Lacuna

chpt. 50

September 28, 2000

I remember the moment I realized I was no longer a child anymore. Not the moment when I found a blood stain in my underwear when I was 11. It wasn't the first time when I kissed a boy for the first time or got my first training bra. Maybe it was the moment when I started to cry over something that didn't involve physical pain.

It was confusing.

Maybe if I think hard enough I can remember. Possibly when I had a painful piece of dark magic branded onto my inner left forearm. I was 16 then, it had to of been before that. By then I knew the demons that lurked this filthy planet that we call earth.

Could it have been moment when I overheard my mother and father arguing about divorce?

I was 13 years old then.

Of course they're still married now but that's when I realized dad wasn't sleeping in the other room because the blanket wasn't big enough. I know it was because daddy couldn't keep his hands off an old co-worker. Mommy couldn't put down the bottle after that.

Or it could've been the time moms old boss touched me in the old store.

But you don't get to hear about. It was good that my childhood ended at the age of 8 years old. Actually it wasn't, since then I had to grow up faster then I really should've. I wanted to keep skipping around in yard leaving daisies trail behind me.

That holding hands was the worst thing you could do with a boy. When life was always good and death wasn't in your list of worries.

When I didn't have to run to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain instead of an old ice pack when I scrape my knees on the pavement. Back when I threw up at the taste of beer.

I wanted to continue believing in cooties and that the word 'hell' was a bad word. Or when Voldemort was still gone but you know what? People will lie to make you feel good. It's okay until it's not. Sometimes it's okay to lie but mostly, it really isn't.

It's crazy to think that I literally lived through hell. I just lived even though my thoughts raced and I often felt like I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't. I still can't but I can't decide if I'm happy or not anymore, really.

It's always been like that but I never told anyone. From everything that's happened over the course of 12 years it's hard for me to even believe I'm still alive, and I still wish I wasn't.

Everything is normal again. I have the man who made me feel feelings I didn't even know existed until we made out in the fucking hospital wing at Hogwarts. I have my parents back, they're still a little off sometimes but they're mainly there.

I have the friends that I've had since the first day of school and we've been closer than ever. New and amazing friends and a massive family now who all have red hair. I'm fucking filthy rich right now from my old friend dying and being one of the top female quidditch players in the world.

If everything is so perfect..why do i still feel like this?

How do I shut off my mind? How do I keep it off so I don't relive the traumas of my sick life when I can't sleep or when I'm trying to enjoy myself? What do I do?

I feel selfish and I don't want to hurt anyone but how do I stop hurting. I want to stop thinking and reliving everything over and over again. Cant time just freeze? So I don't have to move on with life before I could even recover from the past. It got worse when he was gone, but he's back now. If that's the case..why are the demons not gone yet?

I'm sorry to whoever finds this but I tried. I did, for so long I tried to shut those damn thoughts out in every way possible but they won't go away.

I love my life and everyone in it so so much, but I just want the pain to stop.

I want Harry to move on from me after this, for Ginny to keep playing quidditch, Narcissa to continue baking, Molly to keep knitting those itchy sweaters, Daphne to keep being the most amazing friend that anyone could have.

Hermione and Ron to keep playing chess and argue over stupid things but end up dancing to their favorite songs to the end of the night.

Don't cry over me.

I wish you could understand why I'm doing this, but I won't ever want anyone to feel this way about themselves.

Life is a literal dumpster fire but sometimes some people can make it out unscathed, but others will melt.

I melted.

I'm Cordelia Jean Burke and this is my suicide note.

———

December 21, 2020

Its been over two decades since I found her in the bathtub. Her wrists were cut open, it was a terrible sight but she's better now.

We've been married for 19 years, today.

Life's been better, to say the least. She hasn't had an episode like that since that day in September all those years ago. She's great. Mother of two, James Albus Potter and Draco Sirius Potter.

Twins.

They're 15 years old and Draco goes by Sirius. Both of us felt weird about calling our son Draco but we wanted to honor him, in some way. Cordelia has retired from quidditch two years ago and I know work as the DADA professor at Hogwarts.

Ginny and Luna split but are mature about the situation after their daughter graduated from Hogwarts. They're both single and are doing well. Ron and Hermione are still together and have 3 kids now.

Life's been good for so long now.

It'll stay that way.

The life as Harry Potter was pretty tough and confusing but it did work out pretty well if I do say so myself. It was worth it all and I do wish I did things differently but there's no way going back.

We're good.

Life's good.

And my life with her, is even better.

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Lacuna.