Lacuna

chpt.18

December 30,1998

Diary,
I know what I saw, I know what I felt and I know what said. It all happened. I know it did. My brain can't make stuff up like that, right? He was here. I was in his arms, we kissed along with many other things.

We argued, shouted, insulted. It all happened. I know it did. Was it all really just a dream? Did I not actually read his journal? Did I not sleep with him? What's happening?

What if what I read was not real? What if he's just using me, like a game? A stupid, stupid game. Is that what it really is? I don't know what's real, I don't know what memories of ours are real. What if we don't have any memories? What the fuck is happening?

Who do I love?

Who do I chose?

I want Harry, but I don't know if I should.

Cordelia.

-at the burrow-

When McGonagall dropped Harry off at the burrow he stood in the silence. The wind blew and the cold air nipped at his nose. His mind was racing going a million miles per hour.

He wanted her. He wants her, but he simply can't have her. She's placed under a curse, a curse unbreakable. He stood in the cold not knowing what his next move was.

The burrow was quiet at this time of night. He could see a few faint shadows of pale glowing lamps. This place was the closest he had to a home he had. He loves everyone inside but still, it isn't his home.

Harry never had a home. His home was destroyed, his home was torn to pieces. He thought maybe he was finding a new home...his family was his home. Harry's family was his home before they were murdered. A home isn't just some house, it's a person.

It's a person you love.

Your person that you love.

Harry has had many 'homes' but no one could compare to Cordelia in this manner. He thought he could have her. He thought it would be easy, that's what tore him apart.

He was willing to put up a fight against Draco for her, he was willing to chase after her. He was willing to do whatever it takes even if it was to kiss her in front of everybody during the ball, but now..if he chased..he'd lose her. If he got in the way of her and Draco's relationship it'd kill them, and Cordelia doesn't know.

Cordelia doesn't know she'll die, and Harry won't be the one to tell her.

Harry stared blankly ahead feeling like he couldn't move. He was paralyzed with own mind that just couldn't stop thinking. It was like it had totally blown up, went haywire.

He watched as a light switched on in the living room and the door swing open. Hermione stood in the door holding out her wand squinting trying to make out the figure that stood a few yards back.

"Harry? What are you doing here?" Hermione asked slowly walking towards him hugging herself due to the cold.

"I need a drink." Harry said walking towards Hermione.

"No! I am not letting you do that to yourself any longer!" She lectured him. Harry glared at her. You could see their breath in the cold air.
"Why are you here?"

"Do you not want me here?" Harry snapped clearly upset.

"No! Of course I want you here but- Harry...I'm just curious why you decided to come today at what? Three in the morning?"