A Drop in the Ocean

Chapter 41

Los Angeles, California.  The city of angels.  A beautiful city, actually.  It kind of reminded me of Sydney, but with mountains.  Los Angeles is the Sydney of the United States in the same way New York City is its London.  It was the end of our last concert for the North American leg of the tour.  One Direction was going to finish up their movie, and we were going to stay in LA for a few weeks, then go back home to see families before the Australian leg of the tour started up at the end of September.  The boys and I were chilling backstage, waiting for One Direction's show to be over so we could tell them goodbye.  They were heading back to London immediately.  Adeline and Liz were off somewhere, again.  But Luke was still making glances at me, and I was looking at him.  And the boys were noticing.  

"Alright, you two," Ashton said.  We all looked over at him.  "You two need to talk.  Desperately.  So we'll leave you to it," he said, gesturing for Mikey and Cal to follow him.  They all stood and made their way out of the dressing room.  We both watched them leave, but the room was still filled with silence once they left.  I looked at Luke, and he looked back at me.  I gave him a pursed lips and wide eyes.  And he gave me the same.

"So..." he began.  I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Okay, let's cut the shit," I told him.  He narrowed his eyes at me. 

"What do you mean?" he asked.  I rolled my eyes again.

"You know that I remember everything.  So let's cut the shit, alright?  We already know what's going on, so why can't we talk about it?" I asked, crossing my arms and swinging my legs around to rest on the arm rest of the chair I was sitting in.  He shrugged.

"What do we need to talk about?  You made everything very clear at your uncle's bar," he said.  I narrowed my eyes at him.

"I knew you were in there.  You are a terrible liar," I told him.  He gave me a small shrug.

"It's one of my many services I offer," he said, taking my quote from me.  

"Are we going to fight?  Because I am a fucking pro, so you'd better lace up your boots, Mr. Hemmings, and get ready," I replied.  I could see the irritation and anger building in him.  

"Why didn't you tell me?  Why didn't you tell me that you remembered?" he asked, his voice going up in volume.  

"Because.  I didn't know if I was ready for a relationship.  But once I said it, I knew that I shouldn't have.  But I was going to tell you, and then you decided to come over with Adeline," I told him, my voice matching his.

"Oh yeah, and about her.  Why are you always such a bitch to her?  Seriously!  It's uncalled for!" he said.  I rolled my eyes again.  

"I never intended to fall in love with you, Luke," I replied.

"Oh, so you love me?  Is that it now?  You finally love me?" he cried.  I stood.

"I finally love you?  I've loved you this whole time!  Everything I said that night was true!  I wasn't just making that shit up because I was drunk!  I really do love you!  And I thought you did too!" I shouted.  He stood too. 

"I thought that you would get over me!  I'm not worth this, Jordan!  I thought you were strong!" he yelled.  I clenched my jaw.

"I hate being called strong.  I'm not 'strong', okay?  If I was so strong, I never would've burned myself.  If I was so strong, I would've never contemplated suicide.  I would never have started this stupid self-destructive cycle.  So, no, I'm not strong.  I'm far from it, actually.  Try using different words.  Maybe they'll actually mean something," I told him.  He gave me a pitiful look, and I rolled my eyes.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.  I groaned.

"Oh, don't give me your fucking pity.  I can tell you that I'm not happier because of you, that's for sure!" I cried.  

"But can't you see how amazing you are, Jordan!" he yelled.  "I've fallen so hard for you!  I've fallen for your laugh which is so utterly contagious.  I've fallen for your smile which makes me giddy for no reason at all.  I've fallen for the late night talks we used to have, when 1:00 AM arrives too quickly.  I've fallen for our jokes, which I'll remember days later and burst into laughter.  I've fallen for how you can make my day better,even if I wanted to cry the minute before.  I've fallen for every second I get to spend with you, even if those seconds will always leave me wanting more," he told me.  I noticed that he had moved closer to me, practically a few inches.  I wasn't looking at him.  I had picked a spot on the floor that was suddenly very intriguing. 

"Are you sure that isn't me falling in love with you?" I asked, and he laughed.  He placed his hands on my shoulders.

"That would be great if it was too," he said.  I knew he was looking for my eyes.

"You scare me," I said.  

"Why?" he asked.  I looked up at him to see his brow furrowed.  

"Because I tell you things that I can't even tell myself," I whispered.  Tears were welling up in my eyes.  His eyes got sad, and he pursed his lips.  He suddenly began to lean in.  No.  Not again.  This couldn't happen again.  I wiggled from his grasp, and his eyes became confused.  I backed away from him.

"What's wrong, Jordan?" he asked.  I shook my head viciously.

"I can't do this," I told him.  

"What do you mean?" he asked, body beginning to slack.  

"This!" I shouted, gesturing to everything around me.  "I'm done!  I'm going home!  I'm done with this band!  I can't be here anymore!  I can't be around you!" I cried, and I bolted to the door, swinging it open to find the boys.  Their eyes were wide and faces sad.  I felt a tear rush down my face, but I pushed past them.  I ran out the back of the building and went to the bus.  Luckily, I had packed my bag before we did the show because we were just going to go straight to the hotel after the show was over.  I grabbed my suitcase and my pillow after throwing my bag over my shoulder.  I turned quickly and came face to face with Adeline.  

"Oh, sorry," she said, putting her hands up defensively.  I nodded.  She gave me a look.  "Are you okay, Jordan?" she asked.  I nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine.  Just a rough week," I told her.  She nodded.  "Hey, about those things I said to you in Montreal, I really didn't mean them.  I'm just angry sometimes and I take it out on everyone around me.  And it happened to all go onto you.  Sorry," I admitted.  She gave me a tight-lipped smile.  

"Yeah.  I know.  I knew that you didn't mean those things.  But they still hurt, you know?" she replied.  I nodded. 

"Yeah.  I get it.  Hey, I have to be going, so I'll see you around okay?" I said, starting to move towards the door.  Her brow furrowed.

"Where are you going?" she asked me.  I turned back before I went down the steps.

"Home," I replied, then I went out onto the pavement.  I was surprised to not see my boys waiting patiently to tell me to come back.  Not that I would, so I was actually relieved.  But then I thought, do they not want me?  Is this a relief to all of them?  I shrugged and made my way out to the curb.  I hailed a taxi.

"Where can I take you, Miss?" the cabbie asked me.

"The airport please.  LAX if you don't mind," I told him.  He nodded and drove off.

******

I paid the cabbie when we got to the airport and thanked him, heading inside.  I headed to one of the American airline company desks, Alaska Airlines, I believe.  

"Hi, how may I help you?" the woman at the desk asked.

"Hi, when is the next flight to Denver?"