Catching Fireflies

Twenty Five

C

I woke up with Ashley right next to me. He was fast asleep and I was careful not to wake him as I wiggled my way out of his arms. Liam was asleep in the other bed so I carefully tiptoed to the bathroom. I never changed out of my clothes from the previous night so I stripped them off and took a shower to wash the smell of smoke off of my body.

As I got cleaned up, I stared at my tear-stained face in the mirror and remembered everything that had happened before I had fallen asleep. I tried not to let it affect me, but I felt so heavy.

I got dressed and went out of the bathroom. I found my sketchbook at the bottom of my bag and grabbed a pencil. I stepped outside and sat on one of the chairs of the cabin's porch and opened up my sketchbook.

I didn't check to see what time it was, but it was probably early. The birds were out but I saw no one out walking by the cabins nor did I hear any voices.

I scribbled away on a blank page of my sketchbook. I didn't know what I was drawing but it was something. In the end, though, the page was just covered in black markings. There was no drawing, there was no meaning, there was nothing.

Just a big fucking mess.

I didn't know why I bothered taking the time to scribble it, but I did. I went back inside of the cabin and shoved my sketchbook back into my bag and zipped it shut. When I turned around I saw Ashley sitting up on the bed and rubbing his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," I whispered, trying not to wake up Liam too.

"You didn't wake me. Your shower did though." Ashley yawned. "How are you feeling?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Better I guess." Ashley nodded and then got off of the bed.

"I'm going to go check on Aiden. Text if you need me." He planted a kiss on my head then walked out of the cabin, closing the door quietly behind him.

I did text him later that night, back when we were all by the firepit again. I felt less anxious when I saw Isaac wasn't there. I hadn't seen Maria at all since the night before and I wasn't sure what would happen if I were to face her again.

If we play another dumb game again, we can just go back to my cabin. Ashley texted me.

I think Noel isn't fond of them anymore. She talked to me earlier. I typed and I saw Ashley nodding his head at me when I looked over. No one else asked or questioned about last night's game and I was relieved that everyone kept quiet about it and didn't mention it.

"Would anyone be down for a harmless game of Truth or Dare?" Damion pitched. He looked at me first and I quickly looked away. Ashley furrowed his brows.

"Nothing too crazy, but yeah I'm down," Channa said and Annie agreed alongside her. The rest of the girls nodded and the guys pitched in with nods.

"I'll play a few rounds," I said and Ashley gave me a cautious look before he too joined.

"Ashley, You can go first," Mitch said and gave Ashley a small wink. Ashley let out a breath and his eyes scanned the circle of us surrounding the fire pit. He went around once and on the second round, his eyes landed on me then stopped.

"Cris, truth or dare." I took a deep breath. When I said I would play I had already decided that I would only pick truth anytime I was asked.

"Truth," I said and Ashley nodded and thought for a moment.

"Do you trust me?"

I hesitated.

It was a simple yes answer, but I choked. 

I don't know why, but I did. I waited for a second too long and within that second, I doubted not only him by myself. Was it really him that I needed to trust? Or was it myself? Could I actually put full-blown faith into Ashley and not have to worry about a thing?

Of course, I couldn't. I'll always be a worrying mess because I'm not a carefree person anymore like I once was.

Ashley stood up abruptly from his seat and walked off towards the woods. Everyone looked at me as I stood up too and ran after him. I picked up my feet off of the ground and listened to the sounds of leaves being crushed anytime I took a step. I reached out for Ashley when I caught up to him and placed my hand on his shoulder. He grabbed my wrist gently and put it away from him.

"Why can't trust me?" He quivered.

"It's not like that I-"

"So you can kiss me but you can't trust me? I'm always by your side but that isn't enough is it? What do I have to do to get you to trust me?" He never let go of my wrist as he spoke, never rose his voice or anything. But I heard the pain laced in his voice as he forced them out. 

"You don't understand, Ashley! I'm trying!" I cried.

"Don't understand? I can't understand because you won't tell me but even then I try so hard to be here and understand what I can! I didn't tell you I would always be here just for you to 'try'!" Ashley took a breath. "I'm trying so hard to understand but I just can't do that if you won't trust me."

"I do trust you though," I whispered.

"Then why do I have such a hard time believing that? I don't even know what we are cause we definitely aren't friends." I looked straight into his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Friends don't look at each other as if their very next breath depends on them. Friends don't look at each other in the eye and try so hard not to kiss them." Ashley ran a hand down his face. "And friends trust each other." 

"You wanna know why I have such a hard time, Ashley?" I started, I took his hand in mine and interlaced out fingers, and held on tight. "The night of that party one year ago, someone took me home and put their hands  on my body." I squeezed his hand harder as I remember the small piece of evidence left in my memory from the night. Ashley's eyes widened and his body froze. "I felt disgusted in my own skin that I wanted so desperately to shave it all off," I gritted my teeth. I brought his hand onto my chest and held in there as I grabbed with my other hand too. "I started having nightmares and I was afraid to sleep at night because each night was worst than the last." Tears lined my cheeks. "I can't remember what happened but I feel it every second of every day as if it's happening all over again. All I can remember was whispering your goddamned name."

"Cris-"

"Why did I? Was it you? Were you the one that did this to me?" I couldn't stop myself from crying. Everything broke loose as I finally told him what really happened and why I severed all contact from him and treated him like a complete stranger. 

"I didn't I swear to God."

"I couldn't trust you because I was scared." My legs got weak and all I wanted was to fall to the floor. "I'm scared because I love you."

Ashley pulled me into his chest and held me tightly. "Jesus Christ, Princess, I'm so sorry." His voice cracked. "I didn't take you home that night,"

I felt everything relax then, hearing it come from his mouth that he wasn't the one responsible for my messed up brain. However, I felt his hands clench into fists against my back.

"I didn't take you home because Isaac did."

That was it. The moment I lost all control of everything I once knew.

We just don't want to see you get hurt again, that's all,  Isaac once told me.

In time you will learn and figure out what happened and I will be here with you every step of the way. I once Maria fully to that promise.

Lies. All of it.

Fuck them all.