Catching Fireflies

Twenty Four

A

I held her while she cried. I listen to her quiet whispers and mumbled words. She held onto me so tightly as If I were the last thing she had left. I held her body in my arms as it trembled and grabbed desperately for air. Liam stood off to the side and watched as he felt like there was nothing he could do to help her. I caught a glimpse of him off to the side deep in thought. I wondered how this affected him too, to watch his little sister be so easily broken and shattered.

"She used to be so different," Liam told me once she had fallen asleep. His hair was a mess and had a worried look on his face at all times as he watched Cris sleep. I never moved away from her. "She used to be so much happier." 

I'm right here, Princess. I always will be.

"This hurts us," Liam murmured. "Our parents may not know why, but they see it. The bags under her eyes, the absence of her smile." Liam chuckled to himself. "She used to smile so much." 

"Where did it go?" Liam looked at me. "Why doesn't she smile anymore?" 

"She hasn't told you?" Liam ran a hand through his hair again. He looked at Cris's peaceful face, her eyes closed and breathing ever so softly. "It's not my place to tell you."

I sighed. "I should've seen that coming." I pitty laughed for myself. 

"It has nothing to with you." Liam sat down on the other bed and rested his elbows on his knees. 

I shifted my arm slowly as I lost feeling in it. Cris stirred. "Then why do I feel like it does?"

"In a way, yes you have a part in the story, but you aren't the reason she's not who she used to be." Liam got up from the bed and walked over to what looked like Cris's travel bag. He dug through it and took out what looked like a black sweatshirt. He then walked back over and placed the sweatshirt between Cris's arms and we watched as her arms slowly moved it closer to her body.

Upon closer inspection, the sweatshirt was mine.

"She has been sleeping with it since you've given it to her." Liam laughed and carefully ruffled her hair. "I don't get why, but it's apparent that it helps her sleep better."

"Did she tell you that or?"

"I don't hear her walking around late at night as much." Liam laid down on the other bed. "Every night I check on her to make sure she hasn't hurt herself. At first, I was terrified of what I might walk into whenever I would open her bedroom door." 

Something about that sentence sent a shiver down my spine. Was he so worried about her that he questions if she was planning to kill herself? Did her pain run so far that her brother worried that one night she might take matters into her own hands?

I look down at her sleeping face. I listened to her breath and watched her body rise and fall. How such a peaceful being held so much suffering when she was awake and aware. I wondered what kept her up at night, and why it was hard for her to slip into a state where she didn't know anything but her dreams.

But then, maybe she held pain then too. Maybe she was scared to sleep in fear of what her dreams would behold to her. I wondered if maybe she preferred being awake and in pain then to live through worse scenarios of her mind in the peace of sleep.

She preferred being awake in her thoughts. 

That alone was scary.

"I walked in one night, the first time I noticed the sweatshirt." Liam smiled. "She held it so close to her body as if someone might come in and take it from her." 

I looked and saw how she held it in her arms.

"I've seen a lot of things while I watched her and made sure she was okay. I've crossed certain lines and invaded some privacy to an extent, but there's one thing I have stayed away from, and that is her sketchbook." I remember seeing her carry it with her a lot before and after everything changed.  "She always draws things correlating with her feelings. God knows what's along with those pages now." 

"I don't think she's ever shown me anything she's drawn."

"She's amazing. She could see a view of scenery once and somehow recreate it from memory with a twist of fantasy. She drew me a portrait once for our birthday. I still have it hanging up in my room."

I was in awe of this girl.

"She never leaves the book open anymore. She doesn't draw for anyone, and doesn't show anyone a single piece she's done ever since she-" Liam stopped himself and sighed. "A lot of things changed. She wants to fix it all but she can only do so much."

"She's only one person with one heart," I said as I brushed strands of her hair away from her tear-stained face. She cried so much that she tired herself out. 

I'm right here, I wanted to tell her again. I was right there and I was never going to leave. I wanted to be around every second that I could in fear that something might scare her. I still didn't understand why being alone in that closet with Isaac freaked her out so much, but I wanted her to know that regardless, I was here and I wasn't going to look down on her as a burden.

I wasn't going to be like her friends and walk out on her when she needed them most. 

I pulled her in closer to me and I closed my eyes. I found her hand with mine and intertwined our fingers and caressed the side of her hand with my thumb lightly. I pressed my lips against her head once more and whispered,

"I will scare away your nightmares."