Catching Fireflies

Thirteen

C

It had been a few days since Ashley spent the night with me in my fort. School days went by slower, and Ashley never showed up to fourth period in the office. Anytime I walked in and he wasn't there or he never showed, I always frowned and felt rather disappointed. The secretary always scoffed as she wrote in his absence.

I supposed it was his turn to avoid me. I didn't blame him though, I couldn't. I'd spent a lot of time hurting him, and I probably hurt him more by still staying hidden behind my unspoken thoughts and things that needed to be told.

But I was a coward. I was scared to come out and say it. As I took more time to dwell on it, I wasn't afraid of what the truth was. I was afraid of what the truth would bring. I was afraid of the conflict and the deceit and having to face it. I was afraid more of the things that the truth would destroy than what the truth actually was.

Because I was certain that I was right about what the truth was.

I'm just scared of everything falling apart while I try to fix it.

I was in fourth period by myself. Ashley had ditched again, off to god knows where. I just hid in my corner per usual and drew in my sketchbook to pass the time until lunch. I didn't know why Ashley was avoiding me. I figured it was because of the conversation he overheard and the fact that I ignored it instead of telling him about it like I said I would. It was a cowardly move on my part, but I couldn't stop my heart from beating in my ears and it sent me into overdrive.

I was also afraid of what he might think once he finds out.

There was so much I was afraid of, and all of it connected to one whole decision. It shouldn't have been a decision, it shouldn't have been optional, but I made it an option that I didn't have to take. My friends made it an option that didn't exist. But it was something I should've done in the beginning. Something that was mandatory. I had to tell him.

But the hesitation was still there.

If i had actually stood face to face with Ashley while I understood the fact that this was something that needed to be shared, I wouldn't have been able to actually do it. As for why, it was because of the humiliation I had felt. I didn't want to receive the pity from it, nor did I want to relive that short remembered moment over again while retelling it.

I've already had to do it enough.

I still wasn't ready to tell Ashley, and I didn't know if I ever would be. He once told me that I don't have to tell him, but I could tell that the more things that he noticed and resurfaced, the more he had begun to take back those words. He was growing anxious by the day. It would have been different if everyday school life wasn't affected by it.

I couldn't handle being lost in thought any longer than I already had been, so I stretched my neck out by looking around the room. The secretary was hard at work on her computer, working on some sort of poster thing to be printed out and put up all around the school. I decided that my legs needed stretching too so I got up from my desk in the corner and walked over to the secretary's desk, snuck behind it, and peered over her shoulder to see what she was working on.

"You're a bit nosy," She said to me as she looked at me over her shoulder. I flashed an innocent smile as I bent lower to the screen to get a close look.

"I can't help being curious." I said and she playfully rolled her eyes.

"It's just the announcement posters for this year's fall camping trip."

Every year, the school holds a large camping trip for any student who wants to go. It's one full week of going out of town in the middle of nowhere with campfires and cabins. Majority of the people who do go are in sports and the others who don't go are considered boring. There is also a small lake nearby the place where I liked to sneak off to and enjoy the scenery on my own when I didn't want to participate in a game of risky truth or dare by the campfire.