The Seventh Sense is Love

Understanding His Pain

Meredith let's herself into Derek's house and takes a deep but nervous breath. The house is silent and it appears as if he isn't there as she walks around looking for him. Finally, she glances out the back door and sees him sitting on the deck. She goes outside and sits down in the chair beside him. "Hi," she says quietly.

"Hi," Derek answers, but doesn't turn toward her. He doesn't take her hand, smile or act in any way like he normally does. He just sits there, brooding.

There's a part of Meredith that wants to return his silent treatment, but she knows that would be childish. Besides, it would prolong this agony, this awkwardness between them. So she simply says, "I'm sorry, Derek."

He finally turns his head in her direction and she continues, "I really was being selfish. I know you said I wasn't, but I was. I've started thinking about the possibility of children with you and then reacted like a freak when you said you didn't know. I didn't let you explain or even take a moment to consider why you may not want kids. I... I just, I'm sorry, Derek," she finishes as her voice hitches a little.

Finally he reaches his hand toward Meredith. She grabs it and he pulls her into his lap. She wraps her arms around him and lays her head on his shoulder. Derek says, "I'm sorry too, Mer. Are you going to let me explain now?"

"You don't have to," she mumbles.

"Okay," he says squeezing her tighter, "but will you listen anyway?"

"Yes."

"Good," he states quietly and begins rubbing her back. "I would love to have children with you Meredith, but I just don't think it's a conceivable possibility. You understand why my life has to be structured the way it is. How fair would it be to bring a child into an environment of constant control? I wouldn't even be able to be alone with him or her - I'd need a babysitter to be with our child when you weren't around."

Meredith has tears in her eyes and physically hurts for Derek, for them. She kisses his lips gently and then whispers, "I understand - I really do. I just didn't think it through and I'm so sorry for that."

"It's okay, Mer. You came into my life and adapted in an amazing way. The only thing that made me mad was that you ran away instead of talking to me."

"I know," she mumbles, "that was stupid."

"It was."

"That won't happen again," she laughs.

"Good," he chuckles and kisses her lightly. Then says somberly, "I would give anything to be able to actually see you. I know you're beautiful and it's a pointless wish but I really would love to just look at you."

"Derek..."

"I can't," his voice cracks and he has to clear his throat before continuing, "I just can't go through life not seeing our children. It's hard enough not seeing you."

Meredith can't answer him because she is crying. All she can do is hold Derek tightly to her. They stay there - holding one another in the deck chair - for a long while. They're both sad but at the same time so thankful that they have one another. They're both mourning the loss of the children they'll never have but rejoicing in the fact that they found each other.