A Drop in the Ocean

Chapter 6

"Hi, Jordan," Dr. Williams said to me as I sat down on the couch across from her chair.  "I haven't seen you in a while."  I crossed my legs and leaned back.

"Yeah, well, I haven't needed to come in for a while," I replied monotonically.  She gave me a sympathetic smile.  

"So, what's up?" she questioned.  I sarcastically laughed and shook my head.

"Nothing.  Nothing is up," I replied with a meaningless chuckle.  Sometimes I'd just avoid the question even though I trusted Dr. Williams with my life.

"Well, you've got to have some new things happening in your life, right?" she continued.  I looked her in the eyes and felt a small smile tug at my lips.

"Yeah, I joined another band," I said.  I really did enjoy those boys.  

"Really?" she said, surprised.  "What's it called?"

"5 Seconds of Summer," I replied in the same manner.

"5 Seconds of Summer?" she continued with surprise.  I nodded.  She laughed like a little girl.  "My daughter loves them!"

"Really?" I said.  "That's awesome!"

"Yeah, maybe you can meet her sometime," she suggested with a smile.  She loved her daughter, and I felt a pang in my chest knowing that I didn't have that anymore.  A mother to talk about me at work.

"Maybe," I replied while faking a small smile.  My face dropped from exhaustion.  I forgot what it's like when you can't make facial expressions because those require emotions.

"So, what's really going on?  You didn't just come in here to catch up and say hi," she finally said in a serious tone.  She was right.  

"Nora told me I needed to see you," I told her.  She nodded.  

"Why?" she inquired.  I almost didn't want to say it.

"I'm having that nightmare again," I finally said with the most emotionless voice.  

"The nightmare?" she questioned. I nodded.  She sighed.  "It's been a year and a half."  

"Yes.  I am aware," I replied knowingly.  Trust me.  I knew.

"You are still having episodes.  Bad ones, I might add," she told me.  I nodded.  I knew that as well.  "If anything, they are getting worse."

"It's always the same thing," I mumbled.  She nodded in sympathy.

"Listen, is there something that may have triggered this nightmare?  Perhaps joining a band again?" she inquired.  I widened my eyes in shock.

"What?  What do you mean?" I asked in confusion.

"First of all, you are starting a new life.  Restarting if I may.  By joining this new band, you are leaving the life you had in New York.  You have new friends, a new home, a new band.  When was the last time you talked to your friends from Saranac Lake?" she asked.  I looked down at my Converse without answering.  "You haven't talked to any of them since you left, have you?" she asked again.  I shook my head.

"No," I whispered.  She nodded.

"Also, I've seen pictures of those boys.  5 Seconds of Summer, I mean.  That drummer boy looks a lot like Peter," she told me.  I couldn't help but feel my chest tighten with agreement.  "Curly blonde hair.  Prominent cheekbones.  Plays the drums.  Big smile.  An accent."  With that, I heard Peter's voice in my head.  He was born in South Africa, so he had a slight accent.  The way he sang totally off-key.  I felt the tears well up behind my eyes.  "You also feel as though you are leaving your mother behind."  I knew that was true.  She looked at me and sighed again.

"I know.  I'm fucked up, aren't I?" I said.  She shook her head.

"No, you're just broken.  People break sometimes," she told me.  "Okay, I know you don't want to hear this, but Zoloft apparently isn't working for you."  I groaned.  This can't be happening again.  "I know.  It sucks.  But it seems you've got PTSD, and Zoloft isn't going to help with that."  I pursed my lips and looked at her through narrowed eyes.

"I think you are intentionally trying to ruin my life," I told her with a small smile pulling at my lips.  She chuckled, but I could tell she was sympathetic.  

"I'm not.  I'm just trying to help you.  Anyways," she started with a dramatic swing of her pen," I'm going to start you on Paxil which will help you with your PTSD.  You're going to have to come in for regular check-ups while you make your transition.  Since this is the second time, it might be a bit easier."

"Are you aware that this is my second antidepressant since he died?" I told her.  She nodded.

"Yes.  I know."  She gave me another sympathetic look.  "For the record, you are my favorite patient."  I chuckled.

"I wonder why that is!" I exclaimed.  "Maybe it's because my life is the perfect amount of boring."  She laughed.  She tore a piece of paper from her notepad and handed it to me.  My prescription.  I took it from her hand and stood up.  She led me out to the waiting room.

"Okay, Nora," Dr. Williams said as we came out.  Nora put her magazine down and stood up.  "I'm going to have her switch prescriptions which means she'll need to come in for check ups for a little bit."

"Okay.  Sounds good," she replied.  "Thank you so much!"   She looked down at me.  "Anything else?"  I shook my head. 

"Nope." I replied, tying my sweatshirt around my waist.  

"Alright, then.  Let's go!"  She began to walk out the door with me following.  Dr. Williams stopped me before I walked out the door.

"All the memories will come back, but he never will.  Just remember that," she told me matter-of-factly.  I nodded.  

I tell myself that everyday.