Lacuna

chpt.36

TRIGGER WARNING/// talk of rape.

March 31, 1999

Diary,
I tired so hard to wash off your touch but the memory still lingers in my mind. I scrub and scrub even after the water grows freezing cold because I just want you to leave my mind. I can't even look at you without having a glimpse of that night. I wish Daphne would've stayed in the common room with me longer on the night that it had happened. It could've save me the trauma.

I can't believe I have to marry you. I can't believe I have to marry the cruel monster who pinned me down on the coffee table and violated me. When you turned me on my stomach and pinned my down my head threatening if I told anyone, he'd kill Harry and hurt me. I can't stop thinking about the bruises around my wrists from you tying your tie around them so tight till the point I couldn't feel my finger tips. After the day it happened, you acted like it was nothing. You acted normal around everyone and I couldn't say anything.

What would I even say? He'd hurt me if I would, he wouldn't kill me but definitely hurt me. I'm so disgusted I feel sick when I think about it. I'm so sick and tired and I just want to bash my head into a brick wall. I want to run away, far far away from this life. I'm so stuck and terrified. This won't stop me from staying away from Harry. I will piss that motherfucker off until the day he kills me.

Its just I won't ever break free from the fact that Draco Malfoy raped me.

Cordelia.

April 13, 1999

Diary,
He tells me he loves me and that he really does care but does he really think I'm that stupid? He uses me as a fucking sex doll. I've learned how to disassociate in the moment and how to feel nothing. I just go numb. I'm relapsing too, Draco and I both do fucking drugs and drink till we can't feel our fucking faces. I don't know if I'm addicted or not but I'm definitely losing weight, way more than I should. He's so sweet and nice to me in the public eye but as soon as we're alone, hell breaks loose.

We scream. Fight. Throw things. Hit one another. Then it ends with me undressed at his command.

I feel lost. I can't talk to Harry, he hasn't been around as much anymore. Not showing up to meals, not showing up to classes and when he does, he reeks of beer and whiskey. I think he's relapsing too but I can't help him. I just can't. Draco has me wrapped around his little finger and is a ticking time bomb.

Everyone thinks we're perfect because we no longer argue in the halls or in front of people because of the fight Harry and Draco had. People started raising suspicions so he made me shut them down. Constantly having to act okay is making me forget who I am.

We're the perfect couple.

Love comes in different ways...right?

Cordelia.

May 1, 1999

Diary,
He knows where to hit so no one can see the bruises. Last night he got sooooo close to finally killing me when he held a broken shard of glass to my neck, but instead it only left a small cut from him holding it there for so long.

Did I mention that I've become an Occlumens?

He can't read my mind anymore.

Cordelia.

May 6, 1999

Diary,
The wedding is July 1st, day after graduation. Draco is at the manor again with his mother, I insisted on staying home. If I can stay away from him, I will.

Cordelia.

The last few months has been hell for Cordelia. Draco was abusive. Very. He abused the power of their arranged marriage and he knew Cordelia couldn't get out of it, ever. She's just waiting for him to finally lose it and kill her.

Harry was left off on a warning my professor McGonagall and she gave Draco detention for a month after the fight. He was infuriated but Minerva wouldn't back down. That fight was the talk of the school for days but soon died down when someone Ravenclaw boy got expelled for illegal drug possession.

Cordelia has been distancing herself from both Pansy and Daphne but still remains relatively close with Daphne. Daphne talks to Cordelia still and is truly a good friend to her for being by her side no matter what. Pansy has no idea the toxic relationship that is being concealed behind closed doors. They won't tell Pansy since she's a loud mouth and would tell the entire school and make matters worse.

Daphne has pulled numerous pranks on Draco just to fuck with him. She isn't afraid to admit it. Daphne has also befriended Hermione Granger. They're both prefects, they have almost every single class together and both enjoy spending time in the library. Daphne also fills Hermione in on Draco and Cordelias current situations. Its the friendship no only really expected but y'know, anything is possible. 

Harry is a complete train wreck.

Relapsing and burrowing is sorrow into bottomless bottles of fire whiskey and beer. He looks older now, but not in a good way. He looks terrible. Eye bags, scruffy hair, incomplete inform. He looks ill. Very very ill.. Just like how he was several months ago.

He feels so guilty and feels like he's the reason why Draco and Cordelia couldn't have a healthy relationship. He thinks he's the reason why everything just can't be normal for them. He's partially right. If Harry and her wouldn't have gotten so attached, Cordelia and Draco could have a relatively normal relationship.

But he keeps forgetting that she does love him. He keeps forgetting that it wasn't just his fault. It's no ones fault. The two shouldn't have been sworn under a damn curse since they were children.

And also Cordelia and Draco do have very obvious issues and problems but everything could be okay. It could just be 'comfortable' for everyone. He keeps blaming himself, over and over again and it's killing him.

May 6, 1999

Diary, I'm drunk again but what's new? The entire fucking school knows now about their dumb marriage and everyone is so blindsided but their fake smiles and fake laughs. She flitches whenever someone raises their hand or even makes a sudden movement . She seems constantly sore and is super skinny.

I swear I could see her rib cage sticking out through her uniform. Her cheek bones stick out more and her face is sunken. Is she on fucking drugs again? I just want to know what's happening so I can kill that prick myself. I want to kill Draco Malfoy but would lead to me being sent to Azkaban and leaving Cordelia alone. 

Oh my fucking fuck I hate this. I hate HATE all of this. If it wasn't for me none of this would happened, literally. If I wasn't the chosen one no one would've died, no one would be fucking traumatized.

Will it ever get easier?

-Harry J. Potter.