Midnight Blues // Jake Kiszka

seventeen

a/n: happy valentine's day everyone, make sure you're spreading love today and everyday. there's always someone that needs it <3

//

One year without Jake. I was fine. Everything was fine. Had I stopped thinking about him? Mostly. Except for the fact that it was Valentine's Day. Despite the skepticism, I loved Valentine's Day. The thought of someone marrying people in secret because he thought everyone deserved an equal chance at love was beautiful. I wish someone wanted to marry me in secret. It wasn't so much that I wanted to be married by now or anything, but more like I wish someone saw me that way; that they looked at me and thought 'wow, I'm gonna marry her one day.' I had always been the one before the one. Walking around seeing places adorned with Valentine's decorations, dotted with old and new love made my heart yearn for something like that. I had never felt this lonely on Valentine's Day before, and I had been single before. Jake had changed me. Now, without him, I felt this emptiness in my entire being. It was as if the fabric of the universe had been torn at the seams. 

I walked stiffly into a drugstore to pick up some candy for myself. At least if I wasn't happy, I could indulge. I was clad in sweats, with my hair drawn into a loose ponytail, but I knew nobody would care as they were too wrapped up in their sweethearts to care anyway. I sighed and perused the candy aisle. I grabbed the first heart shaped chocolates I could find along with some other snacks and made a beeline to the counter. 

"Freya?" 

You've got to be kidding me. 

I swiveled around to find Josh, arm in arm with some blonde girl, smiling at me. 

"Oh, hey Josh!" I said, as cheerfully as I could muster. 

"I haven't seen you in ages, how are you?" 

The girl who hung off his arm was growing impatient and sending glares my way. I knew she would be my ticket out of this situation. 

"I'm fine, yeah, how are you?"

"I'm fantastic, got my sweetheart Raina here with me, so I couldn't be better! Darling, this is Jake's ex-girlfriend, Freya." 

I flinched slightly. I didn't like being known as Jake's ex. 

I waved 'hello' at her, "well you two lovebirds should be off celebrating, I won't keep you." 

"Okay, well I hope you have a great Valentine's Day!" 

and just like that he was off. I couldn't tell if I was more sad that he didn't try to prolong the conversation or the fact that he introduced me as Jake's ex girlfriend instead of his friend. I guess there was nothing that could have really been said for that. I was supposed to have been his girlfriend, but instead I screwed his brother and almost cost them their careers, so I guess that wasn't a super friendly thing to do. I paid for my junk food and left, uneasy. On my walk back to my apartment, I passed the coffee shop where I used to work. It was the one where Jita had come in to psych me out, where Jake had come to ask for me to talk to him, and right in a corner booth, sat Jita and Jake. My head was spinning. I knew I couldn't stand there and watch because they'd either see me or I'd lose it, or both. I had to remind myself that he had made up his mind a year ago and it was no longer my right to be upset because I didn't have any energy left to use on him. 

I sped home, feeling the tears stinging the corners of my eyes. I slammed the door behind me, sliding down the backside almost immediately. I turned on the radio to drown out the breakdown I knew was brewing inside of me. 

What I got to do to make you love me?
What I got to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
And I wake to find that you're not there?What I got to do to make you want me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over babe?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word by Elton John played loudly from the speakers. My sobs accompanied the tune, filling the room with a somber symphony. I was always the one to say I love you first. When would it be my turn to hear those words? When would someone be so deeply in love with me that they couldn't bear the thought of losing me? Was it going to be soon because I wasn't sure how long I could take. It was me all alone in this corner of the world. No friends who gave a damn about when I hurt, nobody to love me. I was all alone. I sat with this thought in my head, letting it settle. I wanted someone to tell me they loved me so badly, I wanted to feel their love. Love shouldn't have to be all pain, so why was I getting the short end of the stick every single time? 

I picked myself up off the floor and went to the closet, grabbing boxes. With nobody left in my corner, I was getting the hell out of here.