet..
Many of my fatherless friends would scold me that what i said is rude and i knew nothing and also i m lucky to have him in my present life. Even my elders said it was just natural for a father to scold their children.
But this type of scolding include violence and My limit of enduring all this is starting to fade. Since they r not the ones who feels this pain ,they really don't know the feelings. When i heard that many of my father less frns telling me about having a sweet father when they were alive with them. I even wished I could switch places with them. God is also unfair. He took the good ones in his place and keep bad ones here to make us suffer.
I tried my best to cover my pain inside with a smile on my face in the outside n to the world. Most of the people know me as a cheerful person. N only close frns of mine only know the hidden story buried deep down inside me. "Every person has a different story kept deep inside their smile". Always know this before pre judging someone because of their appearances or something. U wouldn't never know the real thing unless u find out about him/her.
I tried to distract myself from this surrounding by spending my time with my friends and enjoy the moment even though it would only lasted few moments. For me the few moments would be my memories engraved in my life story... .
To be continued...
The next part would be about my lonely childhood,mostly related with cousin stuffs ...
Btw there is a lot of typing mistakes because i type too fast and also m too lazy to rectify my mistakes. Forgive me for this lol.
Rip to Bollywood actor SushantSinghRajput. 💔 Depression is no joke. No one knows his/her pain unless u experience it. Being an ex- victim of it, i knew how he must be feeling. I wish most people have better awareness about it rather than talking shit about this serious illness.
Guys the reason i have been off for a while is because my posponded exams are gonna be held soon in july. But today i just got the sudden feeling of writing down.. anyway, i will be taking break for some time. I hope u guys will be wait for me patiently. I will be trying my best shot although i m having lot of stress and tensions. I will come back as soon as my exms got over. Thanks a lot for supporting me until now. Pls give me warm wishes too about my exams .. stay home,stay safe during the pandemic. I love ♥️ u all. Bye tc..