Catching Fireflies

Nine

C

I knew I had made a deal with him. A thought for a thought. But as he asked me what I was thinking, the gears in my head stopped spinning and everything came to a halt. Suddenly I had no thoughts, nothing other than the secrets I had planned to keep to myself. Things that I wasn't ready to tell yet because if I did, it would all become too real.

I wasn't ready to face that yet.

I had stopped running my fingers along his hair as I jumbled for anything to tell him. He was able to tell me so quickly, so easily and I wondered how he was able to do that. He was so comfortable around me, so easily vulnerable and it killed me. It killed me to know that he had so much trust in me and I barely had any for him.

He said he wondered what he did so wrong to make me hate him.

I never hated him. I just

I just

I just

I just didn't know.

I didn't know who he was to me anymore. I didn't know if I was afraid of him, or if I was in love with him. I didn't know if I wanted to be so impossibly close to him, or if I wanted to run away and hide to avoid all the feelings that arose in me. So much of it made me so scared that I needed to run away. To run away and figure it out for myself while I battled the trauma my skin felt.

I ran away to be with myself, without my friends, without my parents, without my brother and to just simply think for myself.

Liam telling me that he was on my side, that he thought the same way I did, gave me just the right push I needed to be able to take a step onto my balcony, to walk down its steps, and to sit with Ashley once again.

It was a lot to do.

Then there I was as I ran my hand through his hair. Then finally I told him.

"I don't hate you." I said, and he tilted his head back and looked up to me.

"Promise?" He asked.

"Promise." We were still little kids, cause he lifted his hand up to me, with his fingers curled closed and his pinkie sticking out. With a smile I hooked mine into his.

So little trust I had for him, but it slowly grew as we had our pinkies locked into each other.

"What else were you thinking about? You seemed lost in your head." He said.

"A thought for another thought?" I asked.

"How about we just share our thoughts until there is nothing left to share."

"Deal."

"Can I come up there with you? My back is starting to hurt." I giggled and moved away from the ledge for him to come up on. I went over to the old metal chest and took out some pillows and blankets and laid them out for us to lay on. Ashley already got comfortable and so I laid next to him.

We laid in silence as we stared at the sky.

"I'm scared." I said. I thought of all the conflicts that lingered in my head. Anything that involved the party, my confusion around Ashley, and how Ashley's hands differed from the ones I know by memory, the only proof I have of it not being him other than the observation that Liam had shared with me.

"I'm scared too." Ashley said, and I turned my head to look at him.

"Why are you scared?" He turned his head towards me, and he heaved a sigh.

"Something made you change, something scared you. You avoided me for almost a year and now here you are, right next me, talking to me. I'm terrified that I am going to do something to screw up again and lose you all over and restart from square one." He turned his head back and ran his hands through his hair. "I don't even know what I did wrong, but I'm scared I'll do it again."

Tears welled up in my eyes but I couldn't decipher why. I had almost told him that someone had touched me and I didn't know who. That the trauma caused me to forget and not remember a single clue other than the very hands sliding themselves up my legs and that the trauma tied with my overwhelming feelings for him caused me to shut down and hide from everything to avoid ever feeling like my skin was being tainted over and over again like an eternal torture,

"Not knowing anything, and only having myself to blame hurt so bad and you wouldn't even look at me."

"I'm so sorry." I was sobbing.

"Shit, no, Cris please." The tears streamed down my face before I could stop them. That entire time I had been hurting Ashley. While I hid from my problems, I was hurting him in the process and I couldn't ever forgive myself for it. "Don't cry, please."

"I hurt you," I hiccuped. "I was too selfish to get through it but I hid and I hurt you in the process."

"My feelings don't matter, Princess. Being angry with you while you were dealing with something would be selfish of me. Please don't cry. It's ok. I promise." Ashley said reached over and pulled me into him. He wrapped his arms around me, and held the back of my head with his hand and rubbed circles with his thumb.

He had never hugged me before.

I would have normally begun to overthink and freak out only to push him away, but instead the feeling of warmth enveloped me and my body relaxed itself. He used his other hand to caress my back. As soothing circled his hand went, and my body slowly put itself to sleep.

I felt safe there, in his arms. I brought my hands up onto his chest and gripped his shirt.

"I hope this is okay." He said.

"It's perfect." I murmured. I took a deep breath as the sobbing stopped. I took in a whiff of his cologne, or whatever it was that he smelled like. It was nostalgic of past memories together and how often we got so close. I leaned my head against his chest.

"Have you ever let yourself cry?" He asked me. I thought back. I hardly cried, the only times I did was because of the withdrawal from Ashley.

But had I ever taken the time and let myself to sit and feel?

No, I hadn't. I instead bottled everything up and pushed it away. I didn't face it, nor let myself cry.

I shook my head.

"I don't expect you to tell me what happened, but I hope you can trust me enough to be able to tell me some day." He continued to hold me in his arms and eventually I had fallen asleep.

I woke up the next morning in my bedroom. Liam had told me that he carried me all the way from the deer stand to the basement's back door. Liam let him in and he carried me into my bedroom room where he tucked me in and left me to sleep.

It was the best night of sleep I had ever gotten in a long time.

I craved more of it, but the only way to retrieve it was to have him hold me in his arms again.

I had hoped to be able to tell him one day. But then I was willing to start taking things one variously sized step at a time.

And I had hoped that he would be there to take the steps with me.