Midnight Blues // Jake Kiszka

fourteen

tw: self-harm, death/suicide mentions

A/N: This is probably the most intense chapter I've written for any of my stories so I stress that if you are not 18+ or are easily triggered please do not read ahead! I love you all and am so grateful for your readership :) x 

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**FREYA'S POV**

It had been months since I last saw Jake and I had forgotten about him--almost. It was the little things that made me miss him. Dumb stuff. I heard a man humming while reading the morning at the diner that I worked at now and remember waking up to Jake playing some riff humming along with lyrics that he came up with overnight. Someone orders black coffee, Jake drinks black coffee. Memories of him tumbled around in my mind constantly, making it difficult to move on from whatever the hell that was. A slip up? A charity case? I'd never really know because nobody really knew what happened inside Jake's head. I was consumed by my thoughts until a chuckle pulled me out of it. 

"That is rich." The voice laughed. 

It could've only belonged to one vile human being--Jita. My face instantly contorted into a scowl, not entirely ready to deal with this bitch so early in my shift. 

"What do you want, Jita?" I asked, blandly.

"Oh right, you have to ask me that don't you?" She laughed, again. 

I continued to make known that her presence wasn't welcome here, but I knew there was no stopping her once she started. She had been making my life hell since the day we met, and it seemed like her only goal was to make everyone else unhappy.  

"Is there a problem?" My friend Rae asks, coming out from the kitchen

"Nope." I state, plainly. 

"Actually there is," Jita says " Your friend here doesn't know the first thing about customer service. I'd like to speak to a manager." 

"Well can I ask what she did, ma'am?" Rae responded

"I don't need to answer to you. I said I'd like to speak to a manager." 

"Honey, I am the manager and the only problem I see right now is you, so why don't you bide your time elsewhere, huh?" 

Jita scoffed and left, but not without shooting a glare in my direction. 

"Thanks, Rae. I owe you one." I sigh, dusting off my apron nervously. 

"Not a problem, but I suggest you stay away from her." She laughed. 

"Oh, trust me. I'm trying." 

The rest of my shift dragged on in a somber haze. By the time it was done, my mind and body were exhausted. I wasn't sure what I could do to escape Jake. I had moved to a whole different area, laid low for long enough, yet he just kept popping into my life somehow. Everything felt off and my mind had been tangled up in a million different bad thoughts. I was just so fucking tired. I threw my keys on the counter of my apartment's kitchen and opened the blinds. I hadn't been able to afford the grandest apartment but I still had made some money from being Josh's (terrible) fake girlfriend, and I hadn't let it go to waste. The city lights glittered in the distance and it was enough to make me feel okay in that moment. I put my safety net vinyl on the player--Blue by Joni Mitchell. A Case of You started echoing to the far corners of the apartment and I laid down on the living room and allowed myself to melt into the lyrics completely. 

I remember that time you told me
You said, "Love is touching souls."
Surely you touched mine.
'Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time.

Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet.
Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling
And still I'd be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

The tears rolled down my cheeks effortlessly, glazing the floor in a dewy puddle. My heart started to clench, my breath escaping my mouth in short huffs. The city lights, that were beautiful not too long ago, had now seemed to mock me. The light inside me had dimmed so low, it was barely bobbing above the surface like a buoy. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. The sobs had become inaudible and I choked on my sadness as it gripped every part of my body, threatening to consume me completely. That night was restless like no other. The sweat beaded my body, forcing me awake hour after hour. I had finally drifted into a dream filled sleep and I felt my body ease as my mind presented a flower filled field. Sunshine cascaded over the tall grasses elegantly, and a little girl danced around in the center of the field. 

"Oh! You're here, Mommy!" she said. 

I walked up to the girl and she grabbed my hand. She stayed in place, staring out over the field and saying nothing. 

"Mommy, can we go visit Daddy?" 

"Where is he?" I asked

"Near here, let's go." She said, tugging my arm. 

We walked to the other side of the field and the atmosphere changed. The sun disappeared behind the clouds and everything just seemed more ominous. My heart got heavy again, pounding and not knowing what to expect. She knocked at the door. An old woman opened the door. I recognized her. It was Jita. 

"Can I see Daddy?" the girl asked Jita. 

"Fine, but not too long. I want you out." 

Jita didn't even look at me. 

I followed the girl down a hallway and into a small room. The room was dingy and smelled faintly of mold. The floorboards were creaky and were coming up. Cobwebs peppered the corners of the ceiling. There was someone in a wheelchair facing a window. The girl crept slowly up to them. 

"Daddy, I brought you a flower from the field." She whispered. 

He didn't even flinch, and she placed it on his lap. It seemed like he didn't even register her presence. I looked at the figure in the chair. It was Jake. His eyes had been drained of life, his hair stripped of color. Harsh lines had taken over his once silky skin. Worry and age had began to make his acquaintance. 

"What happened to him?" I asked, barely able to comprehend what I was seeing. 

"See Mommy, Daddy was so hurt when you died, he stopped caring about anything else. He won't even look at me because he said I look just like you." 

I was dead? 

"H-how did I die?" 

"I can't tell you, Mommy. You'll see for yourself soon enough." 

I woke up suddenly, my breath caught in my chest. I peeled the sweat-clad covers off of me and ran to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. I wiped my face off and looked in the mirror, really looked. The bags under my eyes were as dark as a storm cloud. The tears had created patchy pink blooms all over my cheeks, and that was just my face. I shifted uncomfortably as the full length mirror allowed me to see all of my flaws. I was stout. I shifted myself from side to side to see if I could make the pockets of skin that hung over my pants disappear. I pinched, I tucked, I squeezed. They wouldn't leave. If only I could just cut them off or wave a wand and have them disappear. All my problems would be solved. How could Jake be in love with someone like me? How could I ever think that I had a place in his life? 

I opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the bare razor. I swept the blade across my stomach, applying slight pressure. The rose liquid pooled to the surface, lining the area I had just covered. The sting woke me up and I tied my shirt up to ensure I didn't stain it. I sat on the bathroom floor, slumped, so I didn't feel the stinging on my stomach. I swept the blade down my arms, embracing the familiar feeling. Why would he want anyone like me? I was just hired to do a job I couldn't even do. Why did I think I was in love with him? I hadn't even known him for long. All I did was mess him up. Did I love anyone who gave me attention? Anyone who acted like they cared for me? My eyelids fluttered and I allowed myself to drift into unconsciousness.