A Drop in the Ocean

Chapter 26

I woke from one of the most peaceful slumbers I've had in years.  However, waking was anything but peaceful.  Sunlight was streaming through the windows, practically blinding me.  My head instantly began throbbing.  I sat up slowly in my bed, pushing my pillow back so the wall wasn't digging into my spine.  Rubbing my eyes from the hangover I obviously had, I finally opened them.  I was in my bed with pajamas on.  Panicking, I jumped out of bed, realizing how much of a mistake that was.  I felt my head pound, and I set my hand on the wall to balance myself.  Suddenly, all of the events of the night before came rushing back.  The confessions, the outburst, the kiss.  The kiss.  I slowly began to tiptoe downstairs, afraid of what may be awaiting at the bottom.  Before I can enter the living room, I hear the familiar sound of my guitar being strummed and an beautiful voice ringing through the room.

"Hey, oh this is another one,
Honey but it's not the same you say,
How could I ask you?
Oh, come on let me ask you.

"Say it just once,
Til there's nothing left to be said,
Give me all, give me all,
Who could ever ask of you?
And it's more than I can stand.

"So maybe tonight, see it for the first time
As it shows, yeah it shows.
Just give me tonight, see it for the first time,
And it shows, yeah it shows."

Luke was sitting in the living room on the armchair, strumming away at my guitar.  I knew that song:  "Tonight" by Cartel.  A song about confessing love.  A song perfect for this situation.  I sat down on the steps, hidden from his view as I continued to eavesdrop on his singing.  He sang more songs:  some chords from "Try Hard", a little bit of All Time Low, some Ed Sheeran, and one that surprised me called "If You Told Me To" by Hunter Hayes.  I remembered playing it for the boys before since it is one of my favorite songs.  Before I had a chance to reveal myself, I heard the front door open and close, bringing me from my trance.  Who was here?  Nora and James weren't supposed to be here until next week!  I just about jumped down the last two steps before I heard Lindsey's scream.

"Luke!  What are you doing here?" she cried.  I heard a shuffling and the setting down of the guitar on the coffee table.  I assumed that he had stood up abruptly.

"Um...well..." he began.  I decided to make my entrance.  I also decided I could be an actress.  I stood up, stomping my feet slightly to make it seem as though I'm going down the steps before stepping out into the living room, rubbing my eyes and head.  

"Good morning, sunshine," I groaned, plopping down onto the couch.  I looked up at Lindsey to see her looking at me with an amused look.  

"You look awful," she chuckled, coming back around to sit next to me on the couch.  I set my head back and curled my knees to my chest.  

"I bet.  I feel awful," I replied.  "So, why are you here?" I questioned, looking back over at her expectantly.  She gave me a small smile.

"Someone's got to feed the hedgehogs," she told me.  I nodded.  That would make sense.  Nora and James couldn't feed them.  "Now, onto Luke," she announced, looking back at him.  He sighed and sat down in the armchair.

"Jordan, do you remember anything from yesterday?" he asked me.  Did I?  Of course.  But do I want to?  Am I ready?  Ready for the inevitable relationship Luke would want from what had happened yesterday?  Before I could get my heart to decide, my mind spoke the words I knew I didn't want.

"No.  Not really.  It's kind of all just blank," I replied.  I couldn't take those words back.  And I couldn't explain why I'd said them.  I would have to live with this decision.  He sighed, and his eyes became sad.  He set his elbows on his knees and leaned over towards us.

"Well, last night, I got a text from you that scared me a little bit.  You made it sound like you were going to hurt yourself.  So I came over here to find you on the patio with Jack Daniels and some cigarettes.  I sat down, you offered me a chance to drink away my sorrows.  Then you began to tell me things.  About your mom.  About Peter."  His voice dropped down an octave with Peter's name.  I immediately felt awful for unloading all of that shit onto him.  "And then you started freaking out.  You were screaming and throwing things.  I luckily was able to calm you down."  He paused.  I could practically see the gears turning in his head.  "And then I took you to your room, and you asked me if I would stay, so crashed on the couch," he finished.  He left out the kiss.  He obviously didn't think I felt the same.  I nodded and stood from the couch.  

Going into the kitchen, I found a good substitute for Fruity Pebbles.  I grabbed a Powerade from the fridge and an Excedrin from the cupboard.  

"What about your antidepressants?" Lindsey asked, coming into the kitchen with Luke.  

"I'm not taking them anymore," I told her.  She nodded.

"When did Dr. Williams start that?" she asked, sitting down in one of the barstools at the breakfast bar.  I shook my head.

"She didn't.   I just stopped taking them," I replied, pouring milk into the cereal.  Luke and Lindsey's eyes widened.

"What?" she exclaimed.  I looked up at her.  

"Why would you do that?" Luke asked me.  I rolled my eyes.  

"Have you ever been on antidepressants?  I hate antidepressants. They don’t make me feel happy at all; they make me feel numb. And when I feel numb, I get reckless.  I'm tired of them.  I'm tired of them making me happy.  Because I'm not happy.  I just feel happy.  I want to be able to actually be happy instead of having some chemical make me that way.  And it'll be hard.  I'll get headaches and nausea.  I'll feel like shit some days and exceptionally good the next.  But I'll push through because I know that every day, I am closer to being in control of my emotions.  I will be the one who decides if I'm happy, not a fucking pill.  And maybe I need a monitor.  Someone to watch over me to make sure I don't do something stupid.  And I am okay with that.  I'm just tired of living a life that is only half mine," I told them.  They nodded, understanding.  Lindsey got up from the bar stool and came to where I stood, engulfing me in a hug.  I wrapped my arms around her torso in return.

"I'm glad for you.  I think it is worth it," she said, and I nodded, doing my best to keep the tears behind my eyes.

"And we will definitely be here to support you," Luke added.  I nodded, removing myself from Lindsey's arms, glad that I had people who were willing to help me through recovery, even if I still let my monstrous mind make decisions for me.  But this time, the decision came from my heart, and I am glad.