Midnight Blues // Jake Kiszka

twenty four

**FREYA'S POV, 2 YEARS AGO**

I wasn't sure where I was going after I told Josh I wanted to go our separate ways, but I knew that I couldn't keep relying on them for jobs or anything else. I couldn't find success in any place where Jake was. I needed to pave my own path, find my own talents. As he left Dana's, I felt a piece of me go with him. It was mid-day and I was already sad. I made my way to the kitchen and perched myself at the counter and poured a drink. A sigh escaped my lips and I knew that the task I had before me was going to be a lot harder than I anticipated it would be. 

"What's got you down?" Dana asks, my nephew in tow on her hip. 

I stare at her for a minute. Stray hairs frame her face, her eye bags are sunken but she looks content. I don't know how she does it all. My nephew has his thumb in his mouth and is staring at me blankly, a rosy blush adorning his cheeks. Jealousy grew in the pit of my stomach. 

"I don't know how you do it." I said. 

"Do what?" 

"Be a mom, still meet people, still live the life you want?"

"I am not living the life I want.," She sat down beside me "I am making the best of what I have. I didn't know that the father of my child was going to leave me. I didn't even know if I was going to keep my child. I had to make a lot of hard decisions, but that's how life is. You have to keep going, regardless. I did what was right for me and I told myself that I was worth the effort. That it was worth it to take a second shot at my life. I am finally comfortable, but it took a hell of a long time to get there."

I sighed, taking in what she said. I had to force myself--no tell myself that I was worth the effort. I didn't even know what that meant. How could I love myself just because she told me to? 

I spent the next few days looking for jobs. It was impossible to find a job in this small town, so I knew it was time for me to leave. That's when I saw it. A job at Kerrang! magazine. In the UK. It was an entry level job for a photographer. It was definitely a long shot, but my self-esteem was low enough, another no wouldn't do much damage. I hadn't practiced my photography in years. I wasn't even sure if I was as good as I thought I was. I applied for the job anyway, taking my camera with me wherever I went that week. I would snap photos of cafés, people on the street, birds. Anything to practice with. When I hadn't heard anything back in 3 weeks, I assumed it was a dead end. I was tired of working coffee shops and diners, waiting for the perfect job opportunity to just fall in my lap. I was tired of the late nights covered in bacon fat, warding off the sleaze bags who hit on me on their one stop on the way to their destinations. It was on the fourth week that I saw that subject line requesting to see some original photography that gave me a bit of hope. It took a year of interning to finally get hired, but at least I had stuck with it, and done it all on my own without hand outs.

That was two years ago and I've grown a lot since then, but this was my first real job and I couldn't let my past feelings for Jake screw it up. I couldn't let him take this from me. This was mine and mine alone. 

I watched them as they filed out of their car. My breath hitched in my chest seeing Jake after all this time. I had forgotten how beautiful he was. His expression was soft, tired. He adjusted his blazer collar which had shifted to the side from sitting in the car. I needed a minute. I turned around, pretending to set up my camera, when really I had been so nervous I got here over half an hour ago to set it up. Pretending would buy me some time though so I wouldn't fixate on every single detail of his face when he came this way. 

I then heard Josh's booming voice behind me "Hi, I'm Josh! This is Sam, Danny and--"

I swiveled around, startled. 

"Hi guys, long time no see." I said, mustering a smile. 

Jake stopped in his tracks, his eyes meeting mine. There was silence and awkwardness intertwining in the air. I was silently praying for Josh to break this silence, but I guess for the first time since I had known him, even he was dumbfounded. Which was fair. I guess the magazine hadn't mentioned that I was their photographer. In that moment, a new feeling, a sad one, washed over me. It was the feeling that comes when you go from feeling like you knew someone to going to pretty much strangers. There was nothing that I could say anymore to Jake that felt like it was civil. Part of me was about to break down into a puddle of tears as to why he didn't at least try to keep in contact over the last few years. I wanted to ask him if he thought of me even once. If he missed me. The other part of me wanted to intertwine my fingers in his hair and pull him so close that maybe our souls would mesh together. I wanted to be close enough to breathe in the smell of him again, just one more time---no. I had to keep it professional. I am a professional. I worked my ass off to get here. 

Finally, Sam broke the silence. 

"Freya, you're a photographer? That's fucking awesome." 

"Hell yeah" chimed Danny. 

I smiled in Sam's direction, thankful for some positive reinforcement, even if I just wanted it from his brother. The truth was that I missed them. All of them. It felt nice to be around familiar faces again. 

"Well, let's see what you're made of, Freya." Josh grinned, challenging me. 

"You're on, Kiszka." My slight smile grew into a toothy grin. 

Soon enough, we were in the flow for the shoot. They were in such boring clothes in comparison to their stage outfits, but it felt like I was photographing the Greta that came before fame. The band that wasn't quite sure of themselves or their talent yet. They were raw and glorious, the whole world at their feet. They had definitely grown up. I could almost feel the tears welling up in my eyes, threatening to take over my ability to speak. My eyes drifted over to Jake. He was laughing at something Josh had said and he just looked so carefree, riding the wind. He hadn't said a word to me the entire shoot, and I tried not to let it get to me. How could I not though? I was supposed to capture them in this ethereal light, that's exactly what they were exuding, except I wasn't a part of it this time. I was just the photo credit at the bottom of the page. I let a sigh escape my lips and I hoped that none of them had noticed. Loneliness had taken up a vacancy in my body where he once was, and I had never felt as lonely as I had than in this moment with him standing right in front of me, pretending that I was a ghost.