Catching Fireflies

Sixteen

M

"How was it, baby?" He purred. He messed with my mess of hair with his fingers and nestled into my neck. A fake smile played along my lips as I trailed a hand up to his chest.

"It was good." For him at least. I supposed that was all that mattered. My clothes were scattered along the floor and mixed in with his. I let his hands dance around my skin for prolonged moments as he pleased, and kept his head buried in my neck to keep him from seeing the nonexistent pleasure written all over my face.

There were times where it was good, but that was only when I actually wanted to.

"Good to hear." He said and kissed my temple. He lightly traced the outline of my body with his fingers, causing goosebumps to cascade across my skin. I shivered slightly.

I enjoyed being there more than I did at home. Here was away from my overbearing mother and her new boyfriend. I stayed away from my worrisome brothers and practically lived here with Isaac. There were always plenty of missed calls from my mom blinking on my phone. In most cases, I'd be terrified to miss a phone call by a couple of seconds, but now, I have no care.

I often just let my phone die.

Isaac continued to get handsy with me. Trailed himself along with areas I didn't want to be felt and nudged me. He quietly asked for more but I pushed his hand away and shook my head. He still tried to push onto it more, groped my body in urgency. I pushed my hands against his chest.

"Aw come on just a little more," He murmured and nibbled my ear. It was obvious that I was done for the night. That I had no desire to continue in one-sided sexual activities and only wished to throw a shirt on and go to sleep.

"I said no, Isaac," I said firmly and he scoffed then rolled his eyes. He retracted his hands from me and rolled over to where his phone was and aimlessly scrolled through it. He pouted to himself in a loud manner. I sighed and got out of bed and slipped on one of his shirts I found in his closet. I crawled over and out my hand on the top of his shoulder and caressed it with my thumb. I kissed his cheek.

"What do you want, Maria?" He said huskily.

"Don't pout over bullshit," I whispered in his ear. I trailed kisses along his jaw. I watched his body tense and as he slowly switched his phone off. Just a little bit to keep him happy and in good favor.

"Don't tease me." He said and rolled over to wrap his arm around my waist and pin me against the bed. He massaged my calf as he stared at me from above. I crossed my arms over my chest. He spread my legs apart and rested himself between them. He laid his head on my chest after I had uncrossed my arms. I played with his hair and he wrapped his arms around me.

It was moments like these that made me stay.

"If I make you so unhappy, why don't you leave?" He asked me. I didn't respond. Instead, I started humming a random tune that played in my head. Neither one of us said anything because both of us knew what the answer to that question was.

"I'm not able to give you what you want. Why do you stay?" I asked him. No response.

I didn't know the answer to that one. He knew but never told me. I never begged for a response. I felt it was out of bounds for what we were to each other.

We weren't lovers, we weren't friends, we weren't anything special and we sure as hell weren't going to be anything more than a shit show. We both knew that but never admitted to it. But neither one of us made the effort to leave. Maybe it was because of my attachment issues or the fact that in some ways he did make me feel human. Maybe there was something in me he saw that he didn't want to let go of or maybe he did love me and meant it when he whispered it in my ear.

Maybe I didn't leave because he was a replacement, a catalyst for numb feelings I want to get rid of. He was my substitute for self-medicating. As for what I was for him, I never knew. I didn't care to ask.

I preferred being with him over anything else. I never wanted to go back home, to a place I dreaded. I didn't want to go to a place where everything has changed for the worse and nobody seemed to care. I didn't want to watch my mother smile for another man that was my biological father. I didn't want to watch my brothers see a dad in another man that wasn't our biological father.

I didn't want to go back to a place where my dad no longer existed. I didn't want to walk into the same hallway where I found his lifeless body on the floor reeking of nothing but the alcohol he drowned himself in.

I didn't want to. I never wanted to find him like that.

But I did.

As my mind wandered, I pulled Isaac up to my face. I kissed his lips, I trailed my hands along his torso.

"Forget about it," He said along my lips. "I'm here. Stop it."

He trailed his hands up my shirt. He touched me and ignited every inch of my skin. Heavy breaths filled the void in the air, tangled sheets kept us glued to each other in every moment. Sweat dripped across our skin and we tried to pull ourselves impossibly closer to each other's bodies.

He felt me when I wanted him too, and for that it was passionate. He made me forget what I didn't want to remember. He drugged me with lust and made me get high off of his hands. He taught me things that I used to distract myself. He used me for whatever reason and I used him as a way to run away.

We loved each other in a very fucked up way that no one would understand but us.

So there we were again. Naked and dressed in nothing but the touch of ourselves against each other and covered in only a sheet that's intertwined in our legs and somehow still covering our bits and pieces. I had forgotten and he had lost himself. He brushed my hair to the side of my face. We looked at each other and danced with our eyes.

'I'm addicted to you," He told me. He massaged the side of my waist with his thumb.

"Is that why you haven't left yet?" I asked.

"Do you want me to leave?" He asked.

"No," I said. "If you leave, I'll remember. I want to forget." I said.

"Then as long as you want me here, I'll stay." That sentence scared me. I didn't think I'd ever want him to leave. I was addicted to him too.

"Then stay," I said.

"I love you." He said.

"I love you." I lied.

He closed his eyes and pulled me into him. He wrapped his arms around me and I felt safe and secure. I wrapped my arms around him and felt trapped. I rubbed his back and played with his hair as I watched his body rose and fell as he breathed. I couldn't sleep much so I entertained myself by staring out of the window by the bedside and watched what looked to be small little flashes of light in the yard.

Little fireflies were out and about that night. It made me think of Cris and how hard I've tried to protect her and failed. In the end, I still caught her staring in his direction.

I didn't want her to be put in the same situation I was in. I didn't want to watch her slowly deteriorate as she tried to please a hypersexual male who doesn't care what she says and goes after only what he wants and gets irritated when he can't get it.

Or maybe, I just didn't want to stare face to face with an identical image of myself.

Who was I kidding? That identical image stared right back at me in the reflection of the window.

I closed my eyes, but I couldn't sleep.