A Drop in the Ocean

Chapter 45

There were a lot of screaming girls.  Living in a country with only 300,000 people in it, you forget what mobs feel like.  You forget the sound of screaming fans.  You forget the headaches.  I popped four ibuprofen into my mouth and swallowed them, praying that they would work quickly.  Aimie and I stood in line waiting to get into the venue to watch the boys play.  This was the second show.  The last show.  I was pretty cold, so I shoved my hands into my coat pockets after tugging my hat on a little tighter.  I bounced slightly on the tips of my toes.

"You okay?" Aimie asked me.  I gave her a bewildered look with a rapid nod.  "You're nervous.  I can tell," she replied.  I sighed and gave her a nod.  She put her hand on my shoulder and rubbed it a little bit.  "Don't worry.  I'll be right here.  You will be okay," she reassured.  I just gave her a small smile and looked back towards the door.  The line started moving, and my heart began to beat rapidly.  I could feel myself sweating, but I was so cold.  My hands were shaking, and not from the chill of the air around me.  We finally got to the door, and I couldn't speak.  Aimie handed him our tickets, and we went inside.  

The venue wasn't large by any means, but it was still pretty good sized.  We were one of the first people in, and it was general admission, so Aimie wanted to get closer to the front.  We were almost right next to the stage, and this caused me some anxiety.  What if one of them saw me?  Would they even recognize me?  Would they want to talk to me after the show?  Thousands of thoughts were rolling through my mind, and I didn't notice Aimie trying to talk to me.

"Is this an okay spot, J?" she asked me.  I nodded quickly.  She gave me a sympathetic grin.  "I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable," she apologized.

"No, it's fine.  I really need to be here.  No matter how much I don't want to be," I told her, trying to make her feel less guilty.  She nodded.

"You'll be fine, I promise," she said, and I gave her a small smile, trying to reassure her.  She took it, and I let my muscles relax.  This shouldn't be too bad.  About twenty minutes later, the venue was filled, and the lights dimmed down.  I hear cheers from the crowd, and the only person who comes onstage is Luke.  He's changed.  He quiffs his hair up now.  Even in the dim lights, his face seems haggard.  Worry lines cover parts of his face that shouldn't get wrinkles until he's at least thirty.  Was that my fault?  Did I look the same?  Before I can think anything else, he speaks into the mic.

"Hi everyone!" he says.  The crowd roars and a smile begins to creep up to his face.  "How are you all tonight?" The crowd grows louder, if that's possible.  "That's awesome!  So, this first song is for you guys.  Because I'm by myself, so I'm gonna need a little help up here."  The crowd gave a small cheer.  "It's called 'Wherever You Are'," he said.  The crowd went crazy.  He began to play the intro to the song, and the crowd did not let him down.  Everyone was singing.

"For a while we pretended
That we never had to end it
But we knew we'd have to say goodbye
You were crying at the airport
When they finally closed the plane door
I could barely hold it all inside

"Torn in two
And I know I shouldn't tell you
But I just can't stop thinking of you
Wherever you are
You
Wherever you are
Every night I almost call you
Just to say it always will be you
Wherever you are."

The lyrics hit me at home.  I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  And just then, he looked down.  Our eyes met.  I could see the shock set into his face.  I couldn't take it.  I had to leave.  This was overwhelming.  I turned away from him and towards the back of the room.  I pushed my way through the crowd, hiding my face in case anyone recognized me.  I felt a tear roll down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it with my sleeve.  I finally made it to the lobby, and I took a deep breath.  Fresh air was wonderful.  I soon saw Aimie making her way into the lobby.

"What was that?" she cried.  She seemed a little angry until she looked at my face.  I could hear the words he was singing in the theater, and they made me think.  All of the times I almost called.  The times I wanted to hear his voice.  The times I needed him to tell me he loved me.  It all came back in one huge swoop.  A swoop that took me out at the knees.  Aimie instantly pulled me into a huge hug.  I held her tight in my arms, not wanting to let go and feel everything inside of me.  She pulled away and held my face in her hands.  "Do you want to leave?" she asked.  I shook my head.  I needed to see my boys.  I needed to see all of them.  

"I'll just stand in the doorway," I told her.  She nodded.  And that's what I did.  For the entirety of the show, I stood and watched my boys play from the doorway.  And they were so happy.  They were on their way to making it.  It was wonderful to watch.

******

The show was finished.  That was it.  That was all I would see.  Luke would be the only one to know that I was here, but he wouldn't speak to me.  And I didn't know if I was okay with that yet.  I wanted to talk to them all.  To hug them.  To tell them how sorry I am.  To tell them how much I missed them.  To finally say everything that had been on my mind for these past few months.  But I wouldn't get this chance.  

Aimie and I waited for everyone to leave before we began to head out.  I don't know why, but Aimie was persistent.  She did not want to leave until after everyone else was gone.  While we were waiting, a largely built man walked up to us.

"Do you mind coming with me, ladies?" he asked.  I looked over at Aimie, a little confused.  She just shrugged, and we followed him.  He led us through a maze of corridors towards the back of the stage.  By the time I figured out what was happening, it was too late.  I suddenly came face to face with my boys.  Michael sitting on the arm of a couch, wide eyes.  Calum sitting on the couch with his hands folded.  Ashton leaning against the counter for makeup.  And Luke sitting in an armchair, hunched over with his head in his hands.  My boys.  Worried.  Shocked.  And distraught.  Just like me.