I Was Born To Love You

Forced Smiles

I sit on my couch, my legs crossed in front of me, sitting up straight and staring at the wall in front of me. Everything that happened tonight is replaying on the wall, big and clear, as if I were sitting in a movie theater. I can feel the guiltiness sitting in my stomach. Little me is running around within me, trying to lift up my spirits.

Although I can't shake this guiltiness, I can't cry. My face has had the same expression from the moment I left Gabrielle's house. My mouth hasn't moved upward, my eyelids haven't lowered, my cheeks haven't been lifted. No, everything has stayed in its exact place. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to show my true feelings on the outside, it made me feel more emotionless, more than I even liked.

I throw my alarm across the room the second I wake up, hearing the cracks within it as soon as it hits the wall. It falls on the floor, making the BEEP BEEP sound over and over, although at a low and distorted sound. I lazily pull back the covers and hop out of bed, rummaging through my drawer and grabbing black sweatpants, a dark yellow long-sleeve and heading towards my bathroom.

I brush my teeth, then rushingly begin putting on my clothes. As I finish I look in the mirror, staring back at myself. I looked lifeless. I was pale, stood still, had no light in my eyes, no charm in my smile. I had seen this image in the mirror several times before, but today it hurt more than ever. I force myself to smile, making sure my eyes rise along with it, trying to make it look believable. I stare at myself for a few minutes in the mirror, but as each second passes, I feel the tears coming, harder and harder. My eyes fill to the brim with tears, but I keep my smile on.

My smile starts to break but I keep it on, not letting it drop. My tears begin to fall, one by one and I stare at them through the mirror as they glide along my face, leaving a trail wherever it goes. I let the smile go and I gasp, it felt as if I was doing something so foreign to me, that it hurt. I fall onto my toilet seat and begin to cry, cry harder than I ever have.

All this emotion I had held over the years, all those tears, the sadness, anger, frustration, yet a part was breaking out, breaking free, to make sure I could still function as a human. It had to get out one day, sooner or later, and today was the day. I sat there for ten minutes, crying. I get up, putting on my pair of vans, still sniffling as I walk along my small apartment.

I grab my stuff and head to my car, throwing everything in the passenger seat, and placing myself in the drivers seat. I take the longer way to work, its what I want, what I deserved. I drive along the long roads, passing by some cars, seeing kids, seeing adults walking. I stop at a red light, putting my elbow on the car door and placing my head into my head, my flingers slightly pushing into my hair. I look around, waiting for the light to turn green, although I know it's going to take forever.

I dart my eyes into a little antique store, although not lit well, I can see a couple of stuff. I see someone walking within the aisles, her long brown coat reaching a little lower than her knees, her long red hair flowing along with her as her fingers graze the objects sitting on the shelf. I squint my eyes, trying to look closer, catch every detail. Suddenly her head turns and my eyes widen. It was May!

I gasp as her smile widens and she rushes over to the other corner, her arms wide open. A man falls into her arms, her hair brushing over both of their faces. They both pull back and although I knew who it was going to be already, I could still feel the pain within me. Leonardo and May smile brightly, you could see the chemistry from here, although I do see it faltering on Leonardo's side. That might just be me trying to make myself feel better, but I refuse to believe that.

The car behind me honks and I jump a little in my seat. I quickly continue driving, trying to get the image out of my head. I finally felt okay, but that little scene ruined my entire mood. I felt angry again, I felt it rushing through my veins, I could feel little me begging to be let out so that she could go kick both their asses.

I continue driving, breathing in and out, trying to relax, I could feel my face hardening under the heat, to make sure it stays and it doesn't show something horrific. I arrive to my lousy job and I park hurriedly. I enter angrily, and I rush along the entrance, I try to slam the front door behind me but it immediately slows down and closes slowly and on its on. I look up and let out a sigh of defeat, forgetting I work in a literal hell that must be quiet 24/7.

I rush to the back, dumping my things into my basket. I rush over to Greg, asking what I needed to do today. Once I get told I need to dust off the shelves and make sure all the books are clean I could almost feel my body fall in defeat. I grab a small towel, some dust cleaner and a couple other cleaning supplies and head to my first aisle. Comedy.

I sit down on the floor, removing all the books from the bottom shelf. I place them beside me and begin to clean the shelf, making sure its perfect and shiny. I slowly begin to place each book back on the shelf, making them look presentable when all of a sudden, I hear footsteps coming my way.

I hear all the alarms going off within me, knowing who's footsteps those are. I pretend to continue looking like I'm working hard when all of a sudden I hear a small trip beside me. I quickly turn my head and see Gabrielle on one knee, her other hand holding onto the shelf for support.

"I'm sorry, I accidentally left the books too far out into the outer aisle." I say as I look down, putting the books closer by me so that no one else trips.

"Oh..well its okay, I'm sorry too, I wasn't looking where I was going, I was reading this paper that Greg gave me." She says, nervousness in her voice, darting her eyes everywhere accept me.

"You have to stop apologizing, it wasn't your fault." I respond, actually feeling brave enough to look up this time.

She looks towards me and makes eye contact, gulping down hard. "I know, but I can't help it, it's what I was taught to do."

"Look, I'm.." I breathe in deeply and close my eyes, coming to terms with the fact that I was about to show an emotion that I rarely even showed. I could feel how nervous I was, scared to screw up my apology. "I'm sorry..about last night. I completely lashed out." I stand up, coming to height with her.

"And I'm sorry for trying to intrude, it's your life, and although I may not agree with certain decisions, at the end of the day, it's not my problem to analyze." We both hold our arms out and stay hugging for minutes, and at this point in my life, I could feel real happiness sprouting within me.

"You don't have to be sorry, you were just trying to be a good friend and make sure I didn't go through any pain."

"That's true, but sometimes we must learn from our mistakes, someone won't always be there to pull you back before the car hits. Sometimes you're going to have to let the car hit you and realize everything at the hospital, once you're already in the bed."

"Incredible advice from you once again, but such a weird metaphor."

"I had to come up with something at the top of my head." She says with a chuckle, and she begins to lean up against the shelf while talking about her Mom's new dog as I continue cleaning. 

Thank you so much for reading! It means so much to me! <3

Questions or Comments?

Let me know in the comments or message me! Thank you! I love you all! <3

-Kat :)