Catching Fireflies

Twenty Six

C

I didn't know what to feel. Had no idea how to process it either. The word 'liars' rang through my head on repeat, but could I really call them that?

No.

Only Isaac.

Ashley expected a different reaction from me. One that involved another breakdown, and a long stream of tears. But instead I just stood there, frozen to the ground and my feet refused to let me move anywhere.

Maybe it was the fact that so much had gone wrong already, that it was only natural that this were to occur too. That maybe I had already lost control of everything and that there was no point of losing it over this too, right?

I was just numb to it all already.

That's what I had thought, anyway.

Even as those thoughts and excuses ran through, the pressure behind my eyes began to build up, and tears spilled over as I could no longer hold them back anymore. The entire time I had worried myself because of my recent attachments to Ashley, fearing that my suspicions were wrong and that Ashley did actually take me home the night of the party. The entire time I had hid myself away for months and not only hurt myself  but Ashley too because of a lie that was fabricated by Isaac to cover himself up.

But why? Why me? Why ever?

He had Maria, he was with Maria, he said so himself. Maria said so herself.

Unless she lied too.

Then everything crashed into me. The full throttle of emotions and thoughts and scenarios and wondering what was still truth and what might not be. I eventually found myself backing into a tree as I quietly sobbed into my hands. My head was pounding and I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. 

I had wondered what Ashley had thought of me then. What went through his head as he watched me slide my back against a tree until I had sat myself on the ground and curled myself into a ball. I wondered what he had thought when he watched me wrap my arms around my knees and cried into them. What he had thought when I told him of the way I had been touched and how it hurt me. I wondered what he thought as I told him that I could still feel his hands trailing up my thighs, sliding inwards and caressing them so softly that it was evil. What he thought when I told him that I debated driving my car into the lake to drown myself when I couldn't get the repulsive thoughts out of my head.

How. 

Each. 

And. 

Every.

Night.

I.

Just.

Wanted.

To.

Tear.

My.

Skin.

To.

Shreds.

Until.

I.

Was.

Nothing.

How each and every day I faked a smile in front of my parents so they wouldn't have to worry about a single hair upon my head. How I pushed myself to get out of bed everyday when the only thing I wanted to do was sleep because I could hardly get any.

How every night I pretended to be asleep when Liam peaked his head into my room in the middle of the night. 

How I blamed myself for everything.