Catching Fireflies

Six

C

The next day I had the girls over. Faith was laying on my bed and scrolling through her phone and Maria flipped through my sketches that sat openly on my desk. I sat on my floor and traced my finger through the dust that made me think that sweeping my floor should be something I should get on too pretty soon.

"These are a lot darker, are you okay?" Maria looked up from my sketches and asked me. I simply shrugged my shoulders because I had no clear answer to give her. I didn't know if I was okay. I was just fine.

"They are just some ideas I came up with. Nothing personal." I said but Maria knew me and so did Faith. They both sat up from where they were and came closer to where I was on my spot on the floor. I had nothing to tell them. Nothing new that went on in my head at the time. Only the small meaningless moments with Ashley that a part of me didn't want to share.

Part of me wanted to keep them to myself, because if I didn't, they would do anything within their power to keep Ashley away from me. Or me away from him.

They didn't want to see me get hurt again, and I certainly didn't want to either.

But so much of me missed him.

Faith wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "We are here if you need us you know." Faith never pushed on things when I didn't want to speak, but Maria was always adamant on knowing that I was okay, but she knew where her boundaries were.

"Isaac too." Maria chimed in and a small hint of pink appeared on her cheeks as she did. Faith rolled her eyes and I let out a small laugh.

"Even when he isn't here he somehow leaves his charm." Faith pointed her finger into her mouth and imitated a gagging sound.

"Oh please you are not one to talk. What about Jack hmm?" Maria poked at Faith which caused her to fall over and laugh while she held her stomach.

"Jack is merely a friend. Don't get your hopes up."

"Merely," I repeated and Maria wiggled her eyebrows.

"Nice choice of words." Maria said with another nudge to Faith's shoulder.

"Okay now you guys are being ridiculous." Me and Maria stifled our laughs and shook our heads. I was glad for the change in conversation. I wasn't wanting to tell them how I ran off on Ashley the night before when he never meant to do anything wrong.

But feeling his hands on me, brought back feelings I've tried so hard to forget and move on from. Bad memories from the night of the party that ruined everything for me, and good memories of when I wished for Ashley to touch me and embrace me and to look me in the eyes and tell me that he felt the same too.

But that was wishful thinking. That was before he assumedly put his hands on me when I didn't want him too, in places I didn't want him too, but he did anyway and I have to pay the price because of it.

I wish I didn't have too, but then came the thoughts and the theories that it couldn't possibly be him. That things didn't match up and the amount of inconsistencies that there were and it only mess with my head worse.

I told these things to Maria once when we were alone at her house.

"I know there might be possibilities and theories, but there is still that possibility that it was in fact him and I am not about to take the risk in trusting him again only for him to hurt you just like before." She hugged me as I cried into her shoulder. She rubbed my back as I sobbed and only said, "In time you will learn and figure out what happened and I will be here with you every step of the way."

I guess in that moment then, I figured I needed to either remember what happened or find proof that it wasn't Ashley, but if it wasn't him, then who was?

These questions kept me up at night. In a way I was stubborn over it. Until I could figure it out, I still needed to stay away from him. If I didn't know what would have happened. I couldn't talk to him, or be around him. I would make up dumb reasons and excuses as to why it's not him and my friends would only call me stupid and naive.

I needed to make this legitimate, not an excuse.

I just didn't know how.

"We should do something," Faith's voice brought me out of my thoughts.

"We could sleep." Maria suggested and stretched out her arms as she yawned.

"You always want to sleep." I said.

"I'm always tired." Maria shrugged.

"Yeah cause you stay up talking to Isaac all the time." Faith said.

"Shut up."

:)

Maria ended up falling asleep either way on my bed and Faith dozed off on the mattress on the floor soon after. I played on my phone on the living room couch cause I didn't know what else I could do without waking up either one of the girls. I would've tried to sleep too, but I wasn't tired and even if I tried too, I wouldn't have gotten far.

I stood in the kitchen and ate a snack and settled down my stomach that grumbled non stop until I ate something. I looked out the window and saw that it was a clear sky and the moon was halfway full. I had stopped going outside since anytime I wanted too Ashley would be out too.

Just this once I thought. Just for a minute I would look up at the stars and then go back inside.

I stepped out onto the balcony, and leaned over like I usually did on the railing. There was no breeze, so the trees were quiet and it wasn't as cool. It was nice.

"Haven't seen you out here in awhile," Ashley's tired voice sung beautifully in my ears.

"Couldn't sleep," I said.

"You've been sleeping?" He asked.

"No," I said. "I haven't"

He didn't say anything other than that. He probably didn't out of fear of driving me away again, and for that i was happy. We had no small talk, no conversation or anything to talk about. We simply stayed out and enjoyed each other's company while staring at the sky. In our minds though, we had talks that would go on for hours. In our minds, things were perfect.

At that moment it was okay. Just two strangers staring at the same sky but looking at different stars. Eventually we would lay our eyes on the same star and then look at each other one more time, and maybe then things would be better, different.

Things would be perfect.

And I would be happy.

I wanted to walk down from the balcony and over to his front porch steps and sit next to him. I wanted to rest my head against his shoulder and point our which star was his favorite and why. I wanted him to listen to me intently talk about all the different constellations and what would happen if the moon were to suddenly disappear.

I loved it when he would listen to me.

"Princess?" He spoke and I hummed in response. "Go get some sleep."

I did.