Lacuna

chpt.37

May 8, 1999

Diary,
What happened to Draco? I'm honestly so hopeless and confused to why he go so possessive and abusive all of a sudden. Yes he's always been a stuck up douchebag who was a dick but I would never imagine him to be the monster he's become. It's like something snapped inside of him. Like for instance, when he saw Harry and I kiss at the ball he was upset..I can see why but he wasn't all crazy woman beater type shit.

When I went to visit him at the manor with his mother, he seemed so much more different. He doesn't talk the same, doesn't make those offensive jokes,he just sort of seems off. Not like himself. Not the Draco i grew up with. I know that it's  Draco but there has to be something going on inside his pea brain that made him so vial and violent.

I want to talk to Harry so badly. I want to speak with him about the truth that we all know will happen. I want to tell him myself that we can't even sneak off together or even consider having a relationship even though that the only thing I ever want to do at this fucking point. I want to talk to him and tell him to forget me. I want him to forget me, I want him to not even know I was alive, ever.

I knew I had to marry Draco but I still stayed with him. I knew the inevitable but I still played him like a fucking little game! How could I be so heartless and oblivious??? How could I possibly do that to somebody? To Draco and Harry both. I was literally cheating on Draco for multiple months...and I guess it hurt him. It must've hurt him bad since he's making me feel incredible amounts of pain as some sort of revenge?

I feel so gross for being a cheater but it was the happiest I've probably ever felt. I was the happiest with Harry...and I can't even imagine what Harry could possibly be going through. I know he's hurting...I can see it in those beautiful eyes of his that he is in pain. I caused that pain. I caused that pain by leading and leading him on for months even though I knew how it'll end.

I knew how it would fucking end and I still stayed with him and it's tearing him from limb to limb.

Cordelia.

Cordelia closed her book and took a deep breath before placing into her nightstand drawer. She hasn't been turning in entries for the past few months since she was cleared of all charges and isn't viewed as a threat to herself or to anyone else. The ministry must really fucking stupid for this since she's been damaging her body with abusing various drugs.

She cracked her knuckles and looked around the dark room. Pansy and Daphne were both absent from their dorm at the moment, Pansy was out with Theodore Nott, Daphne was down at the library doing god knows what. Cordelia didn't like being alone, all though she normally is.

She hated it, that's when her thoughts ran the most having nothing to distract her. She looked down at her ring and rubbed her middle finger against the side of it slightly twisting it. Cordelias stomach churned when she even looked at it.

She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair raven hair as she sat up from her bed walking over to one of her dresser drawers. She glanced at the door reaching her hand into the drawer feeling for a baggy. She looked back down in the drawer slowly pulling the small bag out.

She rubbed her thumb over the plastic as it crinkled. Cordelia chewed onto her lip anxiously debating whether or not she should take it or not.

"Fuck it."

She slammed her drawer shut rattled the dresser and walked to the bathroom keeping her eyes on the door being sure no one comes in. She gently shut the door behind her and locked it and looked at herself in the mirror almost disappointed in herself. She was. She was disappointed in herself.

She promised Harry she wouldn't continue to do this to herself, but she broke that promise weeks ago.

She opened up the baggy staring down at the white fine powder that stuck to the sides. She shook the bag and looked back up at herself in the mirror. Cordelia didn't recognize herself. She snapped out of her trance and dipped her small finger into the bag using her nail as a scoop.

Cordelia clenched her jaw before hesitantly holding it up to her nose tilting her head back inhaling the substance through her nostril. She sucked in through her nose deeply and shook her head wiping her nose tilting her head back down to meet her eyes in the mirrors.

Her sunken eyes that made her look ill.

Cordelia jolted her head towards the oak door as it pounded loud and clear. Cordelia jumped at the sudden loud noise.

"Who is it?" She asked.

"Daphne! What are you doing in there?" She asked jangling the door knob. Cordelia stammered throwing the baggy in the toilet flushing it in panic whilst wiping her nose.

Cordelia reached for the door knob grabbing at it's cold steel handled unlocking it and swinging it open to find both Daphne and Hermione Granger standing in the doorway. She furrowed her eyebrows at the sight.

"Why is she—"

"Never mind that Cordelia...we have something for you." Hermione cut her off reaching into a beaded bag of hers pulling out small vials with corked tops. She stepped out from the bathroom taking one into her hand.

She examined the clear glass object that she held in her fingers confused. She looked up at the two of them fidgeting with it.

"They're to collect memories...of Draco." Hermione lowered her voice at the end of her sentence. Cordelia stared at her with a confused look on her face struggling to understand how she had to do anything with their relationship.

"Right um...for the wedding—"

"Cut it out with the bullshit. I can see right through it and she tells me about you two." Hermione cut her off motioning towards Daphne. "It's so you can collect the memories  and use them in court so we can put that ass in Azkaban."

"You- you told her!" Cordelia exclaimed at Daphne mad she broke their trust.

"I told you- specifically told you not to tell anybody!" She said in an upset tone. Hermione stood there feeling awkward.

"She's worried about you Cordelia and I am too...so that's why you're going to collect all the times he's hurt you or done anything to you so he can rot." Daphne explained.

"No."

"What do you mean no?" Hermione said confused shoving the vial back into her hand.

"No- he'll find out somehow and it's just- not...worth it! It's stupid! Hermione—just...stay out of it. Okay?" Cordelia struggled to form words.

"I'm not going to stay out of it if he put his hands all over you and raped you!" Hermione raised her voice at Cordelia. Cordelia jumped at the change in volume and at the way she flopped her hands at her sides.

They all fell silent at her reaction.

"See? This is why we want you to collect those memories.." Daphne broke the silence. Cordelia turned her head to Daphne and back at Hermione who held more vials in her hands.

"Harry has no idea...I won't tell him anything, but please tell him you're okay- lie if you even have too because he's a mess." Hermione paused. "Make him believe you're alright..until you actually are. Fake it till you make it." Hermione put one back in her hand with a soft smile on her face.

"Do not. Tell him..if he finds out he will just make everything worse." Cordelia said through gritted teeth. Hermione nodded.

"I won't."

Hermione pulled out another bag similar to hers that had a few dozen vials in it for her to keep them in. Hermione left before anyone could see her and Pansy soon returned so they never talked about it for the rest of the night.